Our daughter and grandsons spent the week after July 4 with us at the river. It was the perfect time to look at them in detail and to take stock of where they are emotionally.
In sum: It is good!!!!!
Each of the boys is showing significant progress since November. They fuss and fight far less. There are times which all competitive children have. TC vs. Jack is a 12-year-old living in the same room as a 7-year-old. Jack wants to do everything TC does, but can't. TC enjoys getting him into a video game he can't handle and then blasting him to oblivion!
That normally generates a tirade of screams and tantrums, but not much this week!!! They played in their bedroom and went outside to learn new swimming and jumping tricks in the river.
We decided to back off on supervision and see what naturally came. Where they used to last 2-3 days until total boredom set in, they were in grief as the week ended. They didn't want to go home. We did not take them on any great sight-seeing trips this time. All the local places of interest have already been seen. They basically lived in a home environment displaced to the river.
They were in and out of the house. In the mornings, while it was still reasonably cool, there was yard running and pier jumping. None of them cares for fishing right now, but the fishing out in front of the cottage is minimal. Little bait-stealing croakers just make corks wiggle and bait disappear--to the despair of even an experienced fisherman.
When they got hot or tired they came into the house to play video games, color, or play with action figures. Amazingly, where last year they could care less they were in the walk way with toys, they kept things tidy. They did not sulk when you asked them to play away from tight walking areas. Their respect for others is growing as they learn they are respected by Momma, Gam, and Pa Pa. We tell them our expectations. We are consistent and use a swat of the behind when we are totally ignored. There was little or no screaming from boys or parents. What a joy!!!
The twins are now 5 and most interesting. Dillyn is his joyful and adventurous self. He learned to float, do handstands and flips in the water. He loves to climb the highest structure and jump with glee into the water.
Gavyn, the quiet one, has suddenly waked up. He is first out of bed. He wants to hang beside me and chatter-chatter-chatter with questions and observations. Instead of hanging back to a fault, he can now be encouraged to be a little adventurous.
One of the funniest scenes was Sara and Lonya sunning themselves and missing Gavyn. Instead of having a panic attack, they start searching for the little boy walking around with a tube around his middle. There he was--walking under the pier from the deck in waist deep water to the shore and back again. He had a smile instead of the usual scowl. He is holding back--not wanting to make a mistake--but he is engaging in delightful discussions of how he sees the world through 5-year-old eyes. Some of his "stuff" makes you roll on the floor in laughter. He is a riot!
Meanwhile back at home: Thomas is continuing his stalking mode. The weekend after Sara's return was his for the boys. His mother told the boys their father wasn't feeling well and to stay out of his closed door room. Through those hours he was texting Sara asking, "Why can't we get back together" / "I love you" / "I know what you look like naked" / etc.
It is a combination of "pity me" and verbal abuse. He has supposedly been to counseling. His company, according to him, sent him to Washington, DC, for some sort of anger management course. All of this "counseling" never results in change for more than a few days. In fact, there have been so many lies told that we can't be sure there has been any counseling at all. He claims to be taking medication--who knows. When I wrote the last sentence I spelled it "madication!" This is more accurate!
As my wife and daughter sat on the porch at her house during the evening, he pulled up in the company car. She went out to his blubbering, "Don't you love me?" / "NO!" "Can't we get back together?" / "We tried that and you never kept any promises--NO!". He ripped off with the squall of tires.
She has made up her mind to move away for peace and quiet. We think that would be wise. Every time he calls / texts / comes by it takes another bite into Sara's behind which is about chewed up. All he is doing is to drive her further away into anger. She has already told her boys she won't be coming to any birthday party at the other grandparents. When asked, "Why?," she calmly told them, "I have been called all kinds of ugly names and words so I don't care to ever see them again." The boys understood and never asked again.
The saddest part of all this is he could choose to do better and, with the help of intensive counseling, become the kind of person hiding behind the bully on the playground. However, with his parents serving as his cheering squad, there is absolutely no motivation from the source of his torment. It seems to be their way of proving to themselves that they were good parents. Just keep him like he is and blame his spouse for everything.
The real crazy thing about this is multiple times my daughter poured her heart out to his mother over how he needed help. She totally agreed / encouraged our daughter to tell her more / indicated perhaps they could help him together---TOTAL LIE!!!
It is a foregone conclusion at this point that the relationship is over. He is starting to make noises that he really doesn't want the boys and they are a lot of trouble to his parents. He threatens not to sign the divorce papers in November, but a check of NC law indicated that is not necessary since he signed the Separation Papers and Child Support agreements. He has made the agreements which cannot be changed without Sara's consent.
Meanwhile, we are restoring the abused house to a saleable condition. It will go on the market in a few weeks. Sara owns it outright as part of the Separation Agreement.
Pray that more peace may come into their lives. Pray that the sale will come quickly so she can get away from the car riding by and boys coming home with a fresh case of "potty mouth" every time they visit him and his parents. AND---pray for this tormented man who can't find the courage to get away from his tormenting parents and seek a quiet place of joy and peace. At this point he has nothing but agony and anguish which he continues to bring on himself! His threat as he screeched away was, "I'll just kill myself!" We don't think he has the courage to do it--just one more empty threat.
It's so gratifying to see our daughter and grandsons improve each week so that is our source of rejoicing in how God helps those who want to be helped.
Oh, by the way, Lonya is coming back home 2 nights a week and weekends. We are recovering our relationship strained by the agony and needs of our child and her boys. As Sara's genuine smile returns, I find her to be a beautiful as her mother.
Family never leaves you. You rejoice in the good times and bring comfort in the bad. No matter what, some sacrifice is involved---BUT IT IS WORTH EVERY DROP OF BLOOD SHED FOR THE ONES YOU LOVE!
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
June: Wedding Month / Recovery Month
It is almost Father's Day. My wife is asking what I want. I already got it!!!!
The last 2 weeks have seen my 4 grandsons returning to normalcy as well as our daughter! My wife is home this weekend with plans to come home at least two nights a week in the future. Her job of assistant mother / child counselor is showing great results! She is the finest mother / grandmother known to mankind.
Two weeks ago she came home during the week. She returned to find 4 boys glad to have her sleeping on the couch once more. They said as long as she was between the door and them, they could sleep without fear. Nothing had happened, and they knew one night without "Gam" could be had without anything happening. What a compliment to how they took seriously Gam's promise that as long as she was there nothing would happen to them or their mother.
Anyone foolish enough to mess with an old she bear protecting her progeny had better watch out! She is old and has lived her life. She is protective and as much as she cared for her own children, she is even more protective of them when grown with cubs. Never mess with an old she bear!!!
The process from November to the present has tried our nerves and deepened our souls. Like similar trials in the past, this adventure has not been pleasant, but it has affirmed our faith that good and dedicated people will ultimately win.
The boys are acting in a beautiful and normal way. They are no longer easily pursuaded that their mother is evil. When they return home from a visit with their father, they tell us in childlike honesty what went on.
Their Gam has told them they will get the truth from her and their mother, and then they can make up their own minds.
The emotional assaults on Sara do not end. She is getting calls and text messages asking why they can't get together again. Now she clearly states: "You wanted to kill me and my family the night we left. You had a chance to straighten things out and for 2 years you did nothing. It is too late for me to change my mind."
I'm proud of my women: Sara and Lonya. I'm equally proud of the boys and their new normalcy. I hope we move toward the future with good emotions and a determination to conquer whatever challenges life should bring.
