This legal system is interesting. Although my daughter has had Separation Papers drawn up for almost 3 months, they are not yet signed! He is refusing and going back and forth. There have been threats to sue her as an unfit mother. He now has a lawyer and tells him he is ready to sign one day and the next day it is "Hell NO!"
What a bunch of hooey! My daughter is still trapped in "shades of grey" land. She was easy as anyone could be on him in the first Separation Paper. Then he hired his lawyer with his momma in control to show her they were not going down easy. All this translates into a rising bunch of legal fees to the level of some $3,000 more after the initial $1,600 already paid.
There have been several court dates set for the Judge to decree to him what he won't sign. My daughter's lawyer says she might not get what she is asking should the Judge make the decisions. We are of the opinion that "1 lawyer in a town will starve to death--2 lawyers will both get rich!" The worst thing is how this mess is getting on our daughter's nerves.
We are telling her she has hired her lawyer and can tell him what she wants to do. She is planning to tell him they were on the docket earlier this week and he persuaded her not to go. The 2 lawyers could work things out "tomorrow." Tomorrow has come and gone for 3 days now. No agreement has been signed by him. Enough is enough!
We hope by commanding a firm court date with no more backing off, the Judge will give our struggling daughter relief from her emotional anguish. He husband has not come to get the boys at all over some 2 months. The Separation Agreement allows him to have them for a weekend every other week. This situation just keeps our daughter held hostage on weekends because there is no father relief. That's not fair and tells more about his relationship to his boys than anything else. As in the past 12 years since the first child arrived, fathering has been minimal.
Let this serve as a warning that Lawyers promise the moon, deliver dirt, and charge you $200 per hour regardless of what happens. It's all about "billable hours." You are the employer of the Lawyer and he must do what you tell him you want done. If he doesn't, you could sue him for unnecessary billing with no results! Or just refuse to pay for nothing. Either way, it is your money he is using up in what is being done.
With respect to the boys, things get continually better with some set-backs. One day they are angels, but at least once a week the demons come out. With the ever watchful eye of Social Services a good paddling could get you called in. Their take is that you should not use more than your hand on those tough backsides. My take is, until you see real tears in those hateful and self-centered eyes, you have not gotten the message across that you are the parent and they are the child.
We now have a home schooler couple who killed their child following the "Pearl System" of child training and teaching.
http://kerussocharis.blogspot.com/2010/02/when-child-training-leads-to-abuse-and.html
To make it simple, that system advocates beating children with a 1/4" PVC pipe until they bleed, if necessary. Their picture of properly trained children is a little ball of flesh never talking back and always doing exactly what the parent commands. This is crazy! No child comes into this world who is always submissive and obedient. The parent just has to be a little smarter and more patient so as to never descend into the child's world of chaos and manipulation.
For a crazy fundamentalist reason those parents failed to notice they were harming their child with such a beating. This is definitely a place where Social Services is needed. But, because of such craziness, they have decreed "nothing more than the hand." I dare any of them to be a successful parent--especially of a willful child--by using only the hand all the time!
What I am pointing out here is the disconnect of law and social services from the real world of a simple mother who lived with 15 years of abuse and is trying to resolve the distorted world of 4 boys by her side. She needs help in economical ways from her lawyer. She needs a more intelligent approach to child rearing than what is now in place.
Is society helpful or hurtful to those who are in distress these days? Do laws protect and bring justice to the one harmed--or serve as more protection to the criminal than the victim?
We have plenty of laws on the books. Whatever happened to common sense in their enforcement????
Showing posts with label separation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label separation. Show all posts
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
It is Wednesday--things are better!
I have just talked with my wife and gotten good news. It is better, but certainly not over.
By "better" I mean he went down to the Sheriff's Department and picked up his Separation Papers. He has stopped the harassing phone calls. He left some G.I. Joe toys for the boys on the front steps. They promptly undressed them and have the "stuff" scattered all over their room. They are seldom asking about daddy, and are showing significant signs of better behaviour and attitude under the consistent management of my wife. He has learned nothing about time and love being more important than things to children.
