Tuesday, 1/11/11, is a day to go down in our Scarborough history---Our daughter had her divorce papers signed by the Judge and IT IS OVER!!!
It has been a long year and 2 months. We have shed tears / feared reprisals / been escorted from her house by police protection / missed much of our marital time together for such a long time, BUT IT IS OVER!!!!
Sara knows she needs to move a distance away and has her house on the market. Lonya and I have spent many hours doing repairs and cleaning which should have been done through the years. We are both "weary in well-doing," but the healing is worth it.
4 boys, now ages 13 / 10 / and age 7 twins, are emotionally healing and we didn't have to send them to a Child Psychologist. Gam's presence, listening ear, and refusal to dismiss bad behaviour has worked miracles we thought would not happen.
Sara has reverted to her childhood state of dependence on her mother, but how do you tackle a demanding managerial job every day and full-time demands of parenthood without a momma to help? She is lucky to have such a mom, and is ever telling of her gratitude. Her genuine smile of contentment is starting to show again.
In the last month some new male friendships have developed, but the package has great demands attached. The odds for a woman with 4 boys attached are strictly against her, but who knows. Few men have the maturity to handle such responsibility along with a woman. Just a woman who is in early middle-age has enough changes and adaptation on her own. When that goes with boys not quite sure of any man, it is more than magnified. It will take a big man to handle it all wisely.
In all this we are most fortunate. No one got hurt or killed in a volitile situation where drugs were involved. A good divorce lawyer showed more compassion than his fees require. His office assistants pitched in as well. She got a reasonable settlement and now has no more legal incumberances with her former husband. He even traded cars in December and her name came off the last joint debt!
We are anxious to see what this next year holds. You think when children get married you just have to be spoilers of grandchildren.
We just never seem to get the "easy road" you expect as careers end and retirement looms. The bad economy has deprived us of our nest egg, but we have a nice little cottage by the Pamlico River. Money can't buy such bliss for it comes with joy and peace only Faith can bring about.
We are not living on "easy street," but we are BLESSED!!!
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Friday, June 18, 2010
June: Wedding Month / Recovery Month
It is almost Father's Day. My wife is asking what I want. I already got it!!!!
The last 2 weeks have seen my 4 grandsons returning to normalcy as well as our daughter! My wife is home this weekend with plans to come home at least two nights a week in the future. Her job of assistant mother / child counselor is showing great results! She is the finest mother / grandmother known to mankind.
Two weeks ago she came home during the week. She returned to find 4 boys glad to have her sleeping on the couch once more. They said as long as she was between the door and them, they could sleep without fear. Nothing had happened, and they knew one night without "Gam" could be had without anything happening. What a compliment to how they took seriously Gam's promise that as long as she was there nothing would happen to them or their mother.
Anyone foolish enough to mess with an old she bear protecting her progeny had better watch out! She is old and has lived her life. She is protective and as much as she cared for her own children, she is even more protective of them when grown with cubs. Never mess with an old she bear!!!
The process from November to the present has tried our nerves and deepened our souls. Like similar trials in the past, this adventure has not been pleasant, but it has affirmed our faith that good and dedicated people will ultimately win.
The boys are acting in a beautiful and normal way. They are no longer easily pursuaded that their mother is evil. When they return home from a visit with their father, they tell us in childlike honesty what went on.
Their Gam has told them they will get the truth from her and their mother, and then they can make up their own minds.
The emotional assaults on Sara do not end. She is getting calls and text messages asking why they can't get together again. Now she clearly states: "You wanted to kill me and my family the night we left. You had a chance to straighten things out and for 2 years you did nothing. It is too late for me to change my mind."
I'm proud of my women: Sara and Lonya. I'm equally proud of the boys and their new normalcy. I hope we move toward the future with good emotions and a determination to conquer whatever challenges life should bring.
No one knows, but we trust God to be our security.
The last 2 weeks have seen my 4 grandsons returning to normalcy as well as our daughter! My wife is home this weekend with plans to come home at least two nights a week in the future. Her job of assistant mother / child counselor is showing great results! She is the finest mother / grandmother known to mankind.
Two weeks ago she came home during the week. She returned to find 4 boys glad to have her sleeping on the couch once more. They said as long as she was between the door and them, they could sleep without fear. Nothing had happened, and they knew one night without "Gam" could be had without anything happening. What a compliment to how they took seriously Gam's promise that as long as she was there nothing would happen to them or their mother.
Anyone foolish enough to mess with an old she bear protecting her progeny had better watch out! She is old and has lived her life. She is protective and as much as she cared for her own children, she is even more protective of them when grown with cubs. Never mess with an old she bear!!!
The process from November to the present has tried our nerves and deepened our souls. Like similar trials in the past, this adventure has not been pleasant, but it has affirmed our faith that good and dedicated people will ultimately win.
The boys are acting in a beautiful and normal way. They are no longer easily pursuaded that their mother is evil. When they return home from a visit with their father, they tell us in childlike honesty what went on.
Their Gam has told them they will get the truth from her and their mother, and then they can make up their own minds.
The emotional assaults on Sara do not end. She is getting calls and text messages asking why they can't get together again. Now she clearly states: "You wanted to kill me and my family the night we left. You had a chance to straighten things out and for 2 years you did nothing. It is too late for me to change my mind."
I'm proud of my women: Sara and Lonya. I'm equally proud of the boys and their new normalcy. I hope we move toward the future with good emotions and a determination to conquer whatever challenges life should bring.
No one knows, but we trust God to be our security.
Friday, February 26, 2010
It Has Been a Month and NOTHING has Happened!
This legal system is interesting. Although my daughter has had Separation Papers drawn up for almost 3 months, they are not yet signed! He is refusing and going back and forth. There have been threats to sue her as an unfit mother. He now has a lawyer and tells him he is ready to sign one day and the next day it is "Hell NO!"
What a bunch of hooey! My daughter is still trapped in "shades of grey" land. She was easy as anyone could be on him in the first Separation Paper. Then he hired his lawyer with his momma in control to show her they were not going down easy. All this translates into a rising bunch of legal fees to the level of some $3,000 more after the initial $1,600 already paid.
There have been several court dates set for the Judge to decree to him what he won't sign. My daughter's lawyer says she might not get what she is asking should the Judge make the decisions. We are of the opinion that "1 lawyer in a town will starve to death--2 lawyers will both get rich!" The worst thing is how this mess is getting on our daughter's nerves.
We are telling her she has hired her lawyer and can tell him what she wants to do. She is planning to tell him they were on the docket earlier this week and he persuaded her not to go. The 2 lawyers could work things out "tomorrow." Tomorrow has come and gone for 3 days now. No agreement has been signed by him. Enough is enough!
We hope by commanding a firm court date with no more backing off, the Judge will give our struggling daughter relief from her emotional anguish. He husband has not come to get the boys at all over some 2 months. The Separation Agreement allows him to have them for a weekend every other week. This situation just keeps our daughter held hostage on weekends because there is no father relief. That's not fair and tells more about his relationship to his boys than anything else. As in the past 12 years since the first child arrived, fathering has been minimal.
Let this serve as a warning that Lawyers promise the moon, deliver dirt, and charge you $200 per hour regardless of what happens. It's all about "billable hours." You are the employer of the Lawyer and he must do what you tell him you want done. If he doesn't, you could sue him for unnecessary billing with no results! Or just refuse to pay for nothing. Either way, it is your money he is using up in what is being done.
With respect to the boys, things get continually better with some set-backs. One day they are angels, but at least once a week the demons come out. With the ever watchful eye of Social Services a good paddling could get you called in. Their take is that you should not use more than your hand on those tough backsides. My take is, until you see real tears in those hateful and self-centered eyes, you have not gotten the message across that you are the parent and they are the child.
