A night spent at my daughter's house

Sunday was interesting. I needed to get the Bobcat to Rocky Mount and pick up wood for another man who had cut some trees. My situation is so desperate, I am willing to just pick up wood for it's value. A full trailer load of good logs which are turned into plywood could bring me $200. That is the maximum any load will bring, but something is better than nothing.

I had planned to do this Monday, but bad weather was coming so I upped it a day---to find the rascal had let someone else have the wood without telling me he had changed his mind. What a pile of--I'll just say sorry pulp wood which brings about as much as cow manure!

So I went on to my daughter's house to find only my wife there. It was so nice to have a few hours alone with the woman I love and respect who is protecting our daughter and grandsons.

Daddy had the 4 boys for the day and brought them back about 5:00. The second he saw me a scowl went across his face. I decided to be nice and asked, "How's it going today?" With that he slammed the McDonald's bag full of air and scared the mess out of the boys. He walked off and within a few minutes was leaving muttering. He then, with the most hateful voice said, "I hope you enjoy MY house / MY TV," and slammed the door on his way out. Had he not had his mommas car instead of his hot dog Mustang, I am sure rubber would have squalled for 1/4 mile! Hate was in the air and the boys were terrified.

A little later when they were snuggling and talking the truth came out: their daddy had spent the day saying all kinds of hateful things about my wife and I as his parents goaded him on in front of the boys. All it really did was make the boys evaluate even more who cared about them and what a loving home they were coming back to. We turned out the lights, popped popcorn, and had a good children's movie along with child talk and play until it was bed time.

In a way I am laughing myself to death over this: he had criticized behind our backs only to find both of us being nice to him when he brought the boys in. That was the real source of anger--he knows his family and him are mean and cruel---then he had to see 2 grandparents giving the children only love and control. How sad!

As I drove back home 1.5 hours yesterday I spent most of the journey in thought and prayer. I put in a call to my daughter's attorney and talked with his assistant. They were supposed to have the Separation Papers drawn already, but it hasn't yet happened. They have been paid in full. They advised Sara to be sweet and non-combative so he would be more prone to sign. The trouble is, no matter how nice we all are, he continues awful phone calls and messages with all the horrible female expletives of "b" / "w" / "s" / etc. accusing my daughter of an affair she never even thinks about. The secretary immediately called my daughter to see if more severe things should be done to further protect her. They care about this more than the money involved. This lawyer has been through divorce himself with a abusive wife!

Imagine this: the mother of 4 active boys who gets no help with their discipline or care outside a bag of fast food which makes them worse / a house which never gets all straight because he and his boys think clothes should just be thrown anywhere they take them off / a manager of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store at Christmas shopping time---and she is out chasing some man!!!! Give me a break. With his bad male behaviour and 4 boys copying him, the last thing she wants is another stupid male. She may never marry again.

I have counseled many women in this situation. To a person, they have all said, "The last thing I care about now is another stupid bully / idiot / self-centered man! If I never have to live with one again, it would be nice!"

Women have a great capacity for love and tolerance, far more than men. BUT there comes a time when they have been abused enough and all love ceases. They might feel sorry for the rascal, but there is no response to attempted hugs or kisses. He thought it was cute to take a picture of his "manhood" and show it to my daughter with an invitation to the marital bed. He might as well have poured a big bucket of cold water over her. It was TOTALLY gross!

The LAST THING she wants from him now is any touching or even being in the house or within sight of her or the boys. He has died as far as she is concerned because love has died. In this sense she has totally fulfilled her wedding vow: It says "til death do us part" and the death of love through abuse is as real as physical death--in many ways, if he went through with his empty threat to "kill himself," it would be kinder and more final. In fact when he said it in a follow up to his hateful recorded message she wisely told him, "Go ahead! Use a long knife or big gun so there will be no big hospital bills or debilitated person left behind to bother me any more!" It is all empty threat--I doubt this one has the guts---BUT NEVER SIT BACK THINKING THIS---he has enough crazy and anger to harm others, if not himself!

I back my daughter 100% on all this! For her sake and the boys this terror must end. Love and family living deserve much more. He is trying to pass on the sick upbringing he had, but my daughter, and us, are moving ahead to get his Demon Possessed personality to the Isolation Ward. Unless he chooses to change after 35 years, all he will do is spread the germs of "I can't love myself" in any relationship he makes.

If he killed himself today, he would be no more dead than with what he has done to love in 15 years of abuse! I pray for him an exorcism of his demon of not knowing what love is because he got only hate and abuse as he grew up.

