30. November 2009 by David Julen, Pastor, First Baptist Cramerton (copied from Biblical Recorder online edition--you are encouraged to see their coverage of pastor suicide and Snyder Memorial family tragedy {Fayetteville businessman kills self, 2 children, and wife}).
When I learned in September of the death of a North Carolina pastor by his own hand I was reminded of how often I have dealt with Christians who believed only the weak willed and less devout dealt with depression and emotional breakdown.
It brought to mind an article in American Heritage magazine several years ago by John Appel.
Appel was a highly respected psychiatrist at Yale and received the Legion of Merit for his work in military psychiatry during World War II.
In the article he related how he and a team of psychiatrists were given the task of developing a method to determine which soldiers would ultimately break down because of combat stress and weed them out before they broke.
Prevailing Army wisdom was that the soldiers who broke down in combat were neurotics and weaklings. Yet Appel’s research showed that every man has a breaking point.
Every man who is exposed to enough extreme stress for a long enough period of time will become a psychiatric casualty.
Appel said this is now accepted in the military but is still hardly common knowledge, and it has tremendous implications for understanding social structure and human nature.
Appel noted that one of the places where this breaking point began to be clearly shown was in the Mediterranean theater of operations — North Africa and Italy.
In some places infantry rifle battalions had casualty rates of 1,200 to 1,500 per thousand per year.
Following such intense action, division psychiatrists reported a sharp rise in what they began to call the “old sergeants syndrome.”
Veterans with multiple stripes on their arms and medals on their chest were coming in as psychiatric cases at a far greater rate than new men.
This tracked with data from other theaters that pointed toward the fact that those who had broken down were not weaker but had been in the crucible of combat the longest.
The end result of their research was that by 214 aggregate days of combat duty (as I understand this, not tours of duty but days in combat), all men had broken down psychologically — that is, if they had not been wounded, killed, or lost to physical sickness.
Based on his data Appel asked Gen. George Marshal to recommend a limit of 180 aggregate days of combat duty.
The number who had survived that long was so small Appel noted that the loss of manpower involved would be acceptably slight and the Army adopted his recommendation.
The fact that everyone has a breaking point may be accepted in the military but it is often unaccepted in our Christian culture. In the abnormal extreme stress of combat the breaking point is exhibited by men who can barely function.
They are jittery, overly cautious, often possessing the “thousand yard stare” — broken men who simply stare off in the distance almost unable to function. In normal activities of life the breaking point may be when one is unable to balance stress from earning a living, dealing with family, sickness, pain and grief, finances, and perhaps a genetic predisposition toward depression.
Appel’s realization that every man has a breaking point is not held in common belief.
We often still operate under the assumption that only the weak need emotional help.
Recently in the Biblical Recorder, Steve Scoggin, president of the counseling agency CareNet, said, “We create an environment that makes it hard to admit our humanity.”
Appel’s report to Gen. Marshall led to a decision to change the environment for infantrymen.
I believe that we as Christians need to begin to change the environment in which we function by recognizing everyone has a breaking point, including the most devout.
This should be an extension of our foundational doctrine that we still retain a sinful nature that is not removed when we accept Christ as our Savior. (1 John 1:8-10, Gal. 5:17, etc.) Adopting a limited amount of time in combat gave men hope for a way out. Hope is in the DNA of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The Psalms echo this theme of hope in God even when current circumstances are unchanged.
The New Testament speaks over and over of help and hope for the afflicted and hurting that are believers (Romans 8:18, 12:12). As ministers we often are called to be present in difficult circumstances where there are no easy answers. Our inadequacies can feed our hopelessness.
I often recall the words of my teacher Wayne Oates who cited 2 Cor. 2:15-16 — “We are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing … Who is sufficient for these things?”
We are often called to simply be the reminder there is a greater power at work. We are reminders of the presence of God. We are not God.
We all have our breaking point because we are all broken and in need of God’s help.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Modern Pressures and Religion
Why is society so prone in recent years toward ultra-conservative politics and religion? Why is the SBC taken over by power hungry control freaks who insist on biblical inerrancy as a creed and conformity as a practice?
A newly graduated pastor, recently called to a typical conservative SBC church in this area, is raising eyebrows each Sunday with what flows from the pulpit. Two quick examples: the second sermon dealt with corruption among us. His primary text was the Belk lingerie insert in that Sunday’s paper which was described as “pornography.” Another sermon for communion used numerous passages to tell people how sinful they were and that none should take the elements unless they had become perfect enough under his standards. A friend of mine was there and said, “I don’t think anyone but him was good enough to qualify that day!”