We now have a home schooler couple who killed their child following the "Pearl System" of child training and teaching.
http://kerussocharis.blogspot.com/2010/02/when-child-training-leads-to-abuse-and.html
To make it simple, that system advocates beating children with a 1/4" PVC pipe until they bleed, if necessary. Their picture of properly trained children is a little ball of flesh never talking back and always doing exactly what the parent commands. This is crazy! No child comes into this world who is always submissive and obedient. The parent just has to be a little smarter and more patient so as to never descend into the child's world of chaos and manipulation.
For a crazy fundamentalist reason those parents failed to notice they were harming their child with such a beating. This is definitely a place where Social Services is needed. But, because of such craziness, they have decreed "nothing more than the hand." I dare any of them to be a successful parent--especially of a willful child--by using only the hand all the time!
What I am pointing out here is the disconnect of law and social services from the real world of a simple mother who lived with 15 years of abuse and is trying to resolve the distorted world of 4 boys by her side. She needs help in economical ways from her lawyer. She needs a more intelligent approach to child rearing than what is now in place.
Is society helpful or hurtful to those who are in distress these days? Do laws protect and bring justice to the one harmed--or serve as more protection to the criminal than the victim?
We have plenty of laws on the books. Whatever happened to common sense in their enforcement????
What a bunch of hooey! My daughter is still trapped in "shades of grey" land. She was easy as anyone could be on him in the first Separation Paper. Then he hired his lawyer with his momma in control to show her they were not going down easy. All this translates into a rising bunch of legal fees to the level of some $3,000 more after the initial $1,600 already paid.
There have been several court dates set for the Judge to decree to him what he won't sign. My daughter's lawyer says she might not get what she is asking should the Judge make the decisions. We are of the opinion that "1 lawyer in a town will starve to death--2 lawyers will both get rich!" The worst thing is how this mess is getting on our daughter's nerves.
We are telling her she has hired her lawyer and can tell him what she wants to do. She is planning to tell him they were on the docket earlier this week and he persuaded her not to go. The 2 lawyers could work things out "tomorrow." Tomorrow has come and gone for 3 days now. No agreement has been signed by him. Enough is enough!
We hope by commanding a firm court date with no more backing off, the Judge will give our struggling daughter relief from her emotional anguish. He husband has not come to get the boys at all over some 2 months. The Separation Agreement allows him to have them for a weekend every other week. This situation just keeps our daughter held hostage on weekends because there is no father relief. That's not fair and tells more about his relationship to his boys than anything else. As in the past 12 years since the first child arrived, fathering has been minimal.
Let this serve as a warning that Lawyers promise the moon, deliver dirt, and charge you $200 per hour regardless of what happens. It's all about "billable hours." You are the employer of the Lawyer and he must do what you tell him you want done. If he doesn't, you could sue him for unnecessary billing with no results! Or just refuse to pay for nothing. Either way, it is your money he is using up in what is being done.
With respect to the boys, things get continually better with some set-backs. One day they are angels, but at least once a week the demons come out. With the ever watchful eye of Social Services a good paddling could get you called in. Their take is that you should not use more than your hand on those tough backsides. My take is, until you see real tears in those hateful and self-centered eyes, you have not gotten the message across that you are the parent and they are the child.
We now have a home schooler couple who killed their child following the "Pearl System" of child training and teaching.
http://kerussocharis.blogspot.com/2010/02/when-child-training-leads-to-abuse-and.html
To make it simple, that system advocates beating children with a 1/4" PVC pipe until they bleed, if necessary. Their picture of properly trained children is a little ball of flesh never talking back and always doing exactly what the parent commands. This is crazy! No child comes into this world who is always submissive and obedient. The parent just has to be a little smarter and more patient so as to never descend into the child's world of chaos and manipulation.
For a crazy fundamentalist reason those parents failed to notice they were harming their child with such a beating. This is definitely a place where Social Services is needed. But, because of such craziness, they have decreed "nothing more than the hand." I dare any of them to be a successful parent--especially of a willful child--by using only the hand all the time!
What I am pointing out here is the disconnect of law and social services from the real world of a simple mother who lived with 15 years of abuse and is trying to resolve the distorted world of 4 boys by her side. She needs help in economical ways from her lawyer. She needs a more intelligent approach to child rearing than what is now in place.
Is society helpful or hurtful to those who are in distress these days? Do laws protect and bring justice to the one harmed--or serve as more protection to the criminal than the victim?
We have plenty of laws on the books. Whatever happened to common sense in their enforcement????
Monday, January 25, 2010
Things are moving along--slowly!
There is no dramatic news in the last week, except that I miss my wife badly, but she is where she is needed!
My son-in-law has a lawyer now, but that is good. He is getting a clear message from his lawyer about how important it is to go ahead and sign the Separation Agreement and abide by the Protective Order.
The boys have good days and bad ones. When they are on a regular school schedule, things seem to go pretty well. On the weekends it is a constant time of fussing, fighting, and vying for attention.
My wife and daughter are trying their best not to use force on them. Standing in the corner is a pretty good punishment, but it often goes in one ear and out the other. Like typical children with too many computer games and not enough exercise the ecoing house becomes their playground and it had my wife almost in tears of frustration last weekend.
I advised her today to get them a big punching bag or mat and put it out in the garage. They can punch and karate kick to their heart's content witout injuring a brother. Children today are seeing too much violence in their cartoons and programs along with the little game computers--the names of which I can't keep up. They are all expensive and they think each one must have his own or it is an invitation to another fight.
When I was growing up and sharing a room with my brother, we knew to behave and seldom fight. That lesson was taught from early childhood and enforced with a switch if we didn't respect momma and daddy. When 2 more sisters came along we were in a small house, but we still had our chores and knew not to be rambunctuous inside the house. The furniture and beds were not play equipment!
I think a lot of this is too much money and too much personal possession to the point the lesson of sharing with one another never gets taught. It is one of the most important lessons of life! My conflicts with my siblings was good preparation in social skills when I grew up knowing how to be respecful of others.
I hate the "me first" attitude my grandsons have. Our other 2 grandchildren do not have this. Maybe it's because they are a boy and girl, but I think it is mostly from better child rearing practices by their parents.
It is what it is and there is progress so I am grateful. We hope they boys can get by with no more counseling or medication than the schools and Gam can provide. Right now, between work and the emotional distractions our daughter is close to insanity, herself, and could not get along without Lonya's help.
I just miss her badly!
My son-in-law has a lawyer now, but that is good. He is getting a clear message from his lawyer about how important it is to go ahead and sign the Separation Agreement and abide by the Protective Order.
The boys have good days and bad ones. When they are on a regular school schedule, things seem to go pretty well. On the weekends it is a constant time of fussing, fighting, and vying for attention.
My wife and daughter are trying their best not to use force on them. Standing in the corner is a pretty good punishment, but it often goes in one ear and out the other. Like typical children with too many computer games and not enough exercise the ecoing house becomes their playground and it had my wife almost in tears of frustration last weekend.
I advised her today to get them a big punching bag or mat and put it out in the garage. They can punch and karate kick to their heart's content witout injuring a brother. Children today are seeing too much violence in their cartoons and programs along with the little game computers--the names of which I can't keep up. They are all expensive and they think each one must have his own or it is an invitation to another fight.
When I was growing up and sharing a room with my brother, we knew to behave and seldom fight. That lesson was taught from early childhood and enforced with a switch if we didn't respect momma and daddy. When 2 more sisters came along we were in a small house, but we still had our chores and knew not to be rambunctuous inside the house. The furniture and beds were not play equipment!
I think a lot of this is too much money and too much personal possession to the point the lesson of sharing with one another never gets taught. It is one of the most important lessons of life! My conflicts with my siblings was good preparation in social skills when I grew up knowing how to be respecful of others.
I hate the "me first" attitude my grandsons have. Our other 2 grandchildren do not have this. Maybe it's because they are a boy and girl, but I think it is mostly from better child rearing practices by their parents.