Our daughter, Sara, is showing signs of knowing when her "brainwash" of the last 15 years kicks in and she is falling under any spell of abuse. She is now mad as Hell and does not even know the exact details of the final papers given him. All she knows is her lawyer promised to give him all the financial burden he could for this mess and he either will sign them, or the Judge will sign the order to have them delivered whether he likes it or not!
"Hell knows no fury like a woman scorned"--and that is good, in my opinion. What should a man pay for 15 years of abuse except when he was on a USCG ship in the early years? She has never had any help caring for the boys so she knows she can handle that. She has just lost a "5th child" with his absence, along with distortion of a male image for those 4 wonderful boys.
The oldest is being taken by his mother this afternoon to get a Valentine something-or-other at the jewelry store. Ah, do we all remember our first love and the flutters associated with it!
My joy as a Pa Pa is seeing the boys separated from a bad example. They are still "boys X 4," but, for me, boys are the most fun! I loved my daughter with all my heart, but my son was my hunting buddy and partner in male crime! I was called "Jerk 1," and he became "Jerk 2" in the eyes of my wife and daughter. That's OK because it just signifies that guys are different and women will never completely understand us any more than we will understand them. It is a great on-going mystery!
It is the stuff of Ricky & Lucy, and, more recently, Tim & Jill of "Tim the tool-man Taylor" fame. It makes for good family entertainment far superior to Rose Ann Barr. It is the stuff of comedy routines, the best of which is Bill Cosby, in my opinion.
As long as we can laugh, we will survive.
We are now starting to chuckle in hopes laughter will come shortly. Already Lonya is laughing more with the boys than fussing---and they are responding well. Time will tell if they need more than the Guidance Counselors at school dealing with them.
Lawyers are expensive though. Sara started with $1,600 for the simple approach. $2,000 has been added to that at this point, but "HE WILL PAY," says her lawyer!
By "better" I mean he went down to the Sheriff's Department and picked up his Separation Papers. He has stopped the harassing phone calls. He left some G.I. Joe toys for the boys on the front steps. They promptly undressed them and have the "stuff" scattered all over their room. They are seldom asking about daddy, and are showing significant signs of better behaviour and attitude under the consistent management of my wife. He has learned nothing about time and love being more important than things to children.
Our daughter, Sara, is showing signs of knowing when her "brainwash" of the last 15 years kicks in and she is falling under any spell of abuse. She is now mad as Hell and does not even know the exact details of the final papers given him. All she knows is her lawyer promised to give him all the financial burden he could for this mess and he either will sign them, or the Judge will sign the order to have them delivered whether he likes it or not!
"Hell knows no fury like a woman scorned"--and that is good, in my opinion. What should a man pay for 15 years of abuse except when he was on a USCG ship in the early years? She has never had any help caring for the boys so she knows she can handle that. She has just lost a "5th child" with his absence, along with distortion of a male image for those 4 wonderful boys.
The oldest is being taken by his mother this afternoon to get a Valentine something-or-other at the jewelry store. Ah, do we all remember our first love and the flutters associated with it!
My joy as a Pa Pa is seeing the boys separated from a bad example. They are still "boys X 4," but, for me, boys are the most fun! I loved my daughter with all my heart, but my son was my hunting buddy and partner in male crime! I was called "Jerk 1," and he became "Jerk 2" in the eyes of my wife and daughter. That's OK because it just signifies that guys are different and women will never completely understand us any more than we will understand them. It is a great on-going mystery!
It is the stuff of Ricky & Lucy, and, more recently, Tim & Jill of "Tim the tool-man Taylor" fame. It makes for good family entertainment far superior to Rose Ann Barr. It is the stuff of comedy routines, the best of which is Bill Cosby, in my opinion.
As long as we can laugh, we will survive.
We are now starting to chuckle in hopes laughter will come shortly. Already Lonya is laughing more with the boys than fussing---and they are responding well. Time will tell if they need more than the Guidance Counselors at school dealing with them.
Lawyers are expensive though. Sara started with $1,600 for the simple approach. $2,000 has been added to that at this point, but "HE WILL PAY," says her lawyer!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Where Is He Now???