Let’s be honest. We have always had this element in Christianity and Southern Baptists, but why is it they seem to rule the day?
I have been watching this “stuff” in every corner of life since 1979. Red flags keep saying, “Something is wrong.” Recently I revisited some basic things I learned about human personality. The term “Reaction-Formation” keeps coming to mind. See if it makes sense to you.
Whenever forces attack our personality, it fights back with “defense mechanisms” that protect from insanity. One of these defenses is termed Reaction Formation—it replaces in the conscious mind our subconscious urges with a showy opposite.
A passage from an Abnormal Psychology text says:
Some people reduce their anxieties and feelings of personal conflict through the method of strengthening repression by denying the conflict. The so-called “old maid’s neurosis” (the fear of finding a man under the bed) is a thin disguise of a repressed wish. Similarly, childhood prudery is a reaction formation against growing sexual interest. The reformer and the vice crusader are also examples of reaction formation. They are reacting in many cases against their own erotic interests and inclinations. (The Disorganized Personality, George W. Kisker, PhD., 1964, McGraw-Hill, NY, pp. 150-151.)
I like the old saying, “Only God is perfect—and, quite frankly, I am uncomfortable with people who think they are gods.” In one of my early churches we hired a summer youth worker known for his enthusiasm and piety. During the first Bible Study he berated the girls for wearing halter tops. Some were emotionally to the point of tears. This fellow was engaged at the time and married in the fall. His new wife’s roommate happened to know for a fact she was pregnant when they married. The only explanation for this dedicated and righteous young man’s action is Reaction-Formation. He was not insane, but his life was terribly unhealthy and dishonest at that time.
Every day we are confronted with more psychological pressure. Why is it that “Baby Boomers” (born 1946-1966) with college degrees and supposed intelligence are so drawn to a “Reaction-Formation” unhealthy religious interpretation? Here I speak from personal knowledge as a 1946 Baby Boomer.
The difference between sanity and insanity is one of degree. All of us have crazy moments, but healthy people recover quickly. People who are emotionally immature or over-stressed often do not see it. Even worse, these sick people often seek out others who are equally sick so they do not feel like strangers. At one time you could feel confident an SBC Seminary graduate was mature enough to help sick or immature church members grow. You hoped the lay leadership in a healthy church would, by example and teaching, help others grow. This may no longer be the case. Whenever a society or church has more sick than healthy personalities, the whole group could make a sane person think he is crazy because he is not willing to agree with the crowd.
Try this theory on for size: World War II made everyone live in trauma, but “we” won. Those coming back quickly joined churches and started raising families (the golden 50’s of SBC growth). Many had found God in the foxholes. On the other hand, our churches always reflected society and the sick side was that when jobs were plentiful and money good, we joined the church, raised families, but soon forgot the spiritual God who saved us from death and began to worship the God of American material success. Ignoring racism and prejudice, every white Southern Baptist church built bigger buildings and was “SUCCESSFUL.” Children were supposed to join too because “it was the right thing to do.” Many joined at age 6-10, but never grew beyond that first commitment.
Soon the sweet post-war babies became teenagers and the popular thing was to rebel. By-and-large my contemporaries preferred to read Playboy over the Bible, substitute booze for communion grape juice, and burn flags or smoke pot during Viet Nam. Only the “dumb few” went to church each Sunday or discussed things religious. My contemporaries at Emory University were more concerned with becoming rich Doctors, Lawyers, etc. than anything else. I assume most were church members, but few showed any evidence of a personal commitment with any understanding of the cost of discipleship.
Now those “Baby Boomers” are 40-60 and suddenly everyone is “getting religion.” What kind is it we want—notice I said “want” and not “need.” How much of religion in mega-churches is entertainment rather than servanthood? How much of it is personal and unique to the individual or regimented and dictated by the new “king-pastors’ and TV preachers? How much of it is healthy and normal or so showy that many ask, “Is this real?” Yet we glorify it as “successful church growth.” Reaction-formation more often comes to my mind.
I propose that what we are calling a revival of the masses is, instead, a showy opposite of the drug-infested, flag-burning, anti-authoritarian 60’s. Herein lies the sickness: it is a public show trying to offset the emptiness of early adulthood. If it was real and filed with love and compassion, it could be great. If it is empty and faked, it is a showy opposite which only covers inner insecurity and lack of faith.