No one knows, but we trust God to be our security.
The last 2 weeks have seen my 4 grandsons returning to normalcy as well as our daughter! My wife is home this weekend with plans to come home at least two nights a week in the future. Her job of assistant mother / child counselor is showing great results! She is the finest mother / grandmother known to mankind.
Two weeks ago she came home during the week. She returned to find 4 boys glad to have her sleeping on the couch once more. They said as long as she was between the door and them, they could sleep without fear. Nothing had happened, and they knew one night without "Gam" could be had without anything happening. What a compliment to how they took seriously Gam's promise that as long as she was there nothing would happen to them or their mother.
Anyone foolish enough to mess with an old she bear protecting her progeny had better watch out! She is old and has lived her life. She is protective and as much as she cared for her own children, she is even more protective of them when grown with cubs. Never mess with an old she bear!!!
The process from November to the present has tried our nerves and deepened our souls. Like similar trials in the past, this adventure has not been pleasant, but it has affirmed our faith that good and dedicated people will ultimately win.
The boys are acting in a beautiful and normal way. They are no longer easily pursuaded that their mother is evil. When they return home from a visit with their father, they tell us in childlike honesty what went on.
Their Gam has told them they will get the truth from her and their mother, and then they can make up their own minds.
The emotional assaults on Sara do not end. She is getting calls and text messages asking why they can't get together again. Now she clearly states: "You wanted to kill me and my family the night we left. You had a chance to straighten things out and for 2 years you did nothing. It is too late for me to change my mind."
I'm proud of my women: Sara and Lonya. I'm equally proud of the boys and their new normalcy. I hope we move toward the future with good emotions and a determination to conquer whatever challenges life should bring.
No one knows, but we trust God to be our security.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Things are moving along--slowly!
There is no dramatic news in the last week, except that I miss my wife badly, but she is where she is needed!
My son-in-law has a lawyer now, but that is good. He is getting a clear message from his lawyer about how important it is to go ahead and sign the Separation Agreement and abide by the Protective Order.
The boys have good days and bad ones. When they are on a regular school schedule, things seem to go pretty well. On the weekends it is a constant time of fussing, fighting, and vying for attention.
My wife and daughter are trying their best not to use force on them. Standing in the corner is a pretty good punishment, but it often goes in one ear and out the other. Like typical children with too many computer games and not enough exercise the ecoing house becomes their playground and it had my wife almost in tears of frustration last weekend.
I advised her today to get them a big punching bag or mat and put it out in the garage. They can punch and karate kick to their heart's content witout injuring a brother. Children today are seeing too much violence in their cartoons and programs along with the little game computers--the names of which I can't keep up. They are all expensive and they think each one must have his own or it is an invitation to another fight.
When I was growing up and sharing a room with my brother, we knew to behave and seldom fight. That lesson was taught from early childhood and enforced with a switch if we didn't respect momma and daddy. When 2 more sisters came along we were in a small house, but we still had our chores and knew not to be rambunctuous inside the house. The furniture and beds were not play equipment!
I think a lot of this is too much money and too much personal possession to the point the lesson of sharing with one another never gets taught. It is one of the most important lessons of life! My conflicts with my siblings was good preparation in social skills when I grew up knowing how to be respecful of others.
I hate the "me first" attitude my grandsons have. Our other 2 grandchildren do not have this. Maybe it's because they are a boy and girl, but I think it is mostly from better child rearing practices by their parents.
It is what it is and there is progress so I am grateful. We hope they boys can get by with no more counseling or medication than the schools and Gam can provide. Right now, between work and the emotional distractions our daughter is close to insanity, herself, and could not get along without Lonya's help.
I just miss her badly!
My son-in-law has a lawyer now, but that is good. He is getting a clear message from his lawyer about how important it is to go ahead and sign the Separation Agreement and abide by the Protective Order.
The boys have good days and bad ones. When they are on a regular school schedule, things seem to go pretty well. On the weekends it is a constant time of fussing, fighting, and vying for attention.
My wife and daughter are trying their best not to use force on them. Standing in the corner is a pretty good punishment, but it often goes in one ear and out the other. Like typical children with too many computer games and not enough exercise the ecoing house becomes their playground and it had my wife almost in tears of frustration last weekend.
I advised her today to get them a big punching bag or mat and put it out in the garage. They can punch and karate kick to their heart's content witout injuring a brother. Children today are seeing too much violence in their cartoons and programs along with the little game computers--the names of which I can't keep up. They are all expensive and they think each one must have his own or it is an invitation to another fight.
When I was growing up and sharing a room with my brother, we knew to behave and seldom fight. That lesson was taught from early childhood and enforced with a switch if we didn't respect momma and daddy. When 2 more sisters came along we were in a small house, but we still had our chores and knew not to be rambunctuous inside the house. The furniture and beds were not play equipment!
I think a lot of this is too much money and too much personal possession to the point the lesson of sharing with one another never gets taught. It is one of the most important lessons of life! My conflicts with my siblings was good preparation in social skills when I grew up knowing how to be respecful of others.
I hate the "me first" attitude my grandsons have. Our other 2 grandchildren do not have this. Maybe it's because they are a boy and girl, but I think it is mostly from better child rearing practices by their parents.
It is what it is and there is progress so I am grateful. We hope they boys can get by with no more counseling or medication than the schools and Gam can provide. Right now, between work and the emotional distractions our daughter is close to insanity, herself, and could not get along without Lonya's help.
I just miss her badly!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Where Is He Now???
Last night was interesting. The Deputies showed up after dark at my daughter's door to check on her. They had just been across the County to attempt service of the Protective Order to the "Bad Boy."
His parents claimed to them he was gone for the weekend. They could not go through the door to search for him. Those parents have already received a letter from my daughter's lawyer with a copy of the order enclosed. It cautions them from uttering derogatory comments about her or her parents.
We think he might be visiting his brother to lay low. His brother lives near Wilmington, a 2.5 hour drive away, but who knows. They have lied before for the bad boy they created in a home of hatred and criticism.
The sight of the Deputies did my daughter a world of good. She feels protected and cared for by our law enforcement. It is rare when officers, without being called and pushed, go ahead and do their job.
I asked my wife if they were the same men who came last week to make sure we left safely. She didn't know. I do know this: Those officers wanted so badly to have a signed and delivered Protective Order that night so they could put him in cuffs and give him what NC law provides for women in an abusive situation. They would not have done what they did, and driven some 20 miles to see my daughter face-to-face, had they not cared for what they do more than just getting a paycheck.
Nash County is blessed with officers who care. When we left under their protection they said, "We have more of these situations right now than you can imagine!"
The tight economy has everyone's nerves on edge. People who are in bad relationships can expect to be the punching bag for spouses who are more concerned about money than love.
How I wish he had been shown and taught love as he grew up. I am convinced he could be a different spouse to my daughter, and father to our grandsons.
His parents claimed to them he was gone for the weekend. They could not go through the door to search for him. Those parents have already received a letter from my daughter's lawyer with a copy of the order enclosed. It cautions them from uttering derogatory comments about her or her parents.
We think he might be visiting his brother to lay low. His brother lives near Wilmington, a 2.5 hour drive away, but who knows. They have lied before for the bad boy they created in a home of hatred and criticism.
The sight of the Deputies did my daughter a world of good. She feels protected and cared for by our law enforcement. It is rare when officers, without being called and pushed, go ahead and do their job.