Last night was interesting. The Deputies showed up after dark at my daughter's door to check on her. They had just been across the County to attempt service of the Protective Order to the "Bad Boy."
His parents claimed to them he was gone for the weekend. They could not go through the door to search for him. Those parents have already received a letter from my daughter's lawyer with a copy of the order enclosed. It cautions them from uttering derogatory comments about her or her parents.
We think he might be visiting his brother to lay low. His brother lives near Wilmington, a 2.5 hour drive away, but who knows. They have lied before for the bad boy they created in a home of hatred and criticism.
The sight of the Deputies did my daughter a world of good. She feels protected and cared for by our law enforcement. It is rare when officers, without being called and pushed, go ahead and do their job.
I asked my wife if they were the same men who came last week to make sure we left safely. She didn't know. I do know this: Those officers wanted so badly to have a signed and delivered Protective Order that night so they could put him in cuffs and give him what NC law provides for women in an abusive situation. They would not have done what they did, and driven some 20 miles to see my daughter face-to-face, had they not cared for what they do more than just getting a paycheck.
Nash County is blessed with officers who care. When we left under their protection they said, "We have more of these situations right now than you can imagine!"
The tight economy has everyone's nerves on edge. People who are in bad relationships can expect to be the punching bag for spouses who are more concerned about money than love.
How I wish he had been shown and taught love as he grew up. I am convinced he could be a different spouse to my daughter, and father to our grandsons.
His parents claimed to them he was gone for the weekend. They could not go through the door to search for him. Those parents have already received a letter from my daughter's lawyer with a copy of the order enclosed. It cautions them from uttering derogatory comments about her or her parents.
We think he might be visiting his brother to lay low. His brother lives near Wilmington, a 2.5 hour drive away, but who knows. They have lied before for the bad boy they created in a home of hatred and criticism.
The sight of the Deputies did my daughter a world of good. She feels protected and cared for by our law enforcement. It is rare when officers, without being called and pushed, go ahead and do their job.
I asked my wife if they were the same men who came last week to make sure we left safely. She didn't know. I do know this: Those officers wanted so badly to have a signed and delivered Protective Order that night so they could put him in cuffs and give him what NC law provides for women in an abusive situation. They would not have done what they did, and driven some 20 miles to see my daughter face-to-face, had they not cared for what they do more than just getting a paycheck.
Nash County is blessed with officers who care. When we left under their protection they said, "We have more of these situations right now than you can imagine!"
The tight economy has everyone's nerves on edge. People who are in bad relationships can expect to be the punching bag for spouses who are more concerned about money than love.
How I wish he had been shown and taught love as he grew up. I am convinced he could be a different spouse to my daughter, and father to our grandsons.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Christmas Day at Daughter's house
I am back home enjoying a lovely, sunny, warmer day at Bayview Cottage. I got home in time to feed the dogs and see what new bills I can't pay had arrived. At least there were no hidden surprises!
As I rode home last night by myself I reflected on what had taken place from Christmas Eve to the time I left about 5:00.
Christmas Eve:
Daddy arrived to bring all kinds of toys and try to, once again, bribe his boys and wife. The boys were thrilled. My daughter was further turned off. He had thought he would lure her to the marital bed once more. Lonya and I had already blown up the air mattress beside our daughter's bed. That should have been a first sign that the room was off limits. Shortly after we retired early our daughter came in. Fully clothed she hit the sack with a huff and sigh of relief--she had made it through Christmas Eve and left him putting out Santa and deciding where he would sleep.
The Separation Papers were in Wednesday and he had insisted in coming over to review them with her. He left in a huff saying he would sign nothing. Sara told us he had done just what she expected, but she figured he would come around. All things not initiated by him get a huffy retort first. After blowing off, he usually did what she wanted him to do. We will see.
Next, before daybreak, was the running and squealing excitement of the 5 year old twins. We went to the den to find more things than any 5 children might get if only there were one. In this case about $2,000 worth of "stuff" was all over the den and quickly opened. He had left to get batteries--you would think after all these years, this man would learn how important batteries are, but he learns nothing!
