There is no dramatic news in the last week, except that I miss my wife badly, but she is where she is needed!
My son-in-law has a lawyer now, but that is good. He is getting a clear message from his lawyer about how important it is to go ahead and sign the Separation Agreement and abide by the Protective Order.
The boys have good days and bad ones. When they are on a regular school schedule, things seem to go pretty well. On the weekends it is a constant time of fussing, fighting, and vying for attention.
My wife and daughter are trying their best not to use force on them. Standing in the corner is a pretty good punishment, but it often goes in one ear and out the other. Like typical children with too many computer games and not enough exercise the ecoing house becomes their playground and it had my wife almost in tears of frustration last weekend.
I advised her today to get them a big punching bag or mat and put it out in the garage. They can punch and karate kick to their heart's content witout injuring a brother. Children today are seeing too much violence in their cartoons and programs along with the little game computers--the names of which I can't keep up. They are all expensive and they think each one must have his own or it is an invitation to another fight.
When I was growing up and sharing a room with my brother, we knew to behave and seldom fight. That lesson was taught from early childhood and enforced with a switch if we didn't respect momma and daddy. When 2 more sisters came along we were in a small house, but we still had our chores and knew not to be rambunctuous inside the house. The furniture and beds were not play equipment!
I think a lot of this is too much money and too much personal possession to the point the lesson of sharing with one another never gets taught. It is one of the most important lessons of life! My conflicts with my siblings was good preparation in social skills when I grew up knowing how to be respecful of others.
I hate the "me first" attitude my grandsons have. Our other 2 grandchildren do not have this. Maybe it's because they are a boy and girl, but I think it is mostly from better child rearing practices by their parents.
It is what it is and there is progress so I am grateful. We hope they boys can get by with no more counseling or medication than the schools and Gam can provide. Right now, between work and the emotional distractions our daughter is close to insanity, herself, and could not get along without Lonya's help.
I just miss her badly!
"I grew up knowing how to be respecful of others"
ReplyDeleteGood for you. I'm sure you'd never use profanity (or its initials) in a blog. ;-)
"I hate the "me first" attitude my grandsons have. Our other 2 grandchildren do not have this."
ReplyDelete"I think a lot of this is too much money and too much personal possession to the point the lesson of sharing with one another never gets taught."
Gene,
I have to say I disagree with you on this one.
Domestic violence/abuse is the big culprit here. Their dad wasn't teaching them anything positive. In fact, he was teaching them through example to be 100% self-centered. His example also means the boys were not getting the positive parental attention they needed. To make matters worse, your daughter had to put lots of time and energy into fighting her husband for the good of the family. A lot of times she likely had very little energy for her sons, because she had to focus on battling her husband for survival of the family.
The many games may actually have kept your boys from being so aware of the big hole in their hearts while Mom was busy dealing with Dad, who was busy serving himself.
Research says that domestic violence has a negative effect on children's grades in school. It interferes with brain function.
Indeed, when I was going to college, it was so difficult to set aside the ugly things my husband had just done, and to focus on the subject matter I was supposed to be learning. When my husband was home and interupted me when I was studying, or refused to keep our daughter occupied so that she would not demand my attention, I had to make the supreme effort all over again to set aside whatever ugliness he had brought into the day, and to instead focus on school work.
If I as an adult had that problem, it is very likely your grandsons are doing whatever they can to deal with the hurt their dad dishes out.
As things calm down and they are not constantly influenced by their dad, those boys may be able to learn the necessary values of life. Be forewarned: it may take awhile. If I recall, divorce effects boys negatively immediately, while girls often don't experience the full effect until they reach their later teens and into adulthood. I do not know if the study took abuse into account. many of those studies did not.
I would guess in the case of abuse, the boys may really "go wild" for awhile, because it is now safe to do so. But as they feel more secure because the abuser is not constantly harrassing them, they will calm down. Their brains will clear, and their sweetness will become apparent.
Just hang in there. This too will pass.
I'm praying for you all.
~Waneta