I asked my wife if they were the same men who came last week to make sure we left safely. She didn't know. I do know this: Those officers wanted so badly to have a signed and delivered Protective Order that night so they could put him in cuffs and give him what NC law provides for women in an abusive situation. They would not have done what they did, and driven some 20 miles to see my daughter face-to-face, had they not cared for what they do more than just getting a paycheck.
Nash County is blessed with officers who care. When we left under their protection they said, "We have more of these situations right now than you can imagine!"
The tight economy has everyone's nerves on edge. People who are in bad relationships can expect to be the punching bag for spouses who are more concerned about money than love.
How I wish he had been shown and taught love as he grew up. I am convinced he could be a different spouse to my daughter, and father to our grandsons.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
It's Thursday and--he got out last night!
I just talked with my wife for an update on things with our daughter. I came home yesterday afternoon to the low temperatures by the Pamlico. We are looking for some snow overnight tonight. B-u-r-r-r-r!
The hospital called my daughter last night to inform her he had checked out--to whom and exactly where, we do not know. Sara had talked with him when he called sometime yesterday. He was chuckling that he had smashed the windshield of my truck and put a couple of good sized dents in it before having it towed. Additionally, he had trashed the inside and scattered papers, notes, and important things all over the floorboard. His only question was: "What did your dad say about his truck?"
There was not one dab of remorse or humanity showing. This tells my daughter the most important thing she needs to know: The man has not changed and checked out far too soon to have any real effect from whatever treatment he might have gotten.
It leads me to conclude that, at this point, we just have a slightly caged beast still trying to show "he is the man." NOT!!!!!
A friend asked Sara yesterday, "Do you want to risk him picking up any or all the boys and driving his car off a cliff to show you can't have them?" Is Sara ever thinking between that question and what he did to my truck.
Her answer is: "HELL NO!" She is just that mad and should be! The locks have been changed on the house. Her Protective Order has not yet been served. A letter has been sent to his parents along with the Order by Sara's lawyer. He should be served today if all goes well. Thereafter, any hostile calls, words, or actions will get him the cuffs and jail cell.
They are all asking why he is focusing his anger so much on me. I know the answer.
It is because I am the male figure in his wife's life who is protecting her and standing up, at long last, to him. If he wants to focus on me, it's OK. In fact, it is welcomed. I can take whatever he should choose to say. I am strong enough to defend myself if the Deputies are not present. He may try to get me, but he will get more than he bargained for. I may be old, but I deal with dangerous trees every day I work, and I always come up with ways to take them down without damage to myself or the customer's property.
Another source of his wrath is the fact every time he has come in and found the children there along with me, they are cuddled around me and being treated with love to which they are responding. Some weeks ago when I was there and the twins, age 5, were too sick to go to school, Sara asked if she should call their dad or would they be OK with Pa Pa. "Pa Pa!!!" was their cry and we had a great day together playing and snuggling. Do they ever need such treatment from a man they can trust. I also encourage some "boy things" Momma and Gam would never allow. God help any boy totally raised and controlled by a women. They don't quite know how to lighten up nor how to get really tough as needed, in my opinion--it's just my "man thang."
Well, we will see what today holds. Lonya will keep me posted and I do have enough fuel this time to make the 1.5 hour trip to my daughter's house, if necessary. Let's hope it will not be.
My job I was to do today has been put off by 2 weeks although I am despirate for any money I can make. The ice storm predicted 5 days ago is quickly degenerating to some light snow overnight tonight and east of I-95. Not exactly a crisis with downed trees everywhere----darn!!!
The hospital called my daughter last night to inform her he had checked out--to whom and exactly where, we do not know. Sara had talked with him when he called sometime yesterday. He was chuckling that he had smashed the windshield of my truck and put a couple of good sized dents in it before having it towed. Additionally, he had trashed the inside and scattered papers, notes, and important things all over the floorboard. His only question was: "What did your dad say about his truck?"
There was not one dab of remorse or humanity showing. This tells my daughter the most important thing she needs to know: The man has not changed and checked out far too soon to have any real effect from whatever treatment he might have gotten.
It leads me to conclude that, at this point, we just have a slightly caged beast still trying to show "he is the man." NOT!!!!!
A friend asked Sara yesterday, "Do you want to risk him picking up any or all the boys and driving his car off a cliff to show you can't have them?" Is Sara ever thinking between that question and what he did to my truck.
Her answer is: "HELL NO!" She is just that mad and should be! The locks have been changed on the house. Her Protective Order has not yet been served. A letter has been sent to his parents along with the Order by Sara's lawyer. He should be served today if all goes well. Thereafter, any hostile calls, words, or actions will get him the cuffs and jail cell.
They are all asking why he is focusing his anger so much on me. I know the answer.
It is because I am the male figure in his wife's life who is protecting her and standing up, at long last, to him. If he wants to focus on me, it's OK. In fact, it is welcomed. I can take whatever he should choose to say. I am strong enough to defend myself if the Deputies are not present. He may try to get me, but he will get more than he bargained for. I may be old, but I deal with dangerous trees every day I work, and I always come up with ways to take them down without damage to myself or the customer's property.
Another source of his wrath is the fact every time he has come in and found the children there along with me, they are cuddled around me and being treated with love to which they are responding. Some weeks ago when I was there and the twins, age 5, were too sick to go to school, Sara asked if she should call their dad or would they be OK with Pa Pa. "Pa Pa!!!" was their cry and we had a great day together playing and snuggling. Do they ever need such treatment from a man they can trust. I also encourage some "boy things" Momma and Gam would never allow. God help any boy totally raised and controlled by a women. They don't quite know how to lighten up nor how to get really tough as needed, in my opinion--it's just my "man thang."
Well, we will see what today holds. Lonya will keep me posted and I do have enough fuel this time to make the 1.5 hour trip to my daughter's house, if necessary. Let's hope it will not be.
My job I was to do today has been put off by 2 weeks although I am despirate for any money I can make. The ice storm predicted 5 days ago is quickly degenerating to some light snow overnight tonight and east of I-95. Not exactly a crisis with downed trees everywhere----darn!!!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
It's Friday, But Sunday's Coming!
Tony Compolo is one of the most inspiring preachers around these days. He is brim full of life's experiences and has a capacity for analysis and communication rarely Found among preachers. Some years ago, at Furman University, he spoke and rendered a sermon. You see, he is also the Associate Pastor in a large black church in addition to his duties at Easern University in Philadelphia.
It's Title I borrowed for this post. It is one of the most moving sermons on the Crucifixion and Easter I have ever heard. That title rings throughout as the preacher recounts every event of the Crucifixion from the carrying of the cross to nails, to a crown of thorns, to spear thrust into Jesus' side. The last description is that Jesus died---he then pauses---the audience is so caught up in the chant of "It's Friday" when he said it, we could not help but complete in loud unison: "BUT SUNDAY'S COMING!!!!!!"
This is how I felt as Sara packed everything, Gam got in the car last, I held the dog, and they pulled off for home. It was Friday, New Year's Day, and Sunday's coming! She is armed with an iron clad Protective Order. The first thing they did after cleaning up more in the house was to put the new locks on every outside door. Now it will take him at least 5 minutes to get in. If he has, by some chance, not been served the Protective Order and cons his way out of the hospital, the Deputies will be there to serve him so that the next time he makes a threatening phone call to any of us or steps on the property he gets cuffs and a jail cell--no if's, and's, or but's!