Soon most of the presents were opened. After a struggle with all those things Oriental, we were, once again, reminded of how the Oriental toy makers are getting even with American parents these days--the Atom bomb with all its "fail safes" has no more steps to launch than any parent does to unwrap, un-twisted tie, remove holding screws to packages, put in batteries so that an excited child can finally use that 1 toy brought by Santa. Oh My God, there were only 10 more for each grandson to agitate over.
As the boys were playing, one of the twins ran over and grabbed the middle child's toy. Old Jack launched his attack and put the little guy to the floor sliding about 5' while Daddy did nothing. I hollered, "Woah!" and Daddy launched his anger at me: "Don't you EVER YELL AT ONE OF MY BOYS!!!!!!" All suddenly fell silent as he glared at me.
I simply walked to the edge of the kitchen and said, "Sorry about that, bud."
At the same time Lonya gave him her "laser cutting steel with flaming green eyes" look. God help the soul of anyone getting "THAT LOOK!" She didn't let it drop for one second as he made his way to the door to leave in a huff. On the way out he told my daughter he was angry and was sorry he said what he did. The gutless wonder should have said it to me, but does not have enough manhood to look the one he wronged in the eye--ever.
"That's OK," I assured my wife. "I would rather he took it out on me than any of the children, their mother, or you. I could tell by his look and sauntering ways that someone was going to get it sooner of later. Heck, a tree could really kill me and words are nothing--especially out of him." The agonies of Christmas day were over and he would have the privilege of taking 4 sugar candy / cookie (yeah, we let them eat all they wanted) boys to his mother's house. He didn't even have the guts to come back and pick them up--momma came instead--claiming his medicine had kicked in and he wasn't feeling so well.
My God, his momma is ugly these days! I watched her from the carport as I smoked my pipe. I had cracked a blind so I could take a good look at the pickup. Actually, she has cut her gray hair short for the last year. She always has a mean expression on her face and her nose is sharp and pointy to a fault. If they ever remake the "Wizard of Oz" they can hire her as the Wicked Witch of the West. All they have to do is give her a pointy hat, broom, and coat of green spray dye to make the character come to life. Unfortunately, my son-in-law has lived with her all his life--hence his lack of love for himself. It was hard for my daughter not to yell out the door: "Good luck with his boys carrying out his attitude with sugar hyped energy!"
He has an official diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. This is our latest PC way of describing people who are mean and explosive after appearing to be somewhat nice: if you were a SOB 20 years ago, you are now Bipolar!!! Doesn't that sound nice.
Over all, our few days together were more nice than naughty. The boys are noticeably more well-behaved. Now we only hear about 2 obscene words a day rather than 2 per hour! Also a brother fight breaks out about once a day instead of every hour. We are making progress!
Only thing needed now is a signature on that Separation Document, properly notarized, and--as her lawyer says--she will be in charge (wicked grin on lawyer's face)!!!
As I rode home last night by myself I reflected on what had taken place from Christmas Eve to the time I left about 5:00.
Christmas Eve:
Daddy arrived to bring all kinds of toys and try to, once again, bribe his boys and wife. The boys were thrilled. My daughter was further turned off. He had thought he would lure her to the marital bed once more. Lonya and I had already blown up the air mattress beside our daughter's bed. That should have been a first sign that the room was off limits. Shortly after we retired early our daughter came in. Fully clothed she hit the sack with a huff and sigh of relief--she had made it through Christmas Eve and left him putting out Santa and deciding where he would sleep.
The Separation Papers were in Wednesday and he had insisted in coming over to review them with her. He left in a huff saying he would sign nothing. Sara told us he had done just what she expected, but she figured he would come around. All things not initiated by him get a huffy retort first. After blowing off, he usually did what she wanted him to do. We will see.
Next, before daybreak, was the running and squealing excitement of the 5 year old twins. We went to the den to find more things than any 5 children might get if only there were one. In this case about $2,000 worth of "stuff" was all over the den and quickly opened. He had left to get batteries--you would think after all these years, this man would learn how important batteries are, but he learns nothing!