It is what it is and there is progress so I am grateful. We hope they boys can get by with no more counseling or medication than the schools and Gam can provide. Right now, between work and the emotional distractions our daughter is close to insanity, herself, and could not get along without Lonya's help.
I just miss her badly!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
It is Wednesday--things are better!
I have just talked with my wife and gotten good news. It is better, but certainly not over.
By "better" I mean he went down to the Sheriff's Department and picked up his Separation Papers. He has stopped the harassing phone calls. He left some G.I. Joe toys for the boys on the front steps. They promptly undressed them and have the "stuff" scattered all over their room. They are seldom asking about daddy, and are showing significant signs of better behaviour and attitude under the consistent management of my wife. He has learned nothing about time and love being more important than things to children.
Our daughter, Sara, is showing signs of knowing when her "brainwash" of the last 15 years kicks in and she is falling under any spell of abuse. She is now mad as Hell and does not even know the exact details of the final papers given him. All she knows is her lawyer promised to give him all the financial burden he could for this mess and he either will sign them, or the Judge will sign the order to have them delivered whether he likes it or not!
"Hell knows no fury like a woman scorned"--and that is good, in my opinion. What should a man pay for 15 years of abuse except when he was on a USCG ship in the early years? She has never had any help caring for the boys so she knows she can handle that. She has just lost a "5th child" with his absence, along with distortion of a male image for those 4 wonderful boys.
The oldest is being taken by his mother this afternoon to get a Valentine something-or-other at the jewelry store. Ah, do we all remember our first love and the flutters associated with it!
My joy as a Pa Pa is seeing the boys separated from a bad example. They are still "boys X 4," but, for me, boys are the most fun! I loved my daughter with all my heart, but my son was my hunting buddy and partner in male crime! I was called "Jerk 1," and he became "Jerk 2" in the eyes of my wife and daughter. That's OK because it just signifies that guys are different and women will never completely understand us any more than we will understand them. It is a great on-going mystery!
It is the stuff of Ricky & Lucy, and, more recently, Tim & Jill of "Tim the tool-man Taylor" fame. It makes for good family entertainment far superior to Rose Ann Barr. It is the stuff of comedy routines, the best of which is Bill Cosby, in my opinion.
As long as we can laugh, we will survive.
We are now starting to chuckle in hopes laughter will come shortly. Already Lonya is laughing more with the boys than fussing---and they are responding well. Time will tell if they need more than the Guidance Counselors at school dealing with them.
Lawyers are expensive though. Sara started with $1,600 for the simple approach. $2,000 has been added to that at this point, but "HE WILL PAY," says her lawyer!
By "better" I mean he went down to the Sheriff's Department and picked up his Separation Papers. He has stopped the harassing phone calls. He left some G.I. Joe toys for the boys on the front steps. They promptly undressed them and have the "stuff" scattered all over their room. They are seldom asking about daddy, and are showing significant signs of better behaviour and attitude under the consistent management of my wife. He has learned nothing about time and love being more important than things to children.
Our daughter, Sara, is showing signs of knowing when her "brainwash" of the last 15 years kicks in and she is falling under any spell of abuse. She is now mad as Hell and does not even know the exact details of the final papers given him. All she knows is her lawyer promised to give him all the financial burden he could for this mess and he either will sign them, or the Judge will sign the order to have them delivered whether he likes it or not!
"Hell knows no fury like a woman scorned"--and that is good, in my opinion. What should a man pay for 15 years of abuse except when he was on a USCG ship in the early years? She has never had any help caring for the boys so she knows she can handle that. She has just lost a "5th child" with his absence, along with distortion of a male image for those 4 wonderful boys.
The oldest is being taken by his mother this afternoon to get a Valentine something-or-other at the jewelry store. Ah, do we all remember our first love and the flutters associated with it!
My joy as a Pa Pa is seeing the boys separated from a bad example. They are still "boys X 4," but, for me, boys are the most fun! I loved my daughter with all my heart, but my son was my hunting buddy and partner in male crime! I was called "Jerk 1," and he became "Jerk 2" in the eyes of my wife and daughter. That's OK because it just signifies that guys are different and women will never completely understand us any more than we will understand them. It is a great on-going mystery!
It is the stuff of Ricky & Lucy, and, more recently, Tim & Jill of "Tim the tool-man Taylor" fame. It makes for good family entertainment far superior to Rose Ann Barr. It is the stuff of comedy routines, the best of which is Bill Cosby, in my opinion.
As long as we can laugh, we will survive.
We are now starting to chuckle in hopes laughter will come shortly. Already Lonya is laughing more with the boys than fussing---and they are responding well. Time will tell if they need more than the Guidance Counselors at school dealing with them.
Lawyers are expensive though. Sara started with $1,600 for the simple approach. $2,000 has been added to that at this point, but "HE WILL PAY," says her lawyer!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
It's Thursday and--he got out last night!
I just talked with my wife for an update on things with our daughter. I came home yesterday afternoon to the low temperatures by the Pamlico. We are looking for some snow overnight tonight. B-u-r-r-r-r!
The hospital called my daughter last night to inform her he had checked out--to whom and exactly where, we do not know. Sara had talked with him when he called sometime yesterday. He was chuckling that he had smashed the windshield of my truck and put a couple of good sized dents in it before having it towed. Additionally, he had trashed the inside and scattered papers, notes, and important things all over the floorboard. His only question was: "What did your dad say about his truck?"
There was not one dab of remorse or humanity showing. This tells my daughter the most important thing she needs to know: The man has not changed and checked out far too soon to have any real effect from whatever treatment he might have gotten.
It leads me to conclude that, at this point, we just have a slightly caged beast still trying to show "he is the man." NOT!!!!!
A friend asked Sara yesterday, "Do you want to risk him picking up any or all the boys and driving his car off a cliff to show you can't have them?" Is Sara ever thinking between that question and what he did to my truck.
Her answer is: "HELL NO!" She is just that mad and should be! The locks have been changed on the house. Her Protective Order has not yet been served. A letter has been sent to his parents along with the Order by Sara's lawyer. He should be served today if all goes well. Thereafter, any hostile calls, words, or actions will get him the cuffs and jail cell.
They are all asking why he is focusing his anger so much on me. I know the answer.
It is because I am the male figure in his wife's life who is protecting her and standing up, at long last, to him. If he wants to focus on me, it's OK. In fact, it is welcomed. I can take whatever he should choose to say. I am strong enough to defend myself if the Deputies are not present. He may try to get me, but he will get more than he bargained for. I may be old, but I deal with dangerous trees every day I work, and I always come up with ways to take them down without damage to myself or the customer's property.
Another source of his wrath is the fact every time he has come in and found the children there along with me, they are cuddled around me and being treated with love to which they are responding. Some weeks ago when I was there and the twins, age 5, were too sick to go to school, Sara asked if she should call their dad or would they be OK with Pa Pa. "Pa Pa!!!" was their cry and we had a great day together playing and snuggling. Do they ever need such treatment from a man they can trust. I also encourage some "boy things" Momma and Gam would never allow. God help any boy totally raised and controlled by a women. They don't quite know how to lighten up nor how to get really tough as needed, in my opinion--it's just my "man thang."
Well, we will see what today holds. Lonya will keep me posted and I do have enough fuel this time to make the 1.5 hour trip to my daughter's house, if necessary. Let's hope it will not be.
My job I was to do today has been put off by 2 weeks although I am despirate for any money I can make. The ice storm predicted 5 days ago is quickly degenerating to some light snow overnight tonight and east of I-95. Not exactly a crisis with downed trees everywhere----darn!!!
The hospital called my daughter last night to inform her he had checked out--to whom and exactly where, we do not know. Sara had talked with him when he called sometime yesterday. He was chuckling that he had smashed the windshield of my truck and put a couple of good sized dents in it before having it towed. Additionally, he had trashed the inside and scattered papers, notes, and important things all over the floorboard. His only question was: "What did your dad say about his truck?"