I just got off the phone to hear what happened with the boys last night. The oldest got invited to a friend's house to sleep overnight. The whole day back at the house was constant turmoil among the boys. Bad behaviour ruled. Finally, it was bed time.
The middle boy had already "hit the ceiling" over his brother leaving. He is his protector and comfort despite the rivalry. Lonya talked with him and decided they would sleep together so he would feel safe. When Sara put the twins down, they were fearful, but she told them all the locks were changed and only she and Gam had the key. Daddy could not get in. They went right to sleep. Jack twisted and turned and dreamed all night, but he did get a night's sleep with Gam by his side. They didn't even finish the wrestling match on TV he dearly loves before falling to sleep.
Sara is taking the boys to school Monday. She has decided to talk with the Principals so they know what the Protective Order reads and they have a copy handy should he make the mistake of showing up at school. He will immediately be arrested and each of our schools now has a Security Officer on campus--it is a sad commentary on what is going on at schools these days. Sara is also going to request the Guidance Counselors have some sessions with each boy. If that does not help we will get them to a good friend who is one of the finest Psychologists in our town. We used to be neighbors so he knows us. We are blessed.
I will get further reports during today and decide whether to go there tonight or tomorrow. I just don't want to miss my GT Yellow Jackets next Tuesday at the Orange Bowl, but that is a secondary concern. There are always replays should I miss it.
My truck he had towed from his house cost my daughter better than $200 down the rat hole. It is at a friend's garage so I can replace the burned out starter. I have a job in the area scheduled for next Thursday. It's not big, but it is a little money because we are down to our last $20 between us and Lonya does not get paid until the end of next week. God has taken care of us using us, a good lawyer, a judge with compassion and common sense, and one of the finest Sheriff's Offices in the state. As the Sheriff said when I called to thank him: "My Deputies make me look good and I am glad to have them."
"It's Friday Night ......BUT SUNDAY'S COMING!!!!!"
It's Title I borrowed for this post. It is one of the most moving sermons on the Crucifixion and Easter I have ever heard. That title rings throughout as the preacher recounts every event of the Crucifixion from the carrying of the cross to nails, to a crown of thorns, to spear thrust into Jesus' side. The last description is that Jesus died---he then pauses---the audience is so caught up in the chant of "It's Friday" when he said it, we could not help but complete in loud unison: "BUT SUNDAY'S COMING!!!!!!"
This is how I felt as Sara packed everything, Gam got in the car last, I held the dog, and they pulled off for home. It was Friday, New Year's Day, and Sunday's coming! She is armed with an iron clad Protective Order. The first thing they did after cleaning up more in the house was to put the new locks on every outside door. Now it will take him at least 5 minutes to get in. If he has, by some chance, not been served the Protective Order and cons his way out of the hospital, the Deputies will be there to serve him so that the next time he makes a threatening phone call to any of us or steps on the property he gets cuffs and a jail cell--no if's, and's, or but's!
I just got off the phone to hear what happened with the boys last night. The oldest got invited to a friend's house to sleep overnight. The whole day back at the house was constant turmoil among the boys. Bad behaviour ruled. Finally, it was bed time.
The middle boy had already "hit the ceiling" over his brother leaving. He is his protector and comfort despite the rivalry. Lonya talked with him and decided they would sleep together so he would feel safe. When Sara put the twins down, they were fearful, but she told them all the locks were changed and only she and Gam had the key. Daddy could not get in. They went right to sleep. Jack twisted and turned and dreamed all night, but he did get a night's sleep with Gam by his side. They didn't even finish the wrestling match on TV he dearly loves before falling to sleep.
Sara is taking the boys to school Monday. She has decided to talk with the Principals so they know what the Protective Order reads and they have a copy handy should he make the mistake of showing up at school. He will immediately be arrested and each of our schools now has a Security Officer on campus--it is a sad commentary on what is going on at schools these days. Sara is also going to request the Guidance Counselors have some sessions with each boy. If that does not help we will get them to a good friend who is one of the finest Psychologists in our town. We used to be neighbors so he knows us. We are blessed.
I will get further reports during today and decide whether to go there tonight or tomorrow. I just don't want to miss my GT Yellow Jackets next Tuesday at the Orange Bowl, but that is a secondary concern. There are always replays should I miss it.
My truck he had towed from his house cost my daughter better than $200 down the rat hole. It is at a friend's garage so I can replace the burned out starter. I have a job in the area scheduled for next Thursday. It's not big, but it is a little money because we are down to our last $20 between us and Lonya does not get paid until the end of next week. God has taken care of us using us, a good lawyer, a judge with compassion and common sense, and one of the finest Sheriff's Offices in the state. As the Sheriff said when I called to thank him: "My Deputies make me look good and I am glad to have them."
"It's Friday Night ......BUT SUNDAY'S COMING!!!!!"
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The Separation wait continues--the S-I-L still chucks & jives
Yesterday was interesting in daughter land. They had planned for the boys to spend the day with Dad, but a call came in at 9:00. He had just wrecked his car pulling out in front of a lady--it was her fault for being on the cell phone and not swerving! (another projection)
According to him, it totaled his fancy late model Mustang he had just equipped with new glass pack mufflers, leaving the almost new originals sitting under the carport with the rest of his disorganized clutter. At least $5,000 worth of tools, weight bench, riding lawn mower--all of which don't work for small reasons. You would think a guy who repairs nuclear scanners might just figure repairs out, if he cared to.
So now, the boys are disappointed they won't have a day with Dad. 2-3 regrettable spankings later in the afternoon my wife calls with mis-behaviour raging in the background. On that rainy cold day, even a step-to-the-side discussion did not bring results.
The 12-year-old is muttering under his breath and driving his younger brother to tantrum screams. He is a master at twisting the emotional knife just like his dad. Hopefully, it is not too far gone to correct. I have promised him that my son's last spanking took place at 12-13 and it was one he never forgot! If necessary, Pa Pa will be the tyrant that young man needs before a police officer, judge, or drill sergeant takes on the responsibility.
The 9 year old screamer is being attacked on all sides (according to him). His twin brothers are split--1 is the "young attacker" the other could care less. In Jackson's eyes everyone is out to get him (good learning of projection from dad). A comfort and assurance talk does some good, but by afternoon he got the tail-burning he deserved.
The twin 5-year-olds are just being 5--translated that means, fight for a while, throw toys for a while, look at TV quietly long enough to get the energy back. My daughter's house has a 2-story cathedral ceiling which echos better than Bat Cave or the Mormon Tabernacle. It is loud and would serve as the perfect echo chamber should my daughter get a starter pistol to get their attention----humm, now I know what to get my daughter for Christmas!!!!
All this action is the result of expected activities being totally changed. Meanwhile, my daughter is wondering, "What if he had pulled out in front of an 18-wheeler? Would I have to deal with this trauma anymore? Would I be able to shed any tears at the funeral--or have to fake it?"
His story was that he had to go to the Emergency Room, the car is likely totaled, he is lucky to be alive! Interestingly, it is told as he came over later in the afternoon to pick up the 12-year-old to go to the gym without going through their mother. Now, ask a question here: If "he was almost killed and went to the Emergency Room," how is it possible to go lift weights later in that afternoon with your son?????
H-m-m-m-m!! We wouldn't dramatize and con our way back into the irate wife's world, would we????