My daddy always said, "You can't keep a bird from flying over your head, but you can surely keep him from nesting there."

This was in terms of his poorer than poor upbringing out of which he WORKED! He hitch-hiked to college, peeled potatoes and cut hair to get through, and then worked every day so his family would never experience the Depression era poverty he knew! I did yard work and trim carpentry to get through!

Anyone can grow up in difficult circumstances, but NO ONE has to stay there! If you stay there it is by choice and excuse rather than getting hold of your boot straps and pulling yourself up. Nowadays, race or poverty are somewhat an asset because every expensive tax-paid program is available should you be a minority / poor / uneducated / etc. Don't tell me "you can't help it" because my father and I have proven otherwise.

Just get off your pity pot and get on with life!

Divorce Can Be Good

Divorce is at high levels in American society. I suspect there will be quite a bit more as the economy worsens. While some are saying we are turning around and it is getting over, I don't see it where I live.

Much of the little remaining optimism is covered by the fact Unemployment Benefits have just had another 90-day extension. You cannot imagine the jump in the workforce statistic of "unemployed," nor the people who would be in soup kitchen lines and living in tents, if that part of the picture were treated without extensions.

Unemployment Insurance if really a misnomer. True insurance spreads risk over all the holders of policies with a given company. With "Unemployment Insurance" each person getting it draws against what was paid in by his employer. When the funds run out, guess who gets the bill? The former employer!!!!! If government legislates extensions, they are only making a former employer pay for that extension.

Hey, dummy, the employer did not lay off the employee because he could afford to keep him/her! What will happen when the employer cannot pay the tab? As one tax enforcement officer told a struggling small business owner who is my fellow traveler in the struggle: "About 90% of businesses which go under, do so over tax issues." WOW!!!!!

Now to the real issue: DIVORCE.

America is at about a 50% level of marriages failing for years. One of my professors years ago asked the class: "Why is there such a high divorce rate these days?" There were many speculative responses, but none which were as accurate has his statement after the discussion.

His answer was: "We have so much divorce and so few good marriages BECAUSE so few children have grown up witnessing a good marriage!"

We think we can be clinical about life. Many children hate their parents' fighting and fussing and declare, "I will never do this when I get married!" But, like a moth to a flame, they marry a lovely person by falling in lust (everyone who marries has lust which should turn into love), live together in marriage for 1-2 years, and then recreate exactly what they witnessed as children!

I always asked couples coming to me for pre-marital counseling a simple question: "What do you think of you prospective In-Laws AND tell me the truth!" Most couched their answers in nice terms for the sake of keeping things good with their prospective mate. I'm not sure how many told me the absolute truth. Too many people lie to their minister/counselor!

Then I would explain why I asked the question: "Believe it or not, if you don't like your bride's mother, she will become more like her than you can imagine in a few years! The same is true if you don't like your husband's father!" Think long and hard on this until we meet again to discuss the meaning of the Wedding Ceremony and your vows to one another in the sight of God and those attending your wedding.

We have been fortunate with two children that there hasn't been a divorce----until 3 weeks ago! Our daughter called to tell us of the troubles she was having. It was bad enough that she has 4 boys ages 12-5. The "age 5" part comes in fraternal twins! Yep, they had 2 boys already and tried for that little girl----who turned out to be twin boys! You could have knocked all of us over with a feather as ultra-sound took a look into her womb.

What is the problem?

The bottom line is that our daughter married a seemingly nice young man who was raised in a terrible home. It was so bad his mother, when he was 3-5, often penned him to the floor and held him down while spitting and yelling in his face about how awful he was. It went on when a second child arrived and was treated as if he could do nothing wrong. My son-in-law was raised with the most awful abuse anyone could imagine.

His parents were the model of what not to be as a parent: abusive / non-loving / premarital pregnancy forcing them to wed / always focusing on "things" they could possess and gifts they could give without giving the most important gift of parents: a relationship of love and consistent guidance of that child's behaviour. It was so bad his grandmother did more than her share of positive child rearing. Then he would have to return to hell on earth with his parents. You might excuse his problems IF he were willing to work on them and do better. He has NOT!

Now my daughter, after 15 years of abuse, is seeing awful behaviour in her sons. They are disrespectful. Their language is awful and gets them in trouble at school. They have been kicked out of 2 daycares, mostly because their father cussed out the teachers. He thinks his boys saying 4-letter words and hurting each other in quarrels is "cute." My daughter is trying to raise, not just 4 active boys, but a grown child in addition who makes promises, but never follows through to make a long-term change.