As I read the Gospels and the Psalms or Prophets, I see much good therapy and direction. The same personality problems existed, but with no fancy modern names. Conservative and pious religious persons hated Jesus. He preferred to walk with bare-footed and smelly working folk rather than dress nicely and smell incense at the Temple. He was a centered and sane reflection of worshipping God. It had nothing to do with the traditional, superficial, reaction-formation religion of his day—partly for this they killed him.
Jesus, to me, was that perfectly centered god-man rather than a perfect god pretending to be human.
Without his help and direction we are always pretending, some more and others less. The more we pretend to be something we are not, the sicker we become.
I wish that we could chart a new course for free Baptists that is not pretentious or sick, but honest, directed by faith, and full of mutual respect. I believe Jesus made a comment about the sick needing a physician. It would be good if the physician is sane and normal rather than breathing psychotic germs across those he pretends to help.
A newly graduated pastor, recently called to a typical conservative SBC church in this area, is raising eyebrows each Sunday with what flows from the pulpit. Two quick examples: the second sermon dealt with corruption among us. His primary text was the Belk lingerie insert in that Sunday’s paper which was described as “pornography.” Another sermon for communion used numerous passages to tell people how sinful they were and that none should take the elements unless they had become perfect enough under his standards. A friend of mine was there and said, “I don’t think anyone but him was good enough to qualify that day!”
Let’s be honest. We have always had this element in Christianity and Southern Baptists, but why is it they seem to rule the day?
I have been watching this “stuff” in every corner of life since 1979. Red flags keep saying, “Something is wrong.” Recently I revisited some basic things I learned about human personality. The term “Reaction-Formation” keeps coming to mind. See if it makes sense to you.
Whenever forces attack our personality, it fights back with “defense mechanisms” that protect from insanity. One of these defenses is termed Reaction Formation—it replaces in the conscious mind our subconscious urges with a showy opposite.
A passage from an Abnormal Psychology text says:
Some people reduce their anxieties and feelings of personal conflict through the method of strengthening repression by denying the conflict. The so-called “old maid’s neurosis” (the fear of finding a man under the bed) is a thin disguise of a repressed wish. Similarly, childhood prudery is a reaction formation against growing sexual interest. The reformer and the vice crusader are also examples of reaction formation. They are reacting in many cases against their own erotic interests and inclinations. (The Disorganized Personality, George W. Kisker, PhD., 1964, McGraw-Hill, NY, pp. 150-151.)
I like the old saying, “Only God is perfect—and, quite frankly, I am uncomfortable with people who think they are gods.” In one of my early churches we hired a summer youth worker known for his enthusiasm and piety. During the first Bible Study he berated the girls for wearing halter tops. Some were emotionally to the point of tears. This fellow was engaged at the time and married in the fall. His new wife’s roommate happened to know for a fact she was pregnant when they married. The only explanation for this dedicated and righteous young man’s action is Reaction-Formation. He was not insane, but his life was terribly unhealthy and dishonest at that time.
Every day we are confronted with more psychological pressure. Why is it that “Baby Boomers” (born 1946-1966) with college degrees and supposed intelligence are so drawn to a “Reaction-Formation” unhealthy religious interpretation? Here I speak from personal knowledge as a 1946 Baby Boomer.
The difference between sanity and insanity is one of degree. All of us have crazy moments, but healthy people recover quickly. People who are emotionally immature or over-stressed often do not see it. Even worse, these sick people often seek out others who are equally sick so they do not feel like strangers. At one time you could feel confident an SBC Seminary graduate was mature enough to help sick or immature church members grow. You hoped the lay leadership in a healthy church would, by example and teaching, help others grow. This may no longer be the case. Whenever a society or church has more sick than healthy personalities, the whole group could make a sane person think he is crazy because he is not willing to agree with the crowd.
Try this theory on for size: World War II made everyone live in trauma, but “we” won. Those coming back quickly joined churches and started raising families (the golden 50’s of SBC growth). Many had found God in the foxholes. On the other hand, our churches always reflected society and the sick side was that when jobs were plentiful and money good, we joined the church, raised families, but soon forgot the spiritual God who saved us from death and began to worship the God of American material success. Ignoring racism and prejudice, every white Southern Baptist church built bigger buildings and was “SUCCESSFUL.” Children were supposed to join too because “it was the right thing to do.” Many joined at age 6-10, but never grew beyond that first commitment.