My daughter and wife aren't stupid! Their projection for making a bet is a car hardly dented. Did he even go to the ER and how did he get out quickly enough to continue his day by noon? At the least there was not enough damage to keep him long--or it might be a total lie to get sympathy.
It's not possible to restore the marriage now, but I thought you might like another story of "chuck-and-jive" during Separation Paper waiting time!
According to him, it totaled his fancy late model Mustang he had just equipped with new glass pack mufflers, leaving the almost new originals sitting under the carport with the rest of his disorganized clutter. At least $5,000 worth of tools, weight bench, riding lawn mower--all of which don't work for small reasons. You would think a guy who repairs nuclear scanners might just figure repairs out, if he cared to.
So now, the boys are disappointed they won't have a day with Dad. 2-3 regrettable spankings later in the afternoon my wife calls with mis-behaviour raging in the background. On that rainy cold day, even a step-to-the-side discussion did not bring results.
The 12-year-old is muttering under his breath and driving his younger brother to tantrum screams. He is a master at twisting the emotional knife just like his dad. Hopefully, it is not too far gone to correct. I have promised him that my son's last spanking took place at 12-13 and it was one he never forgot! If necessary, Pa Pa will be the tyrant that young man needs before a police officer, judge, or drill sergeant takes on the responsibility.
The 9 year old screamer is being attacked on all sides (according to him). His twin brothers are split--1 is the "young attacker" the other could care less. In Jackson's eyes everyone is out to get him (good learning of projection from dad). A comfort and assurance talk does some good, but by afternoon he got the tail-burning he deserved.
The twin 5-year-olds are just being 5--translated that means, fight for a while, throw toys for a while, look at TV quietly long enough to get the energy back. My daughter's house has a 2-story cathedral ceiling which echos better than Bat Cave or the Mormon Tabernacle. It is loud and would serve as the perfect echo chamber should my daughter get a starter pistol to get their attention----humm, now I know what to get my daughter for Christmas!!!!
All this action is the result of expected activities being totally changed. Meanwhile, my daughter is wondering, "What if he had pulled out in front of an 18-wheeler? Would I have to deal with this trauma anymore? Would I be able to shed any tears at the funeral--or have to fake it?"
His story was that he had to go to the Emergency Room, the car is likely totaled, he is lucky to be alive! Interestingly, it is told as he came over later in the afternoon to pick up the 12-year-old to go to the gym without going through their mother. Now, ask a question here: If "he was almost killed and went to the Emergency Room," how is it possible to go lift weights later in that afternoon with your son?????
H-m-m-m-m!! We wouldn't dramatize and con our way back into the irate wife's world, would we????
My daughter and wife aren't stupid! Their projection for making a bet is a car hardly dented. Did he even go to the ER and how did he get out quickly enough to continue his day by noon? At the least there was not enough damage to keep him long--or it might be a total lie to get sympathy.
It's not possible to restore the marriage now, but I thought you might like another story of "chuck-and-jive" during Separation Paper waiting time!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
A night spent at my daughter's house
Sunday was interesting. I needed to get the Bobcat to Rocky Mount and pick up wood for another man who had cut some trees. My situation is so desperate, I am willing to just pick up wood for it's value. A full trailer load of good logs which are turned into plywood could bring me $200. That is the maximum any load will bring, but something is better than nothing.
I had planned to do this Monday, but bad weather was coming so I upped it a day---to find the rascal had let someone else have the wood without telling me he had changed his mind. What a pile of--I'll just say sorry pulp wood which brings about as much as cow manure!
So I went on to my daughter's house to find only my wife there. It was so nice to have a few hours alone with the woman I love and respect who is protecting our daughter and grandsons.
Daddy had the 4 boys for the day and brought them back about 5:00. The second he saw me a scowl went across his face. I decided to be nice and asked, "How's it going today?" With that he slammed the McDonald's bag full of air and scared the mess out of the boys. He walked off and within a few minutes was leaving muttering. He then, with the most hateful voice said, "I hope you enjoy MY house / MY TV," and slammed the door on his way out. Had he not had his mommas car instead of his hot dog Mustang, I am sure rubber would have squalled for 1/4 mile! Hate was in the air and the boys were terrified.
A little later when they were snuggling and talking the truth came out: their daddy had spent the day saying all kinds of hateful things about my wife and I as his parents goaded him on in front of the boys. All it really did was make the boys evaluate even more who cared about them and what a loving home they were coming back to. We turned out the lights, popped popcorn, and had a good children's movie along with child talk and play until it was bed time.
In a way I am laughing myself to death over this: he had criticized behind our backs only to find both of us being nice to him when he brought the boys in. That was the real source of anger--he knows his family and him are mean and cruel---then he had to see 2 grandparents giving the children only love and control. How sad!
As I drove back home 1.5 hours yesterday I spent most of the journey in thought and prayer. I put in a call to my daughter's attorney and talked with his assistant. They were supposed to have the Separation Papers drawn already, but it hasn't yet happened. They have been paid in full. They advised Sara to be sweet and non-combative so he would be more prone to sign. The trouble is, no matter how nice we all are, he continues awful phone calls and messages with all the horrible female expletives of "b" / "w" / "s" / etc. accusing my daughter of an affair she never even thinks about. The secretary immediately called my daughter to see if more severe things should be done to further protect her. They care about this more than the money involved. This lawyer has been through divorce himself with a abusive wife!
Imagine this: the mother of 4 active boys who gets no help with their discipline or care outside a bag of fast food which makes them worse / a house which never gets all straight because he and his boys think clothes should just be thrown anywhere they take them off / a manager of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store at Christmas shopping time---and she is out chasing some man!!!! Give me a break. With his bad male behaviour and 4 boys copying him, the last thing she wants is another stupid male. She may never marry again.
I have counseled many women in this situation. To a person, they have all said, "The last thing I care about now is another stupid bully / idiot / self-centered man! If I never have to live with one again, it would be nice!"
Women have a great capacity for love and tolerance, far more than men. BUT there comes a time when they have been abused enough and all love ceases. They might feel sorry for the rascal, but there is no response to attempted hugs or kisses. He thought it was cute to take a picture of his "manhood" and show it to my daughter with an invitation to the marital bed. He might as well have poured a big bucket of cold water over her. It was TOTALLY gross!
The LAST THING she wants from him now is any touching or even being in the house or within sight of her or the boys. He has died as far as she is concerned because love has died. In this sense she has totally fulfilled her wedding vow: It says "til death do us part" and the death of love through abuse is as real as physical death--in many ways, if he went through with his empty threat to "kill himself," it would be kinder and more final. In fact when he said it in a follow up to his hateful recorded message she wisely told him, "Go ahead! Use a long knife or big gun so there will be no big hospital bills or debilitated person left behind to bother me any more!" It is all empty threat--I doubt this one has the guts---BUT NEVER SIT BACK THINKING THIS---he has enough crazy and anger to harm others, if not himself!
I back my daughter 100% on all this! For her sake and the boys this terror must end. Love and family living deserve much more. He is trying to pass on the sick upbringing he had, but my daughter, and us, are moving ahead to get his Demon Possessed personality to the Isolation Ward. Unless he chooses to change after 35 years, all he will do is spread the germs of "I can't love myself" in any relationship he makes.
If he killed himself today, he would be no more dead than with what he has done to love in 15 years of abuse! I pray for him an exorcism of his demon of not knowing what love is because he got only hate and abuse as he grew up.