Soon most of the presents were opened. After a struggle with all those things Oriental, we were, once again, reminded of how the Oriental toy makers are getting even with American parents these days--the Atom bomb with all its "fail safes" has no more steps to launch than any parent does to unwrap, un-twisted tie, remove holding screws to packages, put in batteries so that an excited child can finally use that 1 toy brought by Santa. Oh My God, there were only 10 more for each grandson to agitate over.
As the boys were playing, one of the twins ran over and grabbed the middle child's toy. Old Jack launched his attack and put the little guy to the floor sliding about 5' while Daddy did nothing. I hollered, "Woah!" and Daddy launched his anger at me: "Don't you EVER YELL AT ONE OF MY BOYS!!!!!!" All suddenly fell silent as he glared at me.
I simply walked to the edge of the kitchen and said, "Sorry about that, bud."
At the same time Lonya gave him her "laser cutting steel with flaming green eyes" look. God help the soul of anyone getting "THAT LOOK!" She didn't let it drop for one second as he made his way to the door to leave in a huff. On the way out he told my daughter he was angry and was sorry he said what he did. The gutless wonder should have said it to me, but does not have enough manhood to look the one he wronged in the eye--ever.
"That's OK," I assured my wife. "I would rather he took it out on me than any of the children, their mother, or you. I could tell by his look and sauntering ways that someone was going to get it sooner of later. Heck, a tree could really kill me and words are nothing--especially out of him." The agonies of Christmas day were over and he would have the privilege of taking 4 sugar candy / cookie (yeah, we let them eat all they wanted) boys to his mother's house. He didn't even have the guts to come back and pick them up--momma came instead--claiming his medicine had kicked in and he wasn't feeling so well.
My God, his momma is ugly these days! I watched her from the carport as I smoked my pipe. I had cracked a blind so I could take a good look at the pickup. Actually, she has cut her gray hair short for the last year. She always has a mean expression on her face and her nose is sharp and pointy to a fault. If they ever remake the "Wizard of Oz" they can hire her as the Wicked Witch of the West. All they have to do is give her a pointy hat, broom, and coat of green spray dye to make the character come to life. Unfortunately, my son-in-law has lived with her all his life--hence his lack of love for himself. It was hard for my daughter not to yell out the door: "Good luck with his boys carrying out his attitude with sugar hyped energy!"
He has an official diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. This is our latest PC way of describing people who are mean and explosive after appearing to be somewhat nice: if you were a SOB 20 years ago, you are now Bipolar!!! Doesn't that sound nice.
Over all, our few days together were more nice than naughty. The boys are noticeably more well-behaved. Now we only hear about 2 obscene words a day rather than 2 per hour! Also a brother fight breaks out about once a day instead of every hour. We are making progress!
Only thing needed now is a signature on that Separation Document, properly notarized, and--as her lawyer says--she will be in charge (wicked grin on lawyer's face)!!!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The Separation wait continues--the S-I-L still chucks & jives
Yesterday was interesting in daughter land. They had planned for the boys to spend the day with Dad, but a call came in at 9:00. He had just wrecked his car pulling out in front of a lady--it was her fault for being on the cell phone and not swerving! (another projection)
According to him, it totaled his fancy late model Mustang he had just equipped with new glass pack mufflers, leaving the almost new originals sitting under the carport with the rest of his disorganized clutter. At least $5,000 worth of tools, weight bench, riding lawn mower--all of which don't work for small reasons. You would think a guy who repairs nuclear scanners might just figure repairs out, if he cared to.
So now, the boys are disappointed they won't have a day with Dad. 2-3 regrettable spankings later in the afternoon my wife calls with mis-behaviour raging in the background. On that rainy cold day, even a step-to-the-side discussion did not bring results.
The 12-year-old is muttering under his breath and driving his younger brother to tantrum screams. He is a master at twisting the emotional knife just like his dad. Hopefully, it is not too far gone to correct. I have promised him that my son's last spanking took place at 12-13 and it was one he never forgot! If necessary, Pa Pa will be the tyrant that young man needs before a police officer, judge, or drill sergeant takes on the responsibility.
The 9 year old screamer is being attacked on all sides (according to him). His twin brothers are split--1 is the "young attacker" the other could care less. In Jackson's eyes everyone is out to get him (good learning of projection from dad). A comfort and assurance talk does some good, but by afternoon he got the tail-burning he deserved.