Soon the sweet post-war babies became teenagers and the popular thing was to rebel. By-and-large my contemporaries preferred to read Playboy over the Bible, substitute booze for communion grape juice, and burn flags or smoke pot during Viet Nam. Only the “dumb few” went to church each Sunday or discussed things religious. My contemporaries at Emory University were more concerned with becoming rich Doctors, Lawyers, etc. than anything else. I assume most were church members, but few showed any evidence of a personal commitment with any understanding of the cost of discipleship.
Now those “Baby Boomers” are 40-60 and suddenly everyone is “getting religion.” What kind is it we want—notice I said “want” and not “need.” How much of religion in mega-churches is entertainment rather than servanthood? How much of it is personal and unique to the individual or regimented and dictated by the new “king-pastors’ and TV preachers? How much of it is healthy and normal or so showy that many ask, “Is this real?” Yet we glorify it as “successful church growth.” Reaction-formation more often comes to my mind.
I propose that what we are calling a revival of the masses is, instead, a showy opposite of the drug-infested, flag-burning, anti-authoritarian 60’s. Herein lies the sickness: it is a public show trying to offset the emptiness of early adulthood. If it was real and filed with love and compassion, it could be great. If it is empty and faked, it is a showy opposite which only covers inner insecurity and lack of faith.
As I read the Gospels and the Psalms or Prophets, I see much good therapy and direction. The same personality problems existed, but with no fancy modern names. Conservative and pious religious persons hated Jesus. He preferred to walk with bare-footed and smelly working folk rather than dress nicely and smell incense at the Temple. He was a centered and sane reflection of worshipping God. It had nothing to do with the traditional, superficial, reaction-formation religion of his day—partly for this they killed him.
Jesus, to me, was that perfectly centered god-man rather than a perfect god pretending to be human.
Without his help and direction we are always pretending, some more and others less. The more we pretend to be something we are not, the sicker we become.
I wish that we could chart a new course for free Baptists that is not pretentious or sick, but honest, directed by faith, and full of mutual respect. I believe Jesus made a comment about the sick needing a physician. It would be good if the physician is sane and normal rather than breathing psychotic germs across those he pretends to help.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Children and Grief
“Unless you change and become like children,
you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Jesus in Matt. 18
Her name was Alyssa. I met her as the new minister of Noonday Baptist Church near Woodstock, GA She had been the poster child for Atlanta in a recent MD telethon. She was precious. She loved the BeGees. She had met them through Make a Wish Foundation. It was one of the highlights of her life.
She was about 10 when I became her minister. I met them in the hospital as Alyssa suffered a chronic lung infection which is part of the last stages of the disease. She went home in a few days. That was where I saw her home and all her memorabilia of a short life filled with important moments. Many people had gone to bat for her and her working class parents. They could not afford much, but love prevailed in that home.
Fast forward 2 years as the disease had weakened her to the critical point. She was in the hospital this time for her last hours of life on this earth. When I arrived the Physician was attending himself. He had fallen in love with this little patient along with all of us who met her. Her smile was contagious and it never left for long even in the most hurting things modern medicine can do. Nothing conquered Alyssa or put her down for long.
The Doctor had his stethoscope to her heart and was listening quietly. The parents were standing at her bedside with dread all over their faces, but tempered by faith. There was nothing for me to say except to be there standing quietly. We waited on God.
Suddenly there was a strange woman pushing the door open uninvited. She burst into the room and began her “Christian Cheerleader” routine. She began to tell the parents how they must have faith--they had plenty. It showed quietly for the last 2 years to me. She then began to speak in a loud voice to Alyssa as she lay comatose. You could hear her at least 2 doors down. “Alyssa, if you hear me nod your head!” Alyssa’s almost lifeless body did a slight convulsive motion. This set the lady on fire and she began her sermonet about being saved and going to heaven. Alyssa, and none of us, needed a last minute deathbed confession. Our spiritual roofs had been thatched a long time ago.
For about 5 minutes this lady carried on as insensitive “do gooders” do--more interested in what they are doing than helping the one in trouble. Words, no matter how spiritual, mean nothing when a beloved child is dying. My first thought was, “This lady needs to get a foot in her behind to get her the devil out of here.” Somehow God gave me a crisis word. We had another lady in the hospital with hysteria-induced ranting about her minor illness. She just had asthma. However the central circle was filled with my church folks tending to her because she was one of the families called “the click.” No one was there for Alyssa but me, her physician, nurses, and her parents.
