Sunday was interesting. I needed to get the Bobcat to Rocky Mount and pick up wood for another man who had cut some trees. My situation is so desperate, I am willing to just pick up wood for it's value. A full trailer load of good logs which are turned into plywood could bring me $200. That is the maximum any load will bring, but something is better than nothing.
I had planned to do this Monday, but bad weather was coming so I upped it a day---to find the rascal had let someone else have the wood without telling me he had changed his mind. What a pile of--I'll just say sorry pulp wood which brings about as much as cow manure!
So I went on to my daughter's house to find only my wife there. It was so nice to have a few hours alone with the woman I love and respect who is protecting our daughter and grandsons.
Daddy had the 4 boys for the day and brought them back about 5:00. The second he saw me a scowl went across his face. I decided to be nice and asked, "How's it going today?" With that he slammed the McDonald's bag full of air and scared the mess out of the boys. He walked off and within a few minutes was leaving muttering. He then, with the most hateful voice said, "I hope you enjoy MY house / MY TV," and slammed the door on his way out. Had he not had his mommas car instead of his hot dog Mustang, I am sure rubber would have squalled for 1/4 mile! Hate was in the air and the boys were terrified.
A little later when they were snuggling and talking the truth came out: their daddy had spent the day saying all kinds of hateful things about my wife and I as his parents goaded him on in front of the boys. All it really did was make the boys evaluate even more who cared about them and what a loving home they were coming back to. We turned out the lights, popped popcorn, and had a good children's movie along with child talk and play until it was bed time.
In a way I am laughing myself to death over this: he had criticized behind our backs only to find both of us being nice to him when he brought the boys in. That was the real source of anger--he knows his family and him are mean and cruel---then he had to see 2 grandparents giving the children only love and control. How sad!
As I drove back home 1.5 hours yesterday I spent most of the journey in thought and prayer. I put in a call to my daughter's attorney and talked with his assistant. They were supposed to have the Separation Papers drawn already, but it hasn't yet happened. They have been paid in full. They advised Sara to be sweet and non-combative so he would be more prone to sign. The trouble is, no matter how nice we all are, he continues awful phone calls and messages with all the horrible female expletives of "b" / "w" / "s" / etc. accusing my daughter of an affair she never even thinks about. The secretary immediately called my daughter to see if more severe things should be done to further protect her. They care about this more than the money involved. This lawyer has been through divorce himself with a abusive wife!
Imagine this: the mother of 4 active boys who gets no help with their discipline or care outside a bag of fast food which makes them worse / a house which never gets all straight because he and his boys think clothes should just be thrown anywhere they take them off / a manager of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store at Christmas shopping time---and she is out chasing some man!!!! Give me a break. With his bad male behaviour and 4 boys copying him, the last thing she wants is another stupid male. She may never marry again.
I have counseled many women in this situation. To a person, they have all said, "The last thing I care about now is another stupid bully / idiot / self-centered man! If I never have to live with one again, it would be nice!"
Women have a great capacity for love and tolerance, far more than men. BUT there comes a time when they have been abused enough and all love ceases. They might feel sorry for the rascal, but there is no response to attempted hugs or kisses. He thought it was cute to take a picture of his "manhood" and show it to my daughter with an invitation to the marital bed. He might as well have poured a big bucket of cold water over her. It was TOTALLY gross!
The LAST THING she wants from him now is any touching or even being in the house or within sight of her or the boys. He has died as far as she is concerned because love has died. In this sense she has totally fulfilled her wedding vow: It says "til death do us part" and the death of love through abuse is as real as physical death--in many ways, if he went through with his empty threat to "kill himself," it would be kinder and more final. In fact when he said it in a follow up to his hateful recorded message she wisely told him, "Go ahead! Use a long knife or big gun so there will be no big hospital bills or debilitated person left behind to bother me any more!" It is all empty threat--I doubt this one has the guts---BUT NEVER SIT BACK THINKING THIS---he has enough crazy and anger to harm others, if not himself!
I back my daughter 100% on all this! For her sake and the boys this terror must end. Love and family living deserve much more. He is trying to pass on the sick upbringing he had, but my daughter, and us, are moving ahead to get his Demon Possessed personality to the Isolation Ward. Unless he chooses to change after 35 years, all he will do is spread the germs of "I can't love myself" in any relationship he makes.
If he killed himself today, he would be no more dead than with what he has done to love in 15 years of abuse! I pray for him an exorcism of his demon of not knowing what love is because he got only hate and abuse as he grew up.
My daddy always said, "You can't keep a bird from flying over your head, but you can surely keep him from nesting there."
This was in terms of his poorer than poor upbringing out of which he WORKED! He hitch-hiked to college, peeled potatoes and cut hair to get through, and then worked every day so his family would never experience the Depression era poverty he knew! I did yard work and trim carpentry to get through!
Anyone can grow up in difficult circumstances, but NO ONE has to stay there! If you stay there it is by choice and excuse rather than getting hold of your boot straps and pulling yourself up. Nowadays, race or poverty are somewhat an asset because every expensive tax-paid program is available should you be a minority / poor / uneducated / etc. Don't tell me "you can't help it" because my father and I have proven otherwise.
