This legal system is interesting. Although my daughter has had Separation Papers drawn up for almost 3 months, they are not yet signed! He is refusing and going back and forth. There have been threats to sue her as an unfit mother. He now has a lawyer and tells him he is ready to sign one day and the next day it is "Hell NO!"
What a bunch of hooey! My daughter is still trapped in "shades of grey" land. She was easy as anyone could be on him in the first Separation Paper. Then he hired his lawyer with his momma in control to show her they were not going down easy. All this translates into a rising bunch of legal fees to the level of some $3,000 more after the initial $1,600 already paid.
There have been several court dates set for the Judge to decree to him what he won't sign. My daughter's lawyer says she might not get what she is asking should the Judge make the decisions. We are of the opinion that "1 lawyer in a town will starve to death--2 lawyers will both get rich!" The worst thing is how this mess is getting on our daughter's nerves.
We are telling her she has hired her lawyer and can tell him what she wants to do. She is planning to tell him they were on the docket earlier this week and he persuaded her not to go. The 2 lawyers could work things out "tomorrow." Tomorrow has come and gone for 3 days now. No agreement has been signed by him. Enough is enough!
We hope by commanding a firm court date with no more backing off, the Judge will give our struggling daughter relief from her emotional anguish. He husband has not come to get the boys at all over some 2 months. The Separation Agreement allows him to have them for a weekend every other week. This situation just keeps our daughter held hostage on weekends because there is no father relief. That's not fair and tells more about his relationship to his boys than anything else. As in the past 12 years since the first child arrived, fathering has been minimal.
Let this serve as a warning that Lawyers promise the moon, deliver dirt, and charge you $200 per hour regardless of what happens. It's all about "billable hours." You are the employer of the Lawyer and he must do what you tell him you want done. If he doesn't, you could sue him for unnecessary billing with no results! Or just refuse to pay for nothing. Either way, it is your money he is using up in what is being done.
With respect to the boys, things get continually better with some set-backs. One day they are angels, but at least once a week the demons come out. With the ever watchful eye of Social Services a good paddling could get you called in. Their take is that you should not use more than your hand on those tough backsides. My take is, until you see real tears in those hateful and self-centered eyes, you have not gotten the message across that you are the parent and they are the child.
We now have a home schooler couple who killed their child following the "Pearl System" of child training and teaching.
http://kerussocharis.blogspot.com/2010/02/when-child-training-leads-to-abuse-and.html
To make it simple, that system advocates beating children with a 1/4" PVC pipe until they bleed, if necessary. Their picture of properly trained children is a little ball of flesh never talking back and always doing exactly what the parent commands. This is crazy! No child comes into this world who is always submissive and obedient. The parent just has to be a little smarter and more patient so as to never descend into the child's world of chaos and manipulation.
For a crazy fundamentalist reason those parents failed to notice they were harming their child with such a beating. This is definitely a place where Social Services is needed. But, because of such craziness, they have decreed "nothing more than the hand." I dare any of them to be a successful parent--especially of a willful child--by using only the hand all the time!
What I am pointing out here is the disconnect of law and social services from the real world of a simple mother who lived with 15 years of abuse and is trying to resolve the distorted world of 4 boys by her side. She needs help in economical ways from her lawyer. She needs a more intelligent approach to child rearing than what is now in place.
Is society helpful or hurtful to those who are in distress these days? Do laws protect and bring justice to the one harmed--or serve as more protection to the criminal than the victim?
We have plenty of laws on the books. Whatever happened to common sense in their enforcement????
Gene,
ReplyDeletePlease don't fret over the non-visitation. Consider it a blessing. Even though a weekend with their dad would bring relief to your daughter, the relief would be very temporary, and the work of raising the boys would be made much more difficult.
After visitation with their dad, the boys would be more contemptuous of their mom, they would fight more, be more surly, and every other negative in the book.
They would be MUCH better off if YOU spent every other weekend with them. You will teach them respect for their mother, consideration of other people, the proper way to channel their agressive feelings, etc. They won't learn any of that from their dad. Visits with him will only create more problems and delay their development into decency.
A friend of mine has to share custody with her abuser. It is a nightmare. The children come home beligerent and difficult to handle. She prays for their dad to get out of their lives.
Another mother I know, raised her daughter with the help of her parents. She did not ask for child support because she knew her child's dad did not want to be responsible and that he was a jerk. She did not want his evil influence in her daughter's life. Her daughter seems to be a very respectful and decent teenager, (though normal, and with normal problems & attitudes, etc) and the mother is so thankful she did not involve that male in the child's life. Grandpa was the father-figure to the daughter.
Their story made me wish I had left my husband before my child was born so we could be completely free of his destrucive ways.
Help your daughter think outside the box. The more decent men your grandsons have for mentors and examples, the more likely they are to tone down. As of now, their primary idea of manhood is their dad. As they see more of you and more of other decent men, they will revise their idea of what it is to be a Real Man.
Although they may see other men at church and school, those men likely do not act much different from how their dad behaves in public settings. It is in getting closer acquainted to men in non-public settings, that they learn what Real Men are like.
Waneta Dawn
I am about to write a full update on things. In brief, we see improvements every week. I am there now that I have some work in the area. It is a joy to relate to my grandsons.
ReplyDeleteTheir favorite help for Pa Pa is to help me take off my boots at the end of a long day. I am offering for my oldest grandson to go on the job with me so he can help with man's work and drive the Bobcat a little.
My best childhood memories have to do with Grandaddy Williams' farm. It was liberating to roam the woods hunting squirrels and go fishing in my uncle's pond as well as help him with egg laying chickens, etc.
What a shame so few children get to see and participate in real work--as did most in farming days. It gives them a sense of worth and responsibility which has translated into some of the most noted leaders of industry and government these days.