My daddy always said, "You can't keep a bird from flying over your head, but you can surely keep him from nesting there."
This was in terms of his poorer than poor upbringing out of which he WORKED! He hitch-hiked to college, peeled potatoes and cut hair to get through, and then worked every day so his family would never experience the Depression era poverty he knew! I did yard work and trim carpentry to get through!
Anyone can grow up in difficult circumstances, but NO ONE has to stay there! If you stay there it is by choice and excuse rather than getting hold of your boot straps and pulling yourself up. Nowadays, race or poverty are somewhat an asset because every expensive tax-paid program is available should you be a minority / poor / uneducated / etc. Don't tell me "you can't help it" because my father and I have proven otherwise.
Just get off your pity pot and get on with life!
I had planned to do this Monday, but bad weather was coming so I upped it a day---to find the rascal had let someone else have the wood without telling me he had changed his mind. What a pile of--I'll just say sorry pulp wood which brings about as much as cow manure!
So I went on to my daughter's house to find only my wife there. It was so nice to have a few hours alone with the woman I love and respect who is protecting our daughter and grandsons.
Daddy had the 4 boys for the day and brought them back about 5:00. The second he saw me a scowl went across his face. I decided to be nice and asked, "How's it going today?" With that he slammed the McDonald's bag full of air and scared the mess out of the boys. He walked off and within a few minutes was leaving muttering. He then, with the most hateful voice said, "I hope you enjoy MY house / MY TV," and slammed the door on his way out. Had he not had his mommas car instead of his hot dog Mustang, I am sure rubber would have squalled for 1/4 mile! Hate was in the air and the boys were terrified.
A little later when they were snuggling and talking the truth came out: their daddy had spent the day saying all kinds of hateful things about my wife and I as his parents goaded him on in front of the boys. All it really did was make the boys evaluate even more who cared about them and what a loving home they were coming back to. We turned out the lights, popped popcorn, and had a good children's movie along with child talk and play until it was bed time.
In a way I am laughing myself to death over this: he had criticized behind our backs only to find both of us being nice to him when he brought the boys in. That was the real source of anger--he knows his family and him are mean and cruel---then he had to see 2 grandparents giving the children only love and control. How sad!
As I drove back home 1.5 hours yesterday I spent most of the journey in thought and prayer. I put in a call to my daughter's attorney and talked with his assistant. They were supposed to have the Separation Papers drawn already, but it hasn't yet happened. They have been paid in full. They advised Sara to be sweet and non-combative so he would be more prone to sign. The trouble is, no matter how nice we all are, he continues awful phone calls and messages with all the horrible female expletives of "b" / "w" / "s" / etc. accusing my daughter of an affair she never even thinks about. The secretary immediately called my daughter to see if more severe things should be done to further protect her. They care about this more than the money involved. This lawyer has been through divorce himself with a abusive wife!
Imagine this: the mother of 4 active boys who gets no help with their discipline or care outside a bag of fast food which makes them worse / a house which never gets all straight because he and his boys think clothes should just be thrown anywhere they take them off / a manager of a Bed, Bath, and Beyond store at Christmas shopping time---and she is out chasing some man!!!! Give me a break. With his bad male behaviour and 4 boys copying him, the last thing she wants is another stupid male. She may never marry again.
I have counseled many women in this situation. To a person, they have all said, "The last thing I care about now is another stupid bully / idiot / self-centered man! If I never have to live with one again, it would be nice!"
Women have a great capacity for love and tolerance, far more than men. BUT there comes a time when they have been abused enough and all love ceases. They might feel sorry for the rascal, but there is no response to attempted hugs or kisses. He thought it was cute to take a picture of his "manhood" and show it to my daughter with an invitation to the marital bed. He might as well have poured a big bucket of cold water over her. It was TOTALLY gross!
The LAST THING she wants from him now is any touching or even being in the house or within sight of her or the boys. He has died as far as she is concerned because love has died. In this sense she has totally fulfilled her wedding vow: It says "til death do us part" and the death of love through abuse is as real as physical death--in many ways, if he went through with his empty threat to "kill himself," it would be kinder and more final. In fact when he said it in a follow up to his hateful recorded message she wisely told him, "Go ahead! Use a long knife or big gun so there will be no big hospital bills or debilitated person left behind to bother me any more!" It is all empty threat--I doubt this one has the guts---BUT NEVER SIT BACK THINKING THIS---he has enough crazy and anger to harm others, if not himself!
I back my daughter 100% on all this! For her sake and the boys this terror must end. Love and family living deserve much more. He is trying to pass on the sick upbringing he had, but my daughter, and us, are moving ahead to get his Demon Possessed personality to the Isolation Ward. Unless he chooses to change after 35 years, all he will do is spread the germs of "I can't love myself" in any relationship he makes.
If he killed himself today, he would be no more dead than with what he has done to love in 15 years of abuse! I pray for him an exorcism of his demon of not knowing what love is because he got only hate and abuse as he grew up.
My daddy always said, "You can't keep a bird from flying over your head, but you can surely keep him from nesting there."
This was in terms of his poorer than poor upbringing out of which he WORKED! He hitch-hiked to college, peeled potatoes and cut hair to get through, and then worked every day so his family would never experience the Depression era poverty he knew! I did yard work and trim carpentry to get through!
Anyone can grow up in difficult circumstances, but NO ONE has to stay there! If you stay there it is by choice and excuse rather than getting hold of your boot straps and pulling yourself up. Nowadays, race or poverty are somewhat an asset because every expensive tax-paid program is available should you be a minority / poor / uneducated / etc. Don't tell me "you can't help it" because my father and I have proven otherwise.
Just get off your pity pot and get on with life!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Divorce Can Be Good
Divorce is at high levels in American society. I suspect there will be quite a bit more as the economy worsens. While some are saying we are turning around and it is getting over, I don't see it where I live.
Much of the little remaining optimism is covered by the fact Unemployment Benefits have just had another 90-day extension. You cannot imagine the jump in the workforce statistic of "unemployed," nor the people who would be in soup kitchen lines and living in tents, if that part of the picture were treated without extensions.
Unemployment Insurance if really a misnomer. True insurance spreads risk over all the holders of policies with a given company. With "Unemployment Insurance" each person getting it draws against what was paid in by his employer. When the funds run out, guess who gets the bill? The former employer!!!!! If government legislates extensions, they are only making a former employer pay for that extension.
Hey, dummy, the employer did not lay off the employee because he could afford to keep him/her! What will happen when the employer cannot pay the tab? As one tax enforcement officer told a struggling small business owner who is my fellow traveler in the struggle: "About 90% of businesses which go under, do so over tax issues." WOW!!!!!
Now to the real issue: DIVORCE.
America is at about a 50% level of marriages failing for years. One of my professors years ago asked the class: "Why is there such a high divorce rate these days?" There were many speculative responses, but none which were as accurate has his statement after the discussion.
His answer was: "We have so much divorce and so few good marriages BECAUSE so few children have grown up witnessing a good marriage!"
We think we can be clinical about life. Many children hate their parents' fighting and fussing and declare, "I will never do this when I get married!" But, like a moth to a flame, they marry a lovely person by falling in lust (everyone who marries has lust which should turn into love), live together in marriage for 1-2 years, and then recreate exactly what they witnessed as children!