Just get off your pity pot and get on with life!
What a sad situation. You and your wife are what your daughter and grandchildren need: constant, consistent love and transparent care.
ReplyDeleteMan, Gene! I'm adding your daughter and family to my prayer list. I would not understimate the power of anger and rage. I've seen some devestating things happen by men with unpredictable behavior like this. I will pray for her safety and the health and welfare of the boys! They have also been abused and objectified, a horrible thing that will take a lifetime for them to work through!
ReplyDeleteSteve
QUOTE: he continues awful phone calls and messages with all the horrible female expletives of "b" / "w" / "s" / etc. accusing my daughter of an affair she never even thinks about.ENDQUOTE
ReplyDeleteMy husband did that to me. At the time someone said to me "I hate to tell you this, but those kind of accusations are usually projection- ie. they reflect more upon what is going on in his own heart and life than being about his wife"
Turned out he was dead right. My husband- who was accusing me of having a boyfriend- was carrying on a secret affair. He too was very cruel and abusive during that time period.
May your daughter find her strength and value in Christ and find healing from the hurt she must feel.
I feel so humbled by the prayer support I am shedding tears right now!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is becoming a more evil world every day and only the power of God begged by us in prayer can begin to help us conquer it!
Gem--you are totally right about the finger pointed at my daughter by her husband---4 are pointed back at his heart which is corrupt. As a psychology major with counselor training this is called "Projection." In other words whatever is in the heart is "projected" at someone else to keep the guilt from the heart of the one accusing.
In reality, I am seeing Satan himself ruling the heart and mind of a man who could do better, if he chose. Anyone who does not believe in Satan should be a fly on the wall when he is trying to destroy the ego of a beautiful, caring, believing godly woman who just wants to be a good mother, wife, manager of her store.
Yesterday I called his name and prayed for God, himself, through Christ, to remove the demon and protect my wife, daughter, and grandsons. I prayed, believing, and I encourage you to do the same!!!
I believe God answers prayers from those of us with true faith!
Hi, Gene.
ReplyDeleteI finally got over here long enough to leave a post.
Yesterday I started one, but because I'm at work, I'm often interrupted, so I had to pull out and wait for another opportunity.
First of all, I'm going to say the obvious.
No human being should have to go through the garbage your daughter is dealing with.
She is so blessed to have you and your wife for support. Great job! Keep doing what you are doing! Just as I mentioned on Waneta's site, you are displaying a true, godly, father's heart toward your daughter. And even though you and yours are going through hell, your attitudes and actions are a blessing.
May all the women who have gone through similar yet not had that support come here and be encouraged by what they see in you.
I have more to say but am going to start another post in case I get interrupted again, than at least you have this much that I wanted to say.
There is a support site for women leaving patriarchy and the quiverfull movement. I don't know if you are familiar with either of these, but they are heavy on submission teaching among other things.
ReplyDeleteI no longer go there much anymore because even though the moderator has tried to keep it from this, it is becoming more and more hostile to Christians.
Anyway, early on, I read a post from one of the friendlier atheists who used to be a Christian.
She describe the horrible psychological, emotional, and physical abuses she experiences from her former spouse and how the church turned a blind eye.
She related what it was like going to a church meeting where a former prisoner of war was speaking. What she said really got my attention. It made me ill and gave me huge compassion toward her.
The longer she sat and listen to the POW recount the horrors of his time in a foreign prison and the praise and awe of the people listening, the angrier she got. He didn't experience any worse behavior from his prison guards than she did from her own husband.
But where this same church raised this POW up as a hero for what he suffered (not saying they shouldn't) when it came to her, even though she experienced the same and worse from the hand and mouth of her own husband, she was not even acknowledged. And where this POW finally saw an end to his bad treatment, this woman, if she remained in her church and in her faith and listen to the 'wisdom' of her elders, had no chance of escape except in the event of a death, hers or her husbands.
And it's reading stories like this, Gene, that make me know something has to change.
And it makes me have to say something to men like you. Thanks for showing the rest of the church how it should be done.
We are losing women, intellegent but hurting women, because of the injustices taught by the men in charge.
Keep up the good work.
Keep us posted.
May God strengthen and undergird you and all yours so you can stay the course.
Bless you, bless you, bless you.
you are teaching your grandsons a valuable lesson - as much as you feel hatred toward their father, you react in their presence calmly and with love and patience. i had a couple of youth hang out in my office years ago when i was working for our youth pastor. these girls HATED their father for having affairs and for the hurt it caused their mother. they HATED his lifestyle once he left them. i remember telling them that as hard as it was to do, they should pray for him. didn't mean they had to like him and for sure they shouldn't deny their angry feelings for him, but they should continue to pray for him. they were only 12 and 14 at the time. they are now 20 and 22 and have a good relationship with their father - reconciled. of course, he wasn't abusive or as disgusting as your son-in-law. but the way he treats/handles his sons and the horrible things he says about you and your wife CONTRASTED with the way you handle the boys and the ways you are TEACHING and INSTRUCTING them about what is going on in their young lives is HUGE!