I can’t believe the words which came out, but I quietly asked her to help my other church members pray down the hall. She quickly left--thank God. I was about to do the “money changers at the Temple” approach on this wacky “do gooder.”
As the door closed, Alyssa’s parents whispered a quiet “thank you” through tear-filled eyes. Again, our eyes focused on Alyssa and her quietly attending Doctor. In about 5 minutes tears filled his eyes and trickled down his cheek. Quietly he said, “She’s gone.”
We all did as Jesus: we wept!! Not a word was said. No words could get past the ball of grief in our throats anyway. Finally, her parents asked if I could say a prayer. I have never choked one out with any more anxiety. All I could say was, “Thank you God for this child who has brought so much joy to all of us. Thank you for the faith she had. Give us some of it today. Thank you for her caring Doctor. Thank you for the nurses who have attended her. Give us all a peace that passes understanding in these hard hours of loss. In the strong name of Jesus we pray. Amen.”
With that we hugged one another until we each had to leave. One nurse after another quietly came by as the word passed in whispered sorrow. We all cared more than words could say. No one thereafter came with any “do gooder sermonets”. They are a wasted effort in such time. People need to be loved through grief.
God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason: listen more than you talk.
Some years ago John Drakeford wrote the insightful book, The Awesome Power of the Listening Ear. It tells of the importance of listening in times of hurt: losing a child, spouse, friend, house to foreclosure, etc. He was so right.
Dr. Richard Young taught for many years at Bowman Gray and Southeastern Seminary in my student days. He was a brilliant chaplain and mentor in the early days of clinical training with a psychological background to help with understanding. He told a story I shall never forget.
There was a male patient in Dr. Young’s student days who was the terror of the floor. He had a terminal illness and cared not how or when he focused that anger. Every Dr., nurse, or student chaplain was deathly afraid to enter his room. Dr. Young thought about it while he waited his turn to do the inevitable round with this man. He decided to try something different.
He went in the room and pulled a chair beside the door. He sat down and said NOTHING! After the required 30 minutes, he stood to leave. The patient spoke. He said, “Thanks for saying nothing and just being here. I needed that more than you can know. I am tired of the questions and “cheer up” bull from every one except you. Thanks for being here and DO come again! When I am ready to talk, I will. Until then, button it up, if you please.”
you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Jesus in Matt. 18
Her name was Alyssa. I met her as the new minister of Noonday Baptist Church near Woodstock, GA She had been the poster child for Atlanta in a recent MD telethon. She was precious. She loved the BeGees. She had met them through Make a Wish Foundation. It was one of the highlights of her life.
She was about 10 when I became her minister. I met them in the hospital as Alyssa suffered a chronic lung infection which is part of the last stages of the disease. She went home in a few days. That was where I saw her home and all her memorabilia of a short life filled with important moments. Many people had gone to bat for her and her working class parents. They could not afford much, but love prevailed in that home.
Fast forward 2 years as the disease had weakened her to the critical point. She was in the hospital this time for her last hours of life on this earth. When I arrived the Physician was attending himself. He had fallen in love with this little patient along with all of us who met her. Her smile was contagious and it never left for long even in the most hurting things modern medicine can do. Nothing conquered Alyssa or put her down for long.
The Doctor had his stethoscope to her heart and was listening quietly. The parents were standing at her bedside with dread all over their faces, but tempered by faith. There was nothing for me to say except to be there standing quietly. We waited on God.
Suddenly there was a strange woman pushing the door open uninvited. She burst into the room and began her “Christian Cheerleader” routine. She began to tell the parents how they must have faith--they had plenty. It showed quietly for the last 2 years to me. She then began to speak in a loud voice to Alyssa as she lay comatose. You could hear her at least 2 doors down. “Alyssa, if you hear me nod your head!” Alyssa’s almost lifeless body did a slight convulsive motion. This set the lady on fire and she began her sermonet about being saved and going to heaven. Alyssa, and none of us, needed a last minute deathbed confession. Our spiritual roofs had been thatched a long time ago.
For about 5 minutes this lady carried on as insensitive “do gooders” do--more interested in what they are doing than helping the one in trouble. Words, no matter how spiritual, mean nothing when a beloved child is dying. My first thought was, “This lady needs to get a foot in her behind to get her the devil out of here.” Somehow God gave me a crisis word. We had another lady in the hospital with hysteria-induced ranting about her minor illness. She just had asthma. However the central circle was filled with my church folks tending to her because she was one of the families called “the click.” No one was there for Alyssa but me, her physician, nurses, and her parents.