There was not one dab of remorse or humanity showing. This tells my daughter the most important thing she needs to know: The man has not changed and checked out far too soon to have any real effect from whatever treatment he might have gotten.
It leads me to conclude that, at this point, we just have a slightly caged beast still trying to show "he is the man." NOT!!!!!
A friend asked Sara yesterday, "Do you want to risk him picking up any or all the boys and driving his car off a cliff to show you can't have them?" Is Sara ever thinking between that question and what he did to my truck.
Her answer is: "HELL NO!" She is just that mad and should be! The locks have been changed on the house. Her Protective Order has not yet been served. A letter has been sent to his parents along with the Order by Sara's lawyer. He should be served today if all goes well. Thereafter, any hostile calls, words, or actions will get him the cuffs and jail cell.
They are all asking why he is focusing his anger so much on me. I know the answer.
It is because I am the male figure in his wife's life who is protecting her and standing up, at long last, to him. If he wants to focus on me, it's OK. In fact, it is welcomed. I can take whatever he should choose to say. I am strong enough to defend myself if the Deputies are not present. He may try to get me, but he will get more than he bargained for. I may be old, but I deal with dangerous trees every day I work, and I always come up with ways to take them down without damage to myself or the customer's property.
Another source of his wrath is the fact every time he has come in and found the children there along with me, they are cuddled around me and being treated with love to which they are responding. Some weeks ago when I was there and the twins, age 5, were too sick to go to school, Sara asked if she should call their dad or would they be OK with Pa Pa. "Pa Pa!!!" was their cry and we had a great day together playing and snuggling. Do they ever need such treatment from a man they can trust. I also encourage some "boy things" Momma and Gam would never allow. God help any boy totally raised and controlled by a women. They don't quite know how to lighten up nor how to get really tough as needed, in my opinion--it's just my "man thang."
Well, we will see what today holds. Lonya will keep me posted and I do have enough fuel this time to make the 1.5 hour trip to my daughter's house, if necessary. Let's hope it will not be.
My job I was to do today has been put off by 2 weeks although I am despirate for any money I can make. The ice storm predicted 5 days ago is quickly degenerating to some light snow overnight tonight and east of I-95. Not exactly a crisis with downed trees everywhere----darn!!!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
It's Friday, But Sunday's Coming!
Tony Compolo is one of the most inspiring preachers around these days. He is brim full of life's experiences and has a capacity for analysis and communication rarely Found among preachers. Some years ago, at Furman University, he spoke and rendered a sermon. You see, he is also the Associate Pastor in a large black church in addition to his duties at Easern University in Philadelphia.
It's Title I borrowed for this post. It is one of the most moving sermons on the Crucifixion and Easter I have ever heard. That title rings throughout as the preacher recounts every event of the Crucifixion from the carrying of the cross to nails, to a crown of thorns, to spear thrust into Jesus' side. The last description is that Jesus died---he then pauses---the audience is so caught up in the chant of "It's Friday" when he said it, we could not help but complete in loud unison: "BUT SUNDAY'S COMING!!!!!!"
This is how I felt as Sara packed everything, Gam got in the car last, I held the dog, and they pulled off for home. It was Friday, New Year's Day, and Sunday's coming! She is armed with an iron clad Protective Order. The first thing they did after cleaning up more in the house was to put the new locks on every outside door. Now it will take him at least 5 minutes to get in. If he has, by some chance, not been served the Protective Order and cons his way out of the hospital, the Deputies will be there to serve him so that the next time he makes a threatening phone call to any of us or steps on the property he gets cuffs and a jail cell--no if's, and's, or but's!
I just got off the phone to hear what happened with the boys last night. The oldest got invited to a friend's house to sleep overnight. The whole day back at the house was constant turmoil among the boys. Bad behaviour ruled. Finally, it was bed time.
The middle boy had already "hit the ceiling" over his brother leaving. He is his protector and comfort despite the rivalry. Lonya talked with him and decided they would sleep together so he would feel safe. When Sara put the twins down, they were fearful, but she told them all the locks were changed and only she and Gam had the key. Daddy could not get in. They went right to sleep. Jack twisted and turned and dreamed all night, but he did get a night's sleep with Gam by his side. They didn't even finish the wrestling match on TV he dearly loves before falling to sleep.
Sara is taking the boys to school Monday. She has decided to talk with the Principals so they know what the Protective Order reads and they have a copy handy should he make the mistake of showing up at school. He will immediately be arrested and each of our schools now has a Security Officer on campus--it is a sad commentary on what is going on at schools these days. Sara is also going to request the Guidance Counselors have some sessions with each boy. If that does not help we will get them to a good friend who is one of the finest Psychologists in our town. We used to be neighbors so he knows us. We are blessed.
I will get further reports during today and decide whether to go there tonight or tomorrow. I just don't want to miss my GT Yellow Jackets next Tuesday at the Orange Bowl, but that is a secondary concern. There are always replays should I miss it.
My truck he had towed from his house cost my daughter better than $200 down the rat hole. It is at a friend's garage so I can replace the burned out starter. I have a job in the area scheduled for next Thursday. It's not big, but it is a little money because we are down to our last $20 between us and Lonya does not get paid until the end of next week. God has taken care of us using us, a good lawyer, a judge with compassion and common sense, and one of the finest Sheriff's Offices in the state. As the Sheriff said when I called to thank him: "My Deputies make me look good and I am glad to have them."
"It's Friday Night ......BUT SUNDAY'S COMING!!!!!"
It's Title I borrowed for this post. It is one of the most moving sermons on the Crucifixion and Easter I have ever heard. That title rings throughout as the preacher recounts every event of the Crucifixion from the carrying of the cross to nails, to a crown of thorns, to spear thrust into Jesus' side. The last description is that Jesus died---he then pauses---the audience is so caught up in the chant of "It's Friday" when he said it, we could not help but complete in loud unison: "BUT SUNDAY'S COMING!!!!!!"
This is how I felt as Sara packed everything, Gam got in the car last, I held the dog, and they pulled off for home. It was Friday, New Year's Day, and Sunday's coming! She is armed with an iron clad Protective Order. The first thing they did after cleaning up more in the house was to put the new locks on every outside door. Now it will take him at least 5 minutes to get in. If he has, by some chance, not been served the Protective Order and cons his way out of the hospital, the Deputies will be there to serve him so that the next time he makes a threatening phone call to any of us or steps on the property he gets cuffs and a jail cell--no if's, and's, or but's!
I just got off the phone to hear what happened with the boys last night. The oldest got invited to a friend's house to sleep overnight. The whole day back at the house was constant turmoil among the boys. Bad behaviour ruled. Finally, it was bed time.
The middle boy had already "hit the ceiling" over his brother leaving. He is his protector and comfort despite the rivalry. Lonya talked with him and decided they would sleep together so he would feel safe. When Sara put the twins down, they were fearful, but she told them all the locks were changed and only she and Gam had the key. Daddy could not get in. They went right to sleep. Jack twisted and turned and dreamed all night, but he did get a night's sleep with Gam by his side. They didn't even finish the wrestling match on TV he dearly loves before falling to sleep.
Sara is taking the boys to school Monday. She has decided to talk with the Principals so they know what the Protective Order reads and they have a copy handy should he make the mistake of showing up at school. He will immediately be arrested and each of our schools now has a Security Officer on campus--it is a sad commentary on what is going on at schools these days. Sara is also going to request the Guidance Counselors have some sessions with each boy. If that does not help we will get them to a good friend who is one of the finest Psychologists in our town. We used to be neighbors so he knows us. We are blessed.
I will get further reports during today and decide whether to go there tonight or tomorrow. I just don't want to miss my GT Yellow Jackets next Tuesday at the Orange Bowl, but that is a secondary concern. There are always replays should I miss it.