The twin 5-year-olds are just being 5--translated that means, fight for a while, throw toys for a while, look at TV quietly long enough to get the energy back. My daughter's house has a 2-story cathedral ceiling which echos better than Bat Cave or the Mormon Tabernacle. It is loud and would serve as the perfect echo chamber should my daughter get a starter pistol to get their attention----humm, now I know what to get my daughter for Christmas!!!!
All this action is the result of expected activities being totally changed. Meanwhile, my daughter is wondering, "What if he had pulled out in front of an 18-wheeler? Would I have to deal with this trauma anymore? Would I be able to shed any tears at the funeral--or have to fake it?"
His story was that he had to go to the Emergency Room, the car is likely totaled, he is lucky to be alive! Interestingly, it is told as he came over later in the afternoon to pick up the 12-year-old to go to the gym without going through their mother. Now, ask a question here: If "he was almost killed and went to the Emergency Room," how is it possible to go lift weights later in that afternoon with your son?????
H-m-m-m-m!! We wouldn't dramatize and con our way back into the irate wife's world, would we????
My daughter and wife aren't stupid! Their projection for making a bet is a car hardly dented. Did he even go to the ER and how did he get out quickly enough to continue his day by noon? At the least there was not enough damage to keep him long--or it might be a total lie to get sympathy.
It's not possible to restore the marriage now, but I thought you might like another story of "chuck-and-jive" during Separation Paper waiting time!
According to him, it totaled his fancy late model Mustang he had just equipped with new glass pack mufflers, leaving the almost new originals sitting under the carport with the rest of his disorganized clutter. At least $5,000 worth of tools, weight bench, riding lawn mower--all of which don't work for small reasons. You would think a guy who repairs nuclear scanners might just figure repairs out, if he cared to.
So now, the boys are disappointed they won't have a day with Dad. 2-3 regrettable spankings later in the afternoon my wife calls with mis-behaviour raging in the background. On that rainy cold day, even a step-to-the-side discussion did not bring results.
The 12-year-old is muttering under his breath and driving his younger brother to tantrum screams. He is a master at twisting the emotional knife just like his dad. Hopefully, it is not too far gone to correct. I have promised him that my son's last spanking took place at 12-13 and it was one he never forgot! If necessary, Pa Pa will be the tyrant that young man needs before a police officer, judge, or drill sergeant takes on the responsibility.
The 9 year old screamer is being attacked on all sides (according to him). His twin brothers are split--1 is the "young attacker" the other could care less. In Jackson's eyes everyone is out to get him (good learning of projection from dad). A comfort and assurance talk does some good, but by afternoon he got the tail-burning he deserved.
The twin 5-year-olds are just being 5--translated that means, fight for a while, throw toys for a while, look at TV quietly long enough to get the energy back. My daughter's house has a 2-story cathedral ceiling which echos better than Bat Cave or the Mormon Tabernacle. It is loud and would serve as the perfect echo chamber should my daughter get a starter pistol to get their attention----humm, now I know what to get my daughter for Christmas!!!!
All this action is the result of expected activities being totally changed. Meanwhile, my daughter is wondering, "What if he had pulled out in front of an 18-wheeler? Would I have to deal with this trauma anymore? Would I be able to shed any tears at the funeral--or have to fake it?"
His story was that he had to go to the Emergency Room, the car is likely totaled, he is lucky to be alive! Interestingly, it is told as he came over later in the afternoon to pick up the 12-year-old to go to the gym without going through their mother. Now, ask a question here: If "he was almost killed and went to the Emergency Room," how is it possible to go lift weights later in that afternoon with your son?????
H-m-m-m-m!! We wouldn't dramatize and con our way back into the irate wife's world, would we????
My daughter and wife aren't stupid! Their projection for making a bet is a car hardly dented. Did he even go to the ER and how did he get out quickly enough to continue his day by noon? At the least there was not enough damage to keep him long--or it might be a total lie to get sympathy.
It's not possible to restore the marriage now, but I thought you might like another story of "chuck-and-jive" during Separation Paper waiting time!
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