I can’t believe the words which came out, but I quietly asked her to help my other church members pray down the hall. She quickly left--thank God. I was about to do the “money changers at the Temple” approach on this wacky “do gooder.”
As the door closed, Alyssa’s parents whispered a quiet “thank you” through tear-filled eyes. Again, our eyes focused on Alyssa and her quietly attending Doctor. In about 5 minutes tears filled his eyes and trickled down his cheek. Quietly he said, “She’s gone.”
We all did as Jesus: we wept!! Not a word was said. No words could get past the ball of grief in our throats anyway. Finally, her parents asked if I could say a prayer. I have never choked one out with any more anxiety. All I could say was, “Thank you God for this child who has brought so much joy to all of us. Thank you for the faith she had. Give us some of it today. Thank you for her caring Doctor. Thank you for the nurses who have attended her. Give us all a peace that passes understanding in these hard hours of loss. In the strong name of Jesus we pray. Amen.”
With that we hugged one another until we each had to leave. One nurse after another quietly came by as the word passed in whispered sorrow. We all cared more than words could say. No one thereafter came with any “do gooder sermonets”. They are a wasted effort in such time. People need to be loved through grief.
God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason: listen more than you talk.
Some years ago John Drakeford wrote the insightful book, The Awesome Power of the Listening Ear. It tells of the importance of listening in times of hurt: losing a child, spouse, friend, house to foreclosure, etc. He was so right.
Dr. Richard Young taught for many years at Bowman Gray and Southeastern Seminary in my student days. He was a brilliant chaplain and mentor in the early days of clinical training with a psychological background to help with understanding. He told a story I shall never forget.
There was a male patient in Dr. Young’s student days who was the terror of the floor. He had a terminal illness and cared not how or when he focused that anger. Every Dr., nurse, or student chaplain was deathly afraid to enter his room. Dr. Young thought about it while he waited his turn to do the inevitable round with this man. He decided to try something different.
He went in the room and pulled a chair beside the door. He sat down and said NOTHING! After the required 30 minutes, he stood to leave. The patient spoke. He said, “Thanks for saying nothing and just being here. I needed that more than you can know. I am tired of the questions and “cheer up” bull from every one except you. Thanks for being here and DO come again! When I am ready to talk, I will. Until then, button it up, if you please.”
Dealing with Grief
Most people who have written about grief have discovered a natural process unique to each individual. Time required to grieve is different for each person--also the intensity. The most important thing is to recognize when you are grieving. Some people who always feel bad are grieving and don’t even know it!
Big griefs like loosing a beloved spouse, child, relative, or friend knock us over with their appearance. No one can miss them. There are also “little griefs” like a child losing a favorite toy or having your beautiful car dented. Enough little griefs add up to equal big grief. Today, with bad economic news everywhere, it is multiplying rather than adding. Grief and suffering are everywhere from mansion to shack.
Some people with negative attitudes spend their days looking for things to generate grief. These people are usually miserable and desire to make everyone around them miserable--not the kind of person you want around when you are hurting.
Step 1: Shock and Denial
It is like bashing your thumb with a hammer: no instant hurt--soon nerves kick in.
It is like a dream--you want to wake up and find it not true.
Isolation and feeling you are the only one being hurt so badly
Step 2: Anger
You are mad this awful thing happened to you--Why ME???
You want to curse God and Die--recommendation of Job’s counselors
You want to get that Doctor / Hospital / driver / etc. for letting someone die
Step 3: Bargaining
If God will just spare (fill in the blank), you will be more faithful, give more, become a missionary, etc.
Take me, the parent, rather than my child
Just give me one more chance to do this over
If God will just spare (fill in the blank), you will be more faithful, give more, become a missionary, etc.
Take me, the parent, rather than my child
Just give me one more chance to do this over
Step 4: Depression
Leave me alone in this dark house--I just want to die
No one knows how I feel--leave me alone
I just want to take pills/alcohol/drugs and go to sleep
Leave me alone in this dark house--I just want to die
No one knows how I feel--leave me alone
I just want to take pills/alcohol/drugs and go to sleep
Step 5: Acceptance
God is in this after all
Now I understand what the plan was for me
It is just one of those awful things in life and I must go on
The above steps were discovered by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her famous book, On Death and Dying. Other writers like Grainger Westberg--Good Grief, Edgar N. Jackson--You and Your Grief and Telling a Child about Death all form the basis of my “books to share with hurting people.” If you are hurting and cannot seem to move through your grief, I encourage the reading of such books to enhance understanding and compassion. Anything simply promoting “positive thinking” likely will not address the more serious and deep grief situations. If grief is not moving behind naturally in 6 months, seek professional help.