My truck he had towed from his house cost my daughter better than $200 down the rat hole. It is at a friend's garage so I can replace the burned out starter. I have a job in the area scheduled for next Thursday. It's not big, but it is a little money because we are down to our last $20 between us and Lonya does not get paid until the end of next week. God has taken care of us using us, a good lawyer, a judge with compassion and common sense, and one of the finest Sheriff's Offices in the state. As the Sheriff said when I called to thank him: "My Deputies make me look good and I am glad to have them."
"It's Friday Night ......BUT SUNDAY'S COMING!!!!!"
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
A night spent at my daughter's house
Sunday was interesting. I needed to get the Bobcat to Rocky Mount and pick up wood for another man who had cut some trees. My situation is so desperate, I am willing to just pick up wood for it's value. A full trailer load of good logs which are turned into plywood could bring me $200. That is the maximum any load will bring, but something is better than nothing.
I had planned to do this Monday, but bad weather was coming so I upped it a day---to find the rascal had let someone else have the wood without telling me he had changed his mind. What a pile of--I'll just say sorry pulp wood which brings about as much as cow manure!
So I went on to my daughter's house to find only my wife there. It was so nice to have a few hours alone with the woman I love and respect who is protecting our daughter and grandsons.
Daddy had the 4 boys for the day and brought them back about 5:00. The second he saw me a scowl went across his face. I decided to be nice and asked, "How's it going today?" With that he slammed the McDonald's bag full of air and scared the mess out of the boys. He walked off and within a few minutes was leaving muttering. He then, with the most hateful voice said, "I hope you enjoy MY house / MY TV," and slammed the door on his way out. Had he not had his mommas car instead of his hot dog Mustang, I am sure rubber would have squalled for 1/4 mile! Hate was in the air and the boys were terrified.
A little later when they were snuggling and talking the truth came out: their daddy had spent the day saying all kinds of hateful things about my wife and I as his parents goaded him on in front of the boys. All it really did was make the boys evaluate even more who cared about them and what a loving home they were coming back to. We turned out the lights, popped popcorn, and had a good children's movie along with child talk and play until it was bed time.
In a way I am laughing myself to death over this: he had criticized behind our backs only to find both of us being nice to him when he brought the boys in. That was the real source of anger--he knows his family and him are mean and cruel---then he had to see 2 grandparents giving the children only love and control. How sad!
As I drove back home 1.5 hours yesterday I spent most of the journey in thought and prayer. I put in a call to my daughter's attorney and talked with his assistant. They were supposed to have the Separation Papers drawn already, but it hasn't yet happened. They have been paid in full. They advised Sara to be sweet and non-combative so he would be more prone to sign. The trouble is, no matter how nice we all are, he continues awful phone calls and messages with all the horrible female expletives of "b" / "w" / "s" / etc. accusing my daughter of an affair she never even thinks about. The secretary immediately called my daughter to see if more severe things should be done to further protect her. They care about this more than the money involved. This lawyer has been through divorce himself with a abusive wife!
Imagine this: the mother of 4 active boys who gets no help with their discipline or care outside a bag of fast food which makes them worse / a house which never gets all straight because he and his boys think clothes should just be thrown anywhere they take them off / a manager of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store at Christmas shopping time---and she is out chasing some man!!!! Give me a break. With his bad male behaviour and 4 boys copying him, the last thing she wants is another stupid male. She may never marry again.
I have counseled many women in this situation. To a person, they have all said, "The last thing I care about now is another stupid bully / idiot / self-centered man! If I never have to live with one again, it would be nice!"
Women have a great capacity for love and tolerance, far more than men. BUT there comes a time when they have been abused enough and all love ceases. They might feel sorry for the rascal, but there is no response to attempted hugs or kisses. He thought it was cute to take a picture of his "manhood" and show it to my daughter with an invitation to the marital bed. He might as well have poured a big bucket of cold water over her. It was TOTALLY gross!
The LAST THING she wants from him now is any touching or even being in the house or within sight of her or the boys. He has died as far as she is concerned because love has died. In this sense she has totally fulfilled her wedding vow: It says "til death do us part" and the death of love through abuse is as real as physical death--in many ways, if he went through with his empty threat to "kill himself," it would be kinder and more final. In fact when he said it in a follow up to his hateful recorded message she wisely told him, "Go ahead! Use a long knife or big gun so there will be no big hospital bills or debilitated person left behind to bother me any more!" It is all empty threat--I doubt this one has the guts---BUT NEVER SIT BACK THINKING THIS---he has enough crazy and anger to harm others, if not himself!
I back my daughter 100% on all this! For her sake and the boys this terror must end. Love and family living deserve much more. He is trying to pass on the sick upbringing he had, but my daughter, and us, are moving ahead to get his Demon Possessed personality to the Isolation Ward. Unless he chooses to change after 35 years, all he will do is spread the germs of "I can't love myself" in any relationship he makes.
If he killed himself today, he would be no more dead than with what he has done to love in 15 years of abuse! I pray for him an exorcism of his demon of not knowing what love is because he got only hate and abuse as he grew up.
My daddy always said, "You can't keep a bird from flying over your head, but you can surely keep him from nesting there."
This was in terms of his poorer than poor upbringing out of which he WORKED! He hitch-hiked to college, peeled potatoes and cut hair to get through, and then worked every day so his family would never experience the Depression era poverty he knew! I did yard work and trim carpentry to get through!
Anyone can grow up in difficult circumstances, but NO ONE has to stay there! If you stay there it is by choice and excuse rather than getting hold of your boot straps and pulling yourself up. Nowadays, race or poverty are somewhat an asset because every expensive tax-paid program is available should you be a minority / poor / uneducated / etc. Don't tell me "you can't help it" because my father and I have proven otherwise.
Just get off your pity pot and get on with life!
I had planned to do this Monday, but bad weather was coming so I upped it a day---to find the rascal had let someone else have the wood without telling me he had changed his mind. What a pile of--I'll just say sorry pulp wood which brings about as much as cow manure!
So I went on to my daughter's house to find only my wife there. It was so nice to have a few hours alone with the woman I love and respect who is protecting our daughter and grandsons.
Daddy had the 4 boys for the day and brought them back about 5:00. The second he saw me a scowl went across his face. I decided to be nice and asked, "How's it going today?" With that he slammed the McDonald's bag full of air and scared the mess out of the boys. He walked off and within a few minutes was leaving muttering. He then, with the most hateful voice said, "I hope you enjoy MY house / MY TV," and slammed the door on his way out. Had he not had his mommas car instead of his hot dog Mustang, I am sure rubber would have squalled for 1/4 mile! Hate was in the air and the boys were terrified.
A little later when they were snuggling and talking the truth came out: their daddy had spent the day saying all kinds of hateful things about my wife and I as his parents goaded him on in front of the boys. All it really did was make the boys evaluate even more who cared about them and what a loving home they were coming back to. We turned out the lights, popped popcorn, and had a good children's movie along with child talk and play until it was bed time.
In a way I am laughing myself to death over this: he had criticized behind our backs only to find both of us being nice to him when he brought the boys in. That was the real source of anger--he knows his family and him are mean and cruel---then he had to see 2 grandparents giving the children only love and control. How sad!
As I drove back home 1.5 hours yesterday I spent most of the journey in thought and prayer. I put in a call to my daughter's attorney and talked with his assistant. They were supposed to have the Separation Papers drawn already, but it hasn't yet happened. They have been paid in full. They advised Sara to be sweet and non-combative so he would be more prone to sign. The trouble is, no matter how nice we all are, he continues awful phone calls and messages with all the horrible female expletives of "b" / "w" / "s" / etc. accusing my daughter of an affair she never even thinks about. The secretary immediately called my daughter to see if more severe things should be done to further protect her. They care about this more than the money involved. This lawyer has been through divorce himself with a abusive wife!
Imagine this: the mother of 4 active boys who gets no help with their discipline or care outside a bag of fast food which makes them worse / a house which never gets all straight because he and his boys think clothes should just be thrown anywhere they take them off / a manager of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store at Christmas shopping time---and she is out chasing some man!!!! Give me a break. With his bad male behaviour and 4 boys copying him, the last thing she wants is another stupid male. She may never marry again.
