Yesterday was interesting in daughter land. They had planned for the boys to spend the day with Dad, but a call came in at 9:00. He had just wrecked his car pulling out in front of a lady--it was her fault for being on the cell phone and not swerving! (another projection)
According to him, it totaled his fancy late model Mustang he had just equipped with new glass pack mufflers, leaving the almost new originals sitting under the carport with the rest of his disorganized clutter. At least $5,000 worth of tools, weight bench, riding lawn mower--all of which don't work for small reasons. You would think a guy who repairs nuclear scanners might just figure repairs out, if he cared to.
So now, the boys are disappointed they won't have a day with Dad. 2-3 regrettable spankings later in the afternoon my wife calls with mis-behaviour raging in the background. On that rainy cold day, even a step-to-the-side discussion did not bring results.
The 12-year-old is muttering under his breath and driving his younger brother to tantrum screams. He is a master at twisting the emotional knife just like his dad. Hopefully, it is not too far gone to correct. I have promised him that my son's last spanking took place at 12-13 and it was one he never forgot! If necessary, Pa Pa will be the tyrant that young man needs before a police officer, judge, or drill sergeant takes on the responsibility.
The 9 year old screamer is being attacked on all sides (according to him). His twin brothers are split--1 is the "young attacker" the other could care less. In Jackson's eyes everyone is out to get him (good learning of projection from dad). A comfort and assurance talk does some good, but by afternoon he got the tail-burning he deserved.
The twin 5-year-olds are just being 5--translated that means, fight for a while, throw toys for a while, look at TV quietly long enough to get the energy back. My daughter's house has a 2-story cathedral ceiling which echos better than Bat Cave or the Mormon Tabernacle. It is loud and would serve as the perfect echo chamber should my daughter get a starter pistol to get their attention----humm, now I know what to get my daughter for Christmas!!!!
All this action is the result of expected activities being totally changed. Meanwhile, my daughter is wondering, "What if he had pulled out in front of an 18-wheeler? Would I have to deal with this trauma anymore? Would I be able to shed any tears at the funeral--or have to fake it?"
His story was that he had to go to the Emergency Room, the car is likely totaled, he is lucky to be alive! Interestingly, it is told as he came over later in the afternoon to pick up the 12-year-old to go to the gym without going through their mother. Now, ask a question here: If "he was almost killed and went to the Emergency Room," how is it possible to go lift weights later in that afternoon with your son?????
H-m-m-m-m!! We wouldn't dramatize and con our way back into the irate wife's world, would we????
My daughter and wife aren't stupid! Their projection for making a bet is a car hardly dented. Did he even go to the ER and how did he get out quickly enough to continue his day by noon? At the least there was not enough damage to keep him long--or it might be a total lie to get sympathy.
It's not possible to restore the marriage now, but I thought you might like another story of "chuck-and-jive" during Separation Paper waiting time!
Gene,
ReplyDeleteAre those boys in counseling yet? They need professional help to undo some of the damage done.
They have a lot to process. And there is still a long way to go.
Gene,
ReplyDeleteHow awful! I had one daughter acting up. You and your family have 4 sons acting up.
The one thing that was helpful to me was to realize that my daughter NEEDED those behaviors to be able to deal with her dad. It would be unfair of me to try to strip her of the tools she needed to deal with him, but it was also unfair of her to inflict those tools on me, who didn't deserve them.
My solution was to tell her to put the behavior she needed into the glove compartment of the car (after I had picked her up). That way she could pick them up again when she needed them. Doing that taught her to respect that the rules were different at my house. It is not much different than teaching children to use "indoor voices" when they are inside, and to treat adults differently than they treat their friends, and to act differently in church than they act on the playground. Granted, it doesn't deal with the deeper hurts, but it does help establish boundaries.
I am very concerned about the 12 year old. An abusive dad often chooses at least one son to bond with, to share with on a deeper level, and in the process teaching that son to have the same contemptuous attitudes and etc. that he has. That very thing is what the dad in my novel, "Behind the Hedge" does, and he turns the oldest son against his siblings, too.
If this is what your daughter's ex is doing, the 12 yr old is made to feel special--more special than his brothers. To combat that, you and your wife and daughter need to help him feel special in a positive way. If you can get other adults to help out, that is even better.
But if you just help him feel special, the other boys will act out, thinking their brother is the favored one. So every one of them has to feel very special. (not the "rules-don't apply-to-me" kind of special!) This would likely require one-on-one time from each of the adults in their lives. Starting way early talking about their God-given gifts and purpose can help channel them in a positive direction.
Oh wow! and you can focus on what leaders they can be in encouraging and leading the church to respect women! You could end up with 4 men to help change the direction of the church to a positive one for women. Wow and wow! What an opportunity! What a challenge!
And with your own respect for women, Gene, you are just the person to get that message across!
I am still praying for you and yours.
God bless!
-Waneta
Thanks, ladies---
ReplyDeleteYou, like most women, care tremendously for the children involved. They were with their dad all day today and came in wearing horns and dragging forked