I always asked couples coming to me for pre-marital counseling a simple question: "What do you think of you prospective In-Laws AND tell me the truth!" Most couched their answers in nice terms for the sake of keeping things good with their prospective mate. I'm not sure how many told me the absolute truth. Too many people lie to their minister/counselor!
Then I would explain why I asked the question: "Believe it or not, if you don't like your bride's mother, she will become more like her than you can imagine in a few years! The same is true if you don't like your husband's father!" Think long and hard on this until we meet again to discuss the meaning of the Wedding Ceremony and your vows to one another in the sight of God and those attending your wedding.
We have been fortunate with two children that there hasn't been a divorce----until 3 weeks ago! Our daughter called to tell us of the troubles she was having. It was bad enough that she has 4 boys ages 12-5. The "age 5" part comes in fraternal twins! Yep, they had 2 boys already and tried for that little girl----who turned out to be twin boys! You could have knocked all of us over with a feather as ultra-sound took a look into her womb.
What is the problem?
The bottom line is that our daughter married a seemingly nice young man who was raised in a terrible home. It was so bad his mother, when he was 3-5, often penned him to the floor and held him down while spitting and yelling in his face about how awful he was. It went on when a second child arrived and was treated as if he could do nothing wrong. My son-in-law was raised with the most awful abuse anyone could imagine.
His parents were the model of what not to be as a parent: abusive / non-loving / premarital pregnancy forcing them to wed / always focusing on "things" they could possess and gifts they could give without giving the most important gift of parents: a relationship of love and consistent guidance of that child's behaviour. It was so bad his grandmother did more than her share of positive child rearing. Then he would have to return to hell on earth with his parents. You might excuse his problems IF he were willing to work on them and do better. He has NOT!
Now my daughter, after 15 years of abuse, is seeing awful behaviour in her sons. They are disrespectful. Their language is awful and gets them in trouble at school. They have been kicked out of 2 daycares, mostly because their father cussed out the teachers. He thinks his boys saying 4-letter words and hurting each other in quarrels is "cute." My daughter is trying to raise, not just 4 active boys, but a grown child in addition who makes promises, but never follows through to make a long-term change.
Two years ago she showed up at our door with the boys and packed bags because she had found drugs hidden in the house: marijuana / cocaine. Her message to him at that time was "clean up your act or I won't be back nor will the children." He made promises, but in recent months he is smoking pot non-stop to hold down his demons. She even ignored it because it mellowed him so every night the monster did not walk through the door of the house. That monster has gotten larger and the nice guy can hardly be found. He even put a bruise on the middle child's arm which he showed to his teacher.
Social services visited. They pulled the children aside at school and quizzed them so they had to explain to fellow students why then had to talk with the lady. They interviewed in the home, but were not shown doors and walls dented by daddy's fist. They tried to put on a good image and explain the bruise as just a father jerking his son off a battery run motorcycle because he was going too fast and not doing what daddy said.
Now that my daughter has had enough, he checked into a drug rehab program--which he left after 4 days claiming he had gotten good enough to leave and they had given him pills to mellow him out--NOT. It was a bald-faced lie with smile on face. His mother called my daughter after having made the statement in the past that "I don't know how you have put up with him so long." This time she was encouraging my daughter to make amends because "after the children are gone you will have only each other."
That was the wrong question! My daughter began to think, "Do I want to put up with this worsening abusive rascal by myself for the rest of my life. I think not!!!!" Most women think more deeply than that childish man wants them to think. Out of her fogged mind, having been told she was a whore / slut / bad housekeeper / bad cook / bad (you name it), she only saw bad behaviour worsening with her boys under the influence--of, not drugs yet, but a father who does not know the meaning of love.
If you cannot love yourself, you can't love anyone else! How tragic.
We are supporting and encouraging now after 15 years of staying out of their business. Where my wife and I had listened to her "vent" and encouraged her to keep on trying, we now say, "It is time for the big bully to go." At this point we are finding out about horrible things which have been hidden for years or minimized.
Our daughter is a wise and determined lady who felt like she could handle her problems without constantly crying on her parents' shoulders. She told just enough to let us know she was unhappy. Had she told me that years ago he grabbed her by the hair in front of their children and held a knife to her throat, there would have been no need for this divorce. I would have cured or killed him with my bare hands or those of the law enforcement officers of our county!
NC has an automatic 48-hour incarceration of any abusing spouse law. Further, a Peace Warrant, can give serious jail time for one who violates the specified distance from the abused spouse. We may be lax on some crimes in NC, but this is not one!
The situation is so bad right now my wife is helping with the children as well as having present a second set of eyes bearing witness to whatever might happen should he return home. The most important thing is a second person who is loving and wise helping those boys calm down in their hell of inconsistent behaviour on the part of their father. What proves beyond a shadow of doubt that separation is needed for a year, probably to be followed with divorce, is the fact my wife witnessed the 12-year-old come in from a time with daddy this week to tell his mother she was a slut/whore! He got a serious talking to by Gam and he better be glad PaPa wasn't there!
I "abused" my son's posterior when he was about 4 for disrespecting his mother. I came in to find a ruckus going on in his bedroom with my wife over him laid on the bed trying to get her dog brush to his nerves running straight from the behind to the center of a child's brain. She was loosing to that squiggling and foot/hand flailing child. Daddy had no problem, with his strength, tickling that special nerve!
Before I gave him his lesson I stooped down to look him straight in his evil little eyes. I told him he was going to get a spanking he would remember for the rest of his life, AND if I ever saw it again what he got now was the T-I-P OF THE I-C-E-B-U-R-G (slowly and distinctly spoken so he knew I meant business) as to what it would be if I had to spank him again.
My son got the message which was applied until real tears came to the eyes of that hard-nosed rascal. His approach with momma was to take her licks without crying so it made her even madder and made her quit. A wise father does not quit until the job is done. After the lesson I let him lay his head on my shoulder hugging him until the tears quit flowing. I told him how much I loved him and how I wanted this never to happen again from here on out.
IT NEVER DID. Just like with my father, one jig danced at the end of his punishment tool was enough to make me promise I would never do it again (nor would I punish my child in such a way). All head strong children need someone to set them straight before the Juvenile Justice System has to try and deal with them. It is usually a failure because the child had gotten away with too much up to that time, and no one cared enough to straighten them out.
Head strong children, just like me, can almost guarantee they will have a head strong child. In fact, head strong people are the ones who endure frustration to conquer the challenges of life. As long as they don't become so successful as to ignore this own head strong offspring, there will be continuous generations of wise and resourceful people to keep this world going.
How many "successful" people do you know who don't have spoiled children who squander everything their parents made with bad behaviour / drugs / alcohol / abuse / even spending life in prison for murdering someone?
Much of the little remaining optimism is covered by the fact Unemployment Benefits have just had another 90-day extension. You cannot imagine the jump in the workforce statistic of "unemployed," nor the people who would be in soup kitchen lines and living in tents, if that part of the picture were treated without extensions.
Unemployment Insurance if really a misnomer. True insurance spreads risk over all the holders of policies with a given company. With "Unemployment Insurance" each person getting it draws against what was paid in by his employer. When the funds run out, guess who gets the bill? The former employer!!!!! If government legislates extensions, they are only making a former employer pay for that extension.
Hey, dummy, the employer did not lay off the employee because he could afford to keep him/her! What will happen when the employer cannot pay the tab? As one tax enforcement officer told a struggling small business owner who is my fellow traveler in the struggle: "About 90% of businesses which go under, do so over tax issues." WOW!!!!!