I have counseled many women in this situation. To a person, they have all said, "The last thing I care about now is another stupid bully / idiot / self-centered man! If I never have to live with one again, it would be nice!"
Women have a great capacity for love and tolerance, far more than men. BUT there comes a time when they have been abused enough and all love ceases. They might feel sorry for the rascal, but there is no response to attempted hugs or kisses. He thought it was cute to take a picture of his "manhood" and show it to my daughter with an invitation to the marital bed. He might as well have poured a big bucket of cold water over her. It was TOTALLY gross!
The LAST THING she wants from him now is any touching or even being in the house or within sight of her or the boys. He has died as far as she is concerned because love has died. In this sense she has totally fulfilled her wedding vow: It says "til death do us part" and the death of love through abuse is as real as physical death--in many ways, if he went through with his empty threat to "kill himself," it would be kinder and more final. In fact when he said it in a follow up to his hateful recorded message she wisely told him, "Go ahead! Use a long knife or big gun so there will be no big hospital bills or debilitated person left behind to bother me any more!" It is all empty threat--I doubt this one has the guts---BUT NEVER SIT BACK THINKING THIS---he has enough crazy and anger to harm others, if not himself!
I back my daughter 100% on all this! For her sake and the boys this terror must end. Love and family living deserve much more. He is trying to pass on the sick upbringing he had, but my daughter, and us, are moving ahead to get his Demon Possessed personality to the Isolation Ward. Unless he chooses to change after 35 years, all he will do is spread the germs of "I can't love myself" in any relationship he makes.
If he killed himself today, he would be no more dead than with what he has done to love in 15 years of abuse! I pray for him an exorcism of his demon of not knowing what love is because he got only hate and abuse as he grew up.
My daddy always said, "You can't keep a bird from flying over your head, but you can surely keep him from nesting there."
This was in terms of his poorer than poor upbringing out of which he WORKED! He hitch-hiked to college, peeled potatoes and cut hair to get through, and then worked every day so his family would never experience the Depression era poverty he knew! I did yard work and trim carpentry to get through!
Anyone can grow up in difficult circumstances, but NO ONE has to stay there! If you stay there it is by choice and excuse rather than getting hold of your boot straps and pulling yourself up. Nowadays, race or poverty are somewhat an asset because every expensive tax-paid program is available should you be a minority / poor / uneducated / etc. Don't tell me "you can't help it" because my father and I have proven otherwise.
Just get off your pity pot and get on with life!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Payback is HELL -- divorce update
It is hard to believe a week has passed. I spent the night at my daughters, stayed with her sick twins for the day, had the middle boy come home early from school with my wife having to leave work and bring him. The oldest is the only one somewhat intact, but he has a terribly sullen attitude much like his father these days.
This morning my wife filled me in on yesterday--You're gonna love this!!!!
My daughter's abusive "5-year-old-in-a-man's-body" is now staying with his parents who created this monster with their crazy parenting techniques. He called my daughter to tell her to shut the air vents under the house and turn on a light you have to crawl to since a freeze was coming. Not that he is off right now and knows exactly what to do, but he has to keep his commands going!
Next he starts complaining about how he is being treated:
This morning my wife filled me in on yesterday--You're gonna love this!!!!
My daughter's abusive "5-year-old-in-a-man's-body" is now staying with his parents who created this monster with their crazy parenting techniques. He called my daughter to tell her to shut the air vents under the house and turn on a light you have to crawl to since a freeze was coming. Not that he is off right now and knows exactly what to do, but he has to keep his commands going!
Next he starts complaining about how he is being treated:
- Must be home at a certain time (early, even though he is 35)
- Must make his bed and wipe the shower door to leave it EXACTLY as momma dictates
- If he is 1 minute late to a meal the (usually chicken strips because momma hates to cook) plate will be in the microwave
- Answer all kinds of questions and listen to all kinds of stupid advice from meddling parents.
Payback---indeed it is HELL and this abuser deserves every bit of it!
He would get worse right now from an angry father who has just learned his daughter was grabbed by the hair and had a butcher knife placed to her throat in front of all the boys. He can thank God the separation is in progress and daddy does not have to intervene on that one.
My father, years ago, told me something very important: "When the Bible says, 'Vengeance is mine saith the Lord,' it means it!" I am eternally grateful to my father for pointing it out and telling stories of how it worked out for him. My Baptist preacher experiences have been exactly the same--I left the vengeance to God and it certainly was provided in ways I could never have planned nor predicted if I had taken vengeance into my own hands.
One quick example:
My second Senior Minister church had a group called "the clique" at its core. These people appeared to be faithful church members. They sang in the choir, taught SS, were elected Deacon and other positions. To the quick observer they seemed to be "righteous."
Once there and trying to work with them, I quickly discovered it was all a cover-up for backbiting, illicit affairs, making people with spiritual needs more sick instead of helping them to heal.
To make a long story short they corrupted 2 of my new staff members--literally physically with sexual antics corruption--to the point one had to be forced to resign and the other through his "other woman clique manipulator" ended up in a divorce / job loss / almost successful suicide place.
Guess who got fired as the Senior Minister----ME!!!!
I wanted to hurt several someones for how my wife and children got treated. Their actions were so threatening and hostile I took a friend and a .357 magnum with me after the vote to get things from my office. It may sound like a strange tale to you, but I had to live it.
You will never guess what happened to the "prime schemer" in this little story of having my career and family badly hurt. He had an elder son whose wife was expecting a baby. That young pregnant lady was the daughter of another participant in the "ousting of Gene event." In fact, he moderated the meeting when the church could have rejected my resignation, but the Moderator told them they could not do it because I had submitted it-----HOGWASH!!!
The beautiful child was born. Mommy and child were home alone in the first few days. She had put the baby to bed and decided to take a long warm soaking bath. Her husband came home within a few hours to find his beautiful wife and new mother drowned in her bath tub!
It sends chills down my spine!
Another participant in my pastoral slaughter had his beautiful beauty contestant type daughter in her early 20's fall off the back of a motorcycle into the path of an 18-wheeler which ran over her head! I'm not making any of this up. To a one those who meant evil for me paid a price as vengeance happened within the first year of my leaving!
Payback is HELL---usually it sets straight those awful things hurtful people have done to others who were just trying to do their job / get along / live and honest life.
If anyone chooses to take life in his own hands and exact vengeance, it turns into the kind of awful martyr bombing / plane hijacking / etc. stuff of recent years which has our soldiers by the thousands being exposed to vengeance bombing / roadside devices / etc.
Vengeance begets vengeance ad finitum!
When Jesus advocated returning good for evil / turn the other cheek reactions, he was offering a better way. Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. proved that what seems impossible can become so by peaceful protest as hard as it might be to endure the blows, dogs, water hoses, etc. from those presently in charge.
As Christmas approaches, we did get a present from above which gives us encouragement to believe that when God says, "Vengeance is mine," he means it and you can trust it. It is proven to me that my father was right!
Thanks, Dad, I will surely see you again one day. You just got there before I do.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Divorce Can Be Good
Divorce is at high levels in American society. I suspect there will be quite a bit more as the economy worsens. While some are saying we are turning around and it is getting over, I don't see it where I live.
Much of the little remaining optimism is covered by the fact Unemployment Benefits have just had another 90-day extension. You cannot imagine the jump in the workforce statistic of "unemployed," nor the people who would be in soup kitchen lines and living in tents, if that part of the picture were treated without extensions.
Unemployment Insurance if really a misnomer. True insurance spreads risk over all the holders of policies with a given company. With "Unemployment Insurance" each person getting it draws against what was paid in by his employer. When the funds run out, guess who gets the bill? The former employer!!!!! If government legislates extensions, they are only making a former employer pay for that extension.