ReplyDeleteit won't be hard for them to choose LOVE over BITTERNESS and HATEFULNESS. you and your wife will continue to model Jesus for them - but because YOU are the strong male role model in their lives, you have the bigger task - doing what their father cannot/will not do. and it is obvious you are certainly up to it! prayers for strength, patience and an abundance of love!
I have a neighbor who is going through similar partings between his daughter and her husband. One of my best friends had his daughter given a black eye by her "beloved."
ReplyDeleteIn my neighbor's case he refuses to speak evil in front of his grandaughter--that is wise.
With my best friend, he took a young man to the guy's house, pulled him out by the vocal chords, and let his young friend beat the crap out of the abuser.
Both these approaches are appropriate, given their somewhat different circumstances. My wife and I are doing the best we can and changing our approach daily as the need arises.
At first our abusive grandsons, following their daddy's lead, got pants pulled down and little hinies swatted. After a few rounds of this we decided it was more wise to pull them aside to love them and assure them. There are still a few times the actions are so severe and filthy mouth so great a quick swat it needed. Anyone not realizing children need limits and the right kind of discipline is making the situation worse rather than better.
We are pleased with the calming of the last few days. Hopefully, the legal papers can be ready tomorrow and they will stipulate clearly some boundries of time, home visitation, any abuse by phone or otherwise, splitting of money and worldly goods. Living in the shades of grey is Hell, itself. Our daughter and grandsons need to know what to expect.
Sadly, the Son-In-Law has time off from work, went to 4 days of rehab, said they had released him, still relies (supposedly) on some medication for a more level approach to life. He has no clue that the solution will be found outside pills and inside his own heart and psyche.
I cannot say enough "thank you's" for all the prayers and thoughts from people I don't really know. Somehow, I hope more people might find truth here and help all of us put a stop to abuse of our wonderful and sweet daughters. We raised them in love and they deserve no less as they struggle to raise good children the way we raised them: to be good, kind, loving, trusting, etc.
God does not intend for any of his creation to live in Hell over mis-understood Bible verses.
Mara--
ReplyDeleteI cry as I read of your lady friend treated worse than a POW victim. Someone said, "The Christian army is the only one which shoots its wounded." They were exactly right!
I was a full time pastor for 16 years. Frankly, since I have done Insurance and now do tree surgery, I have found far more honesty and communication than I ever did in the Baptist church. This is so sad--where people should find the most help, they find the least.
The internet is now becoming a new church for me. In sharing our hurts and encouragement people who do not even see each other give the comfort and encouragement needed to get through another day.
The greatest regret is that I cannot give the hugs at the front door of the church to those of you who need them. Any minister worth his salt should be Christ to those who hurt.
I believe in a real living Jesus who gave comfort--especially to women who were so mistreated in his day as they are in ours. It is no wonder Martha and Mary loved him so. Also, I am amazed no one seems to notice it was brave women who first visited his tomb to find him alive and still loving and caring!!!
"He has died as far as she is concerned because love has died."
ReplyDeleteActually, the person she thought she knew is dead, but he has been replaced by a monster. So although he is dead, he is very much alive and threatening.
I have thought the very same things about the POW status of abused wives (or husbands). And the church doesn't want to hear about it.
The word picture I created to illustrate this:
My car has major engine problems, and I walk to Walmart, which is close by to call for help. While there, I run into someone from church. They are not interested in hearing that I need a ride, or that I don't have the funds to pay to repair my car. When they ask how I am, and I start to tell them "Not so good," they say, "That's great! and start telling me about the wonderful party they are having, keeping up a constant chatter until they take their many selections to the checkout. They leave me at the store wondering how I will find a ride home and how I will find the funds to pay for car repair.
In other words, I think the real problem is that they just don't want to deal with it. Domestic abuse and violence are just too painful for them to contemplate.
And then when they do mull it over, far too many of them attack the one who is already bleeding from abuse. They act like a bunch of chickens or hogs--attacking the wounds of the wounded until they bleed to death. As Mara pointed out:
"We are losing women, intellegent but hurting women, because of the injustices taught by the men in charge."
It is so sad! And many of these women think the abuse is God-ordained and so turn against God, the very One who wants to give them freedom from abuse.
~Waneta
Waneta--
ReplyDeleteYou have said a mouth full. I didn't realize how lucky my daughter is to have people who understand as a first line of support.
I feel the emptiness of what the church did to you in your situation. I and my family bled and was fired twice for just being honest and living the Gospel I preached. Few, if any cared--they were more interested in who the new preacher would be!
That's OK--I went on to other, better, more productive things.
They are still stuck in that Hell they call a church: looks pretty / has great sound system / organ / robed choir / nice carpet and padded seats / A-C-----all the things which keep them from seeing the hurting woman sitting beside them and wanting to tell more than God about the hidden hell behind the doors of her house where her husband pretends to be a church leader---and sings with majesty in the choir!!
God is not fooled. He does the comforting and judging I cannot do--but I am glad we got brought together in the hurt of our life with our daughter. You have an internet hug from one who understands more than you can imagine!