Now to the real issue: DIVORCE.
America is at about a 50% level of marriages failing for years. One of my professors years ago asked the class: "Why is there such a high divorce rate these days?" There were many speculative responses, but none which were as accurate has his statement after the discussion.
His answer was: "We have so much divorce and so few good marriages BECAUSE so few children have grown up witnessing a good marriage!"
We think we can be clinical about life. Many children hate their parents' fighting and fussing and declare, "I will never do this when I get married!" But, like a moth to a flame, they marry a lovely person by falling in lust (everyone who marries has lust which should turn into love), live together in marriage for 1-2 years, and then recreate exactly what they witnessed as children!
I always asked couples coming to me for pre-marital counseling a simple question: "What do you think of you prospective In-Laws AND tell me the truth!" Most couched their answers in nice terms for the sake of keeping things good with their prospective mate. I'm not sure how many told me the absolute truth. Too many people lie to their minister/counselor!
Then I would explain why I asked the question: "Believe it or not, if you don't like your bride's mother, she will become more like her than you can imagine in a few years! The same is true if you don't like your husband's father!" Think long and hard on this until we meet again to discuss the meaning of the Wedding Ceremony and your vows to one another in the sight of God and those attending your wedding.
We have been fortunate with two children that there hasn't been a divorce----until 3 weeks ago! Our daughter called to tell us of the troubles she was having. It was bad enough that she has 4 boys ages 12-5. The "age 5" part comes in fraternal twins! Yep, they had 2 boys already and tried for that little girl----who turned out to be twin boys! You could have knocked all of us over with a feather as ultra-sound took a look into her womb.
What is the problem?
The bottom line is that our daughter married a seemingly nice young man who was raised in a terrible home. It was so bad his mother, when he was 3-5, often penned him to the floor and held him down while spitting and yelling in his face about how awful he was. It went on when a second child arrived and was treated as if he could do nothing wrong. My son-in-law was raised with the most awful abuse anyone could imagine.
His parents were the model of what not to be as a parent: abusive / non-loving / premarital pregnancy forcing them to wed / always focusing on "things" they could possess and gifts they could give without giving the most important gift of parents: a relationship of love and consistent guidance of that child's behaviour. It was so bad his grandmother did more than her share of positive child rearing. Then he would have to return to hell on earth with his parents. You might excuse his problems IF he were willing to work on them and do better. He has NOT!
Now my daughter, after 15 years of abuse, is seeing awful behaviour in her sons. They are disrespectful. Their language is awful and gets them in trouble at school. They have been kicked out of 2 daycares, mostly because their father cussed out the teachers. He thinks his boys saying 4-letter words and hurting each other in quarrels is "cute." My daughter is trying to raise, not just 4 active boys, but a grown child in addition who makes promises, but never follows through to make a long-term change.
Two years ago she showed up at our door with the boys and packed bags because she had found drugs hidden in the house: marijuana / cocaine. Her message to him at that time was "clean up your act or I won't be back nor will the children." He made promises, but in recent months he is smoking pot non-stop to hold down his demons. She even ignored it because it mellowed him so every night the monster did not walk through the door of the house. That monster has gotten larger and the nice guy can hardly be found. He even put a bruise on the middle child's arm which he showed to his teacher.
Social services visited. They pulled the children aside at school and quizzed them so they had to explain to fellow students why then had to talk with the lady. They interviewed in the home, but were not shown doors and walls dented by daddy's fist. They tried to put on a good image and explain the bruise as just a father jerking his son off a battery run motorcycle because he was going too fast and not doing what daddy said.
Now that my daughter has had enough, he checked into a drug rehab program--which he left after 4 days claiming he had gotten good enough to leave and they had given him pills to mellow him out--NOT. It was a bald-faced lie with smile on face. His mother called my daughter after having made the statement in the past that "I don't know how you have put up with him so long." This time she was encouraging my daughter to make amends because "after the children are gone you will have only each other."
That was the wrong question! My daughter began to think, "Do I want to put up with this worsening abusive rascal by myself for the rest of my life. I think not!!!!" Most women think more deeply than that childish man wants them to think. Out of her fogged mind, having been told she was a whore / slut / bad housekeeper / bad cook / bad (you name it), she only saw bad behaviour worsening with her boys under the influence--of, not drugs yet, but a father who does not know the meaning of love.
If you cannot love yourself, you can't love anyone else! How tragic.
We are supporting and encouraging now after 15 years of staying out of their business. Where my wife and I had listened to her "vent" and encouraged her to keep on trying, we now say, "It is time for the big bully to go." At this point we are finding out about horrible things which have been hidden for years or minimized.
Our daughter is a wise and determined lady who felt like she could handle her problems without constantly crying on her parents' shoulders. She told just enough to let us know she was unhappy. Had she told me that years ago he grabbed her by the hair in front of their children and held a knife to her throat, there would have been no need for this divorce. I would have cured or killed him with my bare hands or those of the law enforcement officers of our county!
NC has an automatic 48-hour incarceration of any abusing spouse law. Further, a Peace Warrant, can give serious jail time for one who violates the specified distance from the abused spouse. We may be lax on some crimes in NC, but this is not one!
The situation is so bad right now my wife is helping with the children as well as having present a second set of eyes bearing witness to whatever might happen should he return home. The most important thing is a second person who is loving and wise helping those boys calm down in their hell of inconsistent behaviour on the part of their father. What proves beyond a shadow of doubt that separation is needed for a year, probably to be followed with divorce, is the fact my wife witnessed the 12-year-old come in from a time with daddy this week to tell his mother she was a slut/whore! He got a serious talking to by Gam and he better be glad PaPa wasn't there!
I "abused" my son's posterior when he was about 4 for disrespecting his mother. I came in to find a ruckus going on in his bedroom with my wife over him laid on the bed trying to get her dog brush to his nerves running straight from the behind to the center of a child's brain. She was loosing to that squiggling and foot/hand flailing child. Daddy had no problem, with his strength, tickling that special nerve!
Before I gave him his lesson I stooped down to look him straight in his evil little eyes. I told him he was going to get a spanking he would remember for the rest of his life, AND if I ever saw it again what he got now was the T-I-P OF THE I-C-E-B-U-R-G (slowly and distinctly spoken so he knew I meant business) as to what it would be if I had to spank him again.
My son got the message which was applied until real tears came to the eyes of that hard-nosed rascal. His approach with momma was to take her licks without crying so it made her even madder and made her quit. A wise father does not quit until the job is done. After the lesson I let him lay his head on my shoulder hugging him until the tears quit flowing. I told him how much I loved him and how I wanted this never to happen again from here on out.
IT NEVER DID. Just like with my father, one jig danced at the end of his punishment tool was enough to make me promise I would never do it again (nor would I punish my child in such a way). All head strong children need someone to set them straight before the Juvenile Justice System has to try and deal with them. It is usually a failure because the child had gotten away with too much up to that time, and no one cared enough to straighten them out.
Head strong children, just like me, can almost guarantee they will have a head strong child. In fact, head strong people are the ones who endure frustration to conquer the challenges of life. As long as they don't become so successful as to ignore this own head strong offspring, there will be continuous generations of wise and resourceful people to keep this world going.
How many "successful" people do you know who don't have spoiled children who squander everything their parents made with bad behaviour / drugs / alcohol / abuse / even spending life in prison for murdering someone?
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