Hey, dummy, the employer did not lay off the employee because he could afford to keep him/her! What will happen when the employer cannot pay the tab? As one tax enforcement officer told a struggling small business owner who is my fellow traveler in the struggle: "About 90% of businesses which go under, do so over tax issues." WOW!!!!!
Now to the real issue: DIVORCE.
America is at about a 50% level of marriages failing for years. One of my professors years ago asked the class: "Why is there such a high divorce rate these days?" There were many speculative responses, but none which were as accurate has his statement after the discussion.
His answer was: "We have so much divorce and so few good marriages BECAUSE so few children have grown up witnessing a good marriage!"
We think we can be clinical about life. Many children hate their parents' fighting and fussing and declare, "I will never do this when I get married!" But, like a moth to a flame, they marry a lovely person by falling in lust (everyone who marries has lust which should turn into love), live together in marriage for 1-2 years, and then recreate exactly what they witnessed as children!
I always asked couples coming to me for pre-marital counseling a simple question: "What do you think of you prospective In-Laws AND tell me the truth!" Most couched their answers in nice terms for the sake of keeping things good with their prospective mate. I'm not sure how many told me the absolute truth. Too many people lie to their minister/counselor!
Then I would explain why I asked the question: "Believe it or not, if you don't like your bride's mother, she will become more like her than you can imagine in a few years! The same is true if you don't like your husband's father!" Think long and hard on this until we meet again to discuss the meaning of the Wedding Ceremony and your vows to one another in the sight of God and those attending your wedding.
We have been fortunate with two children that there hasn't been a divorce----until 3 weeks ago! Our daughter called to tell us of the troubles she was having. It was bad enough that she has 4 boys ages 12-5. The "age 5" part comes in fraternal twins! Yep, they had 2 boys already and tried for that little girl----who turned out to be twin boys! You could have knocked all of us over with a feather as ultra-sound took a look into her womb.
What is the problem?
The bottom line is that our daughter married a seemingly nice young man who was raised in a terrible home. It was so bad his mother, when he was 3-5, often penned him to the floor and held him down while spitting and yelling in his face about how awful he was. It went on when a second child arrived and was treated as if he could do nothing wrong. My son-in-law was raised with the most awful abuse anyone could imagine.
His parents were the model of what not to be as a parent: abusive / non-loving / premarital pregnancy forcing them to wed / always focusing on "things" they could possess and gifts they could give without giving the most important gift of parents: a relationship of love and consistent guidance of that child's behaviour. It was so bad his grandmother did more than her share of positive child rearing. Then he would have to return to hell on earth with his parents. You might excuse his problems IF he were willing to work on them and do better. He has NOT!
Now my daughter, after 15 years of abuse, is seeing awful behaviour in her sons. They are disrespectful. Their language is awful and gets them in trouble at school. They have been kicked out of 2 daycares, mostly because their father cussed out the teachers. He thinks his boys saying 4-letter words and hurting each other in quarrels is "cute." My daughter is trying to raise, not just 4 active boys, but a grown child in addition who makes promises, but never follows through to make a long-term change.
Two years ago she showed up at our door with the boys and packed bags because she had found drugs hidden in the house: marijuana / cocaine. Her message to him at that time was "clean up your act or I won't be back nor will the children." He made promises, but in recent months he is smoking pot non-stop to hold down his demons. She even ignored it because it mellowed him so every night the monster did not walk through the door of the house. That monster has gotten larger and the nice guy can hardly be found. He even put a bruise on the middle child's arm which he showed to his teacher.
Social services visited. They pulled the children aside at school and quizzed them so they had to explain to fellow students why then had to talk with the lady. They interviewed in the home, but were not shown doors and walls dented by daddy's fist. They tried to put on a good image and explain the bruise as just a father jerking his son off a battery run motorcycle because he was going too fast and not doing what daddy said.
Now that my daughter has had enough, he checked into a drug rehab program--which he left after 4 days claiming he had gotten good enough to leave and they had given him pills to mellow him out--NOT. It was a bald-faced lie with smile on face. His mother called my daughter after having made the statement in the past that "I don't know how you have put up with him so long." This time she was encouraging my daughter to make amends because "after the children are gone you will have only each other."
That was the wrong question! My daughter began to think, "Do I want to put up with this worsening abusive rascal by myself for the rest of my life. I think not!!!!" Most women think more deeply than that childish man wants them to think. Out of her fogged mind, having been told she was a whore / slut / bad housekeeper / bad cook / bad (you name it), she only saw bad behaviour worsening with her boys under the influence--of, not drugs yet, but a father who does not know the meaning of love.
If you cannot love yourself, you can't love anyone else! How tragic.
We are supporting and encouraging now after 15 years of staying out of their business. Where my wife and I had listened to her "vent" and encouraged her to keep on trying, we now say, "It is time for the big bully to go." At this point we are finding out about horrible things which have been hidden for years or minimized.
Our daughter is a wise and determined lady who felt like she could handle her problems without constantly crying on her parents' shoulders. She told just enough to let us know she was unhappy. Had she told me that years ago he grabbed her by the hair in front of their children and held a knife to her throat, there would have been no need for this divorce. I would have cured or killed him with my bare hands or those of the law enforcement officers of our county!
NC has an automatic 48-hour incarceration of any abusing spouse law. Further, a Peace Warrant, can give serious jail time for one who violates the specified distance from the abused spouse. We may be lax on some crimes in NC, but this is not one!
The situation is so bad right now my wife is helping with the children as well as having present a second set of eyes bearing witness to whatever might happen should he return home. The most important thing is a second person who is loving and wise helping those boys calm down in their hell of inconsistent behaviour on the part of their father. What proves beyond a shadow of doubt that separation is needed for a year, probably to be followed with divorce, is the fact my wife witnessed the 12-year-old come in from a time with daddy this week to tell his mother she was a slut/whore! He got a serious talking to by Gam and he better be glad PaPa wasn't there!
I "abused" my son's posterior when he was about 4 for disrespecting his mother. I came in to find a ruckus going on in his bedroom with my wife over him laid on the bed trying to get her dog brush to his nerves running straight from the behind to the center of a child's brain. She was loosing to that squiggling and foot/hand flailing child. Daddy had no problem, with his strength, tickling that special nerve!
Before I gave him his lesson I stooped down to look him straight in his evil little eyes. I told him he was going to get a spanking he would remember for the rest of his life, AND if I ever saw it again what he got now was the T-I-P OF THE I-C-E-B-U-R-G (slowly and distinctly spoken so he knew I meant business) as to what it would be if I had to spank him again.
My son got the message which was applied until real tears came to the eyes of that hard-nosed rascal. His approach with momma was to take her licks without crying so it made her even madder and made her quit. A wise father does not quit until the job is done. After the lesson I let him lay his head on my shoulder hugging him until the tears quit flowing. I told him how much I loved him and how I wanted this never to happen again from here on out.
IT NEVER DID. Just like with my father, one jig danced at the end of his punishment tool was enough to make me promise I would never do it again (nor would I punish my child in such a way). All head strong children need someone to set them straight before the Juvenile Justice System has to try and deal with them. It is usually a failure because the child had gotten away with too much up to that time, and no one cared enough to straighten them out.
Head strong children, just like me, can almost guarantee they will have a head strong child. In fact, head strong people are the ones who endure frustration to conquer the challenges of life. As long as they don't become so successful as to ignore this own head strong offspring, there will be continuous generations of wise and resourceful people to keep this world going.
How many "successful" people do you know who don't have spoiled children who squander everything their parents made with bad behaviour / drugs / alcohol / abuse / even spending life in prison for murdering someone?
Much of the little remaining optimism is covered by the fact Unemployment Benefits have just had another 90-day extension. You cannot imagine the jump in the workforce statistic of "unemployed," nor the people who would be in soup kitchen lines and living in tents, if that part of the picture were treated without extensions.