Remember the shortest verse in the Bible: “Jesus wept?” Remember the beautiful description: “He was a Man of Sorrows acquainted with grief?” These few words tell us God knows of our sorrow. His own Son experienced the depths of sorrow, yet moved on to face life again. Anyone who experiences grief is now uniquely prepared by life and God’s help to undergird those just being hit by the hard bricks thrown at us by life.
Is Professional help necessary along with heavy medication like Valium/Lithium? The answer might be “yes” in very serious cases lingering for years. A quick “pill pop” will not help anyone work through real grief. Instead, it will prolong or cover up steps necessary to go on with life resuming the smiling and singing a song. I am just as suspicious of the “quick fix” as I am the “counselor dependent” approach to grief. Both cost great sums of money and neither gets at the core of grief. It is a journey enabled by Faith in God.
Maybe we need more good old Country Stores! As a child I went with Granddaddy Williams to Cousin Leonard Williams’ store just outside Greenville, SC. I listened as they talked and joked, cursed weather, government, price for crops, and considered which tractor was best. Finally, after about 30-45 minutes, they decided without saying it: “We are all in the same boat so we might as well get to the field and start plowing. This is just talk which won’t solve anything. Weeds need hoes and plows rather than lazy people praying for God to do it for them.”
What if we started helping one another rather than depending on “professionals” and “miracles” to do it for us?
What if our SS classes dealt with sharing our hurts in light of the Scripture lesson rather than parsing Greek verbs?
What if we all realized with 1 mouth and 2 ears God might be telling us to listen twice as much as we talk?
Let’s help one another. Sometimes it is better to go as a group from 1 field to another rather than separate, each to his own field. “By this shall they know you are my disciples: If you love one another,” said Jesus.
Talk is cheap---we need action in these tough, grief-filled days.
Grief and the National Economy
“I walked a mile with pleasure
She chattered all the way,
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with sorrow
And Ne’er a word said she,
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When sorrow walked with me.”
Robert B. Hamilton
It takes a griever to help a griever. The above was penned by someone who had been there. I can write this article on grief because I have been there. I highlight a few of my griefs:
Two forced terminations--God led me to bivocational ministry
Career change to insurance--Company bought out / lost the intimacy of small company teamwork.
Hurricane Floyd destroyed my territory of Eastern NC--no insurance money
Turned hobby of tree cutting into highly successful A / P Tree Surgeons
Failed national and local economy made my phone stop ringing.
Our beautiful $250,000 dream house got foreclosed. We moved to our “retirement” cottage classified as a “fisherman’s cottage,” which means no insulation, cold water, no A-C, plenty of windows. No insulation meant 50 degree mornings inside the house. Diesel fuel was almost $5 a gallon! They pulled the electric meter three times because I had no work. My wife drives 1.5 hours twice a day to keep her old job. A deer totals the car we should pay off in April ‘09. Nothing is trickling down to us but sorrow and grief. Being Job on the dung heap is no fun.
I suspect many of you can relate similar stories. Every one is suffering from high grocery / fuel / utility prices.
The difference between a Depression and a Recession is simple:
A Recession is when your neighbor lost his job--
A Depression is when you lost yours!
If you are not experiencing the Depression, it is coming your way as companies downsize, states and counties trim budgets, and church income falls. Some people must choose food and electricity over church giving.
In the last year I have not talked with any small businessman who is happy.
God created us to cope with grief, but it is a process. It is not done by a snap of the finger or with a “perfect” sermon. Job is the classic example. It was almost deleted from the Torah because it is so honest about the hurting, blaming, struggling process of grief.
Worse, in the eyes of Jewish religious leaders, it violates the simple formula of “Serving God = Success.” Just like today, the simple minded want to focus on the reverse: “Failure = God has left you.”
They believed, like my simple minded Baptist mother, that all you have to do is go to church and give your tithe. God is obligated to bless and save you. She has told me many times my troubles are because I stopped being a full-time Baptist minister. God is getting me.
She thinks I am a bad boy because my wife and I spend Sundays right now insulating the house and renovating it into something where we can walk five steps without stumbling over boxes.
My wife deserves a decent home.