Two years ago she showed up at our door with the boys and packed bags because she had found drugs hidden in the house: marijuana / cocaine. Her message to him at that time was "clean up your act or I won't be back nor will the children." He made promises, but in recent months he is smoking pot non-stop to hold down his demons. She even ignored it because it mellowed him so every night the monster did not walk through the door of the house. That monster has gotten larger and the nice guy can hardly be found. He even put a bruise on the middle child's arm which he showed to his teacher.

Social services visited. They pulled the children aside at school and quizzed them so they had to explain to fellow students why then had to talk with the lady. They interviewed in the home, but were not shown doors and walls dented by daddy's fist. They tried to put on a good image and explain the bruise as just a father jerking his son off a battery run motorcycle because he was going too fast and not doing what daddy said.

Now that my daughter has had enough, he checked into a drug rehab program--which he left after 4 days claiming he had gotten good enough to leave and they had given him pills to mellow him out--NOT. It was a bald-faced lie with smile on face. His mother called my daughter after having made the statement in the past that "I don't know how you have put up with him so long." This time she was encouraging my daughter to make amends because "after the children are gone you will have only each other."

That was the wrong question! My daughter began to think, "Do I want to put up with this worsening abusive rascal by myself for the rest of my life. I think not!!!!" Most women think more deeply than that childish man wants them to think. Out of her fogged mind, having been told she was a whore / slut / bad housekeeper / bad cook / bad (you name it), she only saw bad behaviour worsening with her boys under the influence--of, not drugs yet, but a father who does not know the meaning of love.

If you cannot love yourself, you can't love anyone else! How tragic.

We are supporting and encouraging now after 15 years of staying out of their business. Where my wife and I had listened to her "vent" and encouraged her to keep on trying, we now say, "It is time for the big bully to go." At this point we are finding out about horrible things which have been hidden for years or minimized.

Our daughter is a wise and determined lady who felt like she could handle her problems without constantly crying on her parents' shoulders. She told just enough to let us know she was unhappy. Had she told me that years ago he grabbed her by the hair in front of their children and held a knife to her throat, there would have been no need for this divorce. I would have cured or killed him with my bare hands or those of the law enforcement officers of our county!

NC has an automatic 48-hour incarceration of any abusing spouse law. Further, a Peace Warrant, can give serious jail time for one who violates the specified distance from the abused spouse. We may be lax on some crimes in NC, but this is not one!

The situation is so bad right now my wife is helping with the children as well as having present a second set of eyes bearing witness to whatever might happen should he return home. The most important thing is a second person who is loving and wise helping those boys calm down in their hell of inconsistent behaviour on the part of their father. What proves beyond a shadow of doubt that separation is needed for a year, probably to be followed with divorce, is the fact my wife witnessed the 12-year-old come in from a time with daddy this week to tell his mother she was a slut/whore! He got a serious talking to by Gam and he better be glad PaPa wasn't there!

I "abused" my son's posterior when he was about 4 for disrespecting his mother. I came in to find a ruckus going on in his bedroom with my wife over him laid on the bed trying to get her dog brush to his nerves running straight from the behind to the center of a child's brain. She was loosing to that squiggling and foot/hand flailing child. Daddy had no problem, with his strength, tickling that special nerve!

Before I gave him his lesson I stooped down to look him straight in his evil little eyes. I told him he was going to get a spanking he would remember for the rest of his life, AND if I ever saw it again what he got now was the T-I-P OF THE I-C-E-B-U-R-G (slowly and distinctly spoken so he knew I meant business) as to what it would be if I had to spank him again.

My son got the message which was applied until real tears came to the eyes of that hard-nosed rascal. His approach with momma was to take her licks without crying so it made her even madder and made her quit. A wise father does not quit until the job is done. After the lesson I let him lay his head on my shoulder hugging him until the tears quit flowing. I told him how much I loved him and how I wanted this never to happen again from here on out.

IT NEVER DID. Just like with my father, one jig danced at the end of his punishment tool was enough to make me promise I would never do it again (nor would I punish my child in such a way). All head strong children need someone to set them straight before the Juvenile Justice System has to try and deal with them. It is usually a failure because the child had gotten away with too much up to that time, and no one cared enough to straighten them out.

Head strong children, just like me, can almost guarantee they will have a head strong child. In fact, head strong people are the ones who endure frustration to conquer the challenges of life. As long as they don't become so successful as to ignore this own head strong offspring, there will be continuous generations of wise and resourceful people to keep this world going.

How many "successful" people do you know who don't have spoiled children who squander everything their parents made with bad behaviour / drugs / alcohol / abuse / even spending life in prison for murdering someone?