Unemployment Insurance if really a misnomer. True insurance spreads risk over all the holders of policies with a given company. With "Unemployment Insurance" each person getting it draws against what was paid in by his employer. When the funds run out, guess who gets the bill? The former employer!!!!! If government legislates extensions, they are only making a former employer pay for that extension.
Hey, dummy, the employer did not lay off the employee because he could afford to keep him/her! What will happen when the employer cannot pay the tab? As one tax enforcement officer told a struggling small business owner who is my fellow traveler in the struggle: "About 90% of businesses which go under, do so over tax issues." WOW!!!!!
Now to the real issue: DIVORCE.
America is at about a 50% level of marriages failing for years. One of my professors years ago asked the class: "Why is there such a high divorce rate these days?" There were many speculative responses, but none which were as accurate has his statement after the discussion.
His answer was: "We have so much divorce and so few good marriages BECAUSE so few children have grown up witnessing a good marriage!"
We think we can be clinical about life. Many children hate their parents' fighting and fussing and declare, "I will never do this when I get married!" But, like a moth to a flame, they marry a lovely person by falling in lust (everyone who marries has lust which should turn into love), live together in marriage for 1-2 years, and then recreate exactly what they witnessed as children!
I always asked couples coming to me for pre-marital counseling a simple question: "What do you think of you prospective In-Laws AND tell me the truth!" Most couched their answers in nice terms for the sake of keeping things good with their prospective mate. I'm not sure how many told me the absolute truth. Too many people lie to their minister/counselor!
Then I would explain why I asked the question: "Believe it or not, if you don't like your bride's mother, she will become more like her than you can imagine in a few years! The same is true if you don't like your husband's father!" Think long and hard on this until we meet again to discuss the meaning of the Wedding Ceremony and your vows to one another in the sight of God and those attending your wedding.
We have been fortunate with two children that there hasn't been a divorce----until 3 weeks ago! Our daughter called to tell us of the troubles she was having. It was bad enough that she has 4 boys ages 12-5. The "age 5" part comes in fraternal twins! Yep, they had 2 boys already and tried for that little girl----who turned out to be twin boys! You could have knocked all of us over with a feather as ultra-sound took a look into her womb.
What is the problem?
The bottom line is that our daughter married a seemingly nice young man who was raised in a terrible home. It was so bad his mother, when he was 3-5, often penned him to the floor and held him down while spitting and yelling in his face about how awful he was. It went on when a second child arrived and was treated as if he could do nothing wrong. My son-in-law was raised with the most awful abuse anyone could imagine.
His parents were the model of what not to be as a parent: abusive / non-loving / premarital pregnancy forcing them to wed / always focusing on "things" they could possess and gifts they could give without giving the most important gift of parents: a relationship of love and consistent guidance of that child's behaviour. It was so bad his grandmother did more than her share of positive child rearing. Then he would have to return to hell on earth with his parents. You might excuse his problems IF he were willing to work on them and do better. He has NOT!
Now my daughter, after 15 years of abuse, is seeing awful behaviour in her sons. They are disrespectful. Their language is awful and gets them in trouble at school. They have been kicked out of 2 daycares, mostly because their father cussed out the teachers. He thinks his boys saying 4-letter words and hurting each other in quarrels is "cute." My daughter is trying to raise, not just 4 active boys, but a grown child in addition who makes promises, but never follows through to make a long-term change.
Two years ago she showed up at our door with the boys and packed bags because she had found drugs hidden in the house: marijuana / cocaine. Her message to him at that time was "clean up your act or I won't be back nor will the children." He made promises, but in recent months he is smoking pot non-stop to hold down his demons. She even ignored it because it mellowed him so every night the monster did not walk through the door of the house. That monster has gotten larger and the nice guy can hardly be found. He even put a bruise on the middle child's arm which he showed to his teacher.
Social services visited. They pulled the children aside at school and quizzed them so they had to explain to fellow students why then had to talk with the lady. They interviewed in the home, but were not shown doors and walls dented by daddy's fist. They tried to put on a good image and explain the bruise as just a father jerking his son off a battery run motorcycle because he was going too fast and not doing what daddy said.
Now that my daughter has had enough, he checked into a drug rehab program--which he left after 4 days claiming he had gotten good enough to leave and they had given him pills to mellow him out--NOT. It was a bald-faced lie with smile on face. His mother called my daughter after having made the statement in the past that "I don't know how you have put up with him so long." This time she was encouraging my daughter to make amends because "after the children are gone you will have only each other."
That was the wrong question! My daughter began to think, "Do I want to put up with this worsening abusive rascal by myself for the rest of my life. I think not!!!!" Most women think more deeply than that childish man wants them to think. Out of her fogged mind, having been told she was a whore / slut / bad housekeeper / bad cook / bad (you name it), she only saw bad behaviour worsening with her boys under the influence--of, not drugs yet, but a father who does not know the meaning of love.
If you cannot love yourself, you can't love anyone else! How tragic.
We are supporting and encouraging now after 15 years of staying out of their business. Where my wife and I had listened to her "vent" and encouraged her to keep on trying, we now say, "It is time for the big bully to go." At this point we are finding out about horrible things which have been hidden for years or minimized.
Our daughter is a wise and determined lady who felt like she could handle her problems without constantly crying on her parents' shoulders. She told just enough to let us know she was unhappy. Had she told me that years ago he grabbed her by the hair in front of their children and held a knife to her throat, there would have been no need for this divorce. I would have cured or killed him with my bare hands or those of the law enforcement officers of our county!
NC has an automatic 48-hour incarceration of any abusing spouse law. Further, a Peace Warrant, can give serious jail time for one who violates the specified distance from the abused spouse. We may be lax on some crimes in NC, but this is not one!
The situation is so bad right now my wife is helping with the children as well as having present a second set of eyes bearing witness to whatever might happen should he return home. The most important thing is a second person who is loving and wise helping those boys calm down in their hell of inconsistent behaviour on the part of their father. What proves beyond a shadow of doubt that separation is needed for a year, probably to be followed with divorce, is the fact my wife witnessed the 12-year-old come in from a time with daddy this week to tell his mother she was a slut/whore! He got a serious talking to by Gam and he better be glad PaPa wasn't there!
I "abused" my son's posterior when he was about 4 for disrespecting his mother. I came in to find a ruckus going on in his bedroom with my wife over him laid on the bed trying to get her dog brush to his nerves running straight from the behind to the center of a child's brain. She was loosing to that squiggling and foot/hand flailing child. Daddy had no problem, with his strength, tickling that special nerve!
Before I gave him his lesson I stooped down to look him straight in his evil little eyes. I told him he was going to get a spanking he would remember for the rest of his life, AND if I ever saw it again what he got now was the T-I-P OF THE I-C-E-B-U-R-G (slowly and distinctly spoken so he knew I meant business) as to what it would be if I had to spank him again.
My son got the message which was applied until real tears came to the eyes of that hard-nosed rascal. His approach with momma was to take her licks without crying so it made her even madder and made her quit. A wise father does not quit until the job is done. After the lesson I let him lay his head on my shoulder hugging him until the tears quit flowing. I told him how much I loved him and how I wanted this never to happen again from here on out.
IT NEVER DID. Just like with my father, one jig danced at the end of his punishment tool was enough to make me promise I would never do it again (nor would I punish my child in such a way). All head strong children need someone to set them straight before the Juvenile Justice System has to try and deal with them. It is usually a failure because the child had gotten away with too much up to that time, and no one cared enough to straighten them out.
Head strong children, just like me, can almost guarantee they will have a head strong child. In fact, head strong people are the ones who endure frustration to conquer the challenges of life. As long as they don't become so successful as to ignore this own head strong offspring, there will be continuous generations of wise and resourceful people to keep this world going.
How many "successful" people do you know who don't have spoiled children who squander everything their parents made with bad behaviour / drugs / alcohol / abuse / even spending life in prison for murdering someone?
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