Right now our worship is renovating our lives and residence so we can live like humans. The ox is in the ditch. We do not work on Sunday morning. I listen to the worship of New Bern First on TV. Sadly, a worshipful traditional service with robed clergy pales in showy comparison to a Charles Stanley / Joel Osteen / Rick Warren show. I prefer quality over glitter. Attend a local church filled with real people who are trying to help you in your daily struggle. Or, like me, trust God and get the ox out of the ditch.
We all know the story: Job was a booming success, God allowed Satan to test him through losing it all. Mind you: God “allowed” -- God didn’t do it to Job. As Job sits on a dung heap scraping sores and boils with a pot shard, the wife and friends come by to comfort and advise him. Like most of us “quick fix” artists they utter pious and empty phrases which never answer the deep questions of Job,
Put simply, it is “Why, God, WHY? I have served you faithfully. I have paid my tithe, I have been blessed by you with success which proves further you approve of me. Why the heck are you treating me like this? I don’t deserve it.”
Now, let me ask the practical question: How many adult SS classes considered how the national economy and foreclosures are a source of grief---and allowed their class members to discuss their hurts and griefs together? Shakespeare once said, “A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.” Perhaps we should spend more time sharing together than discussing historical details of the Scripture passage. Despite my story appearing in the local paper, only one person from my “caring” church has called to express sympathy and understanding.
Are we scared to address the realities of GRIEF today???
Magic money making -- NOT
It has been several weeks since I FAXed my interest in highway projects / tree clearing to Barnhill Contracting in Tarboro. I have worked for him personally at his historic church, but have nothing to report.
I keep hoping and praying, but this economy has me by the private parts. Still at about 30% of 3 years ago hanging on with my toenails and fingernails. They are all bleeding badly!
I did have a sales contact from an internet advertising agency promising 40-60 contacts off an ad with them. This time I made him put it clearly in the contract that these would be actual invites to bid jobs rather than just "hits" on the ad. We will see!
So I shall move on to more important issues: Grief and the National Economy.
I keep hoping and praying, but this economy has me by the private parts. Still at about 30% of 3 years ago hanging on with my toenails and fingernails. They are all bleeding badly!
I did have a sales contact from an internet advertising agency promising 40-60 contacts off an ad with them. This time I made him put it clearly in the contract that these would be actual invites to bid jobs rather than just "hits" on the ad. We will see!
So I shall move on to more important issues: Grief and the National Economy.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
A lead on Economic Recovery work -- MAYBE!
Yesterday was rainy and I was home all day. About 3:00 p.m. my phone rang. It was John McHugh in Raleigh.
He said my Representative to the House, Angela Bryant, had forwarded my last email sent to all my representatives. In it I asked help in finding any economic recovery places to work.
Thank you Angela Bryant for caring!!!!!
John is dealing on NC projects and referred me to http://www.ncrecovery.gov/ for the listing. In it I found Highway Contracts recently let and several are to my Tarboro friends at Barnhill Contracting. They are doing some road widening projects which require tree removal. I am faxing them today to request they place me on the sub-contractor list. I hope it works.
This proves if you yell and scream long enough, you just might get noticed.
I will keep you posted on the results!
This has been a 3-almost 4 year time of Grief for Lonya and me. The Biblical Recorder is addressing the suicide of a middle age conservative mega-church Pastor in the middle part of the state. You can find the articles with a google to Biblical Recorder Pastor suicide.
I have written several articles for consideration by the BR and several other publications. I think they give insight into this terrible state so many people are visiting these days.
I am just one of thousands loosing businesses, homes, marriages, friendships over a failed economy.
He said my Representative to the House, Angela Bryant, had forwarded my last email sent to all my representatives. In it I asked help in finding any economic recovery places to work.
Thank you Angela Bryant for caring!!!!!
John is dealing on NC projects and referred me to http://www.ncrecovery.gov/ for the listing. In it I found Highway Contracts recently let and several are to my Tarboro friends at Barnhill Contracting. They are doing some road widening projects which require tree removal. I am faxing them today to request they place me on the sub-contractor list. I hope it works.
This proves if you yell and scream long enough, you just might get noticed.
I will keep you posted on the results!
This has been a 3-almost 4 year time of Grief for Lonya and me. The Biblical Recorder is addressing the suicide of a middle age conservative mega-church Pastor in the middle part of the state. You can find the articles with a google to Biblical Recorder Pastor suicide.
I have written several articles for consideration by the BR and several other publications. I think they give insight into this terrible state so many people are visiting these days.
I am just one of thousands loosing businesses, homes, marriages, friendships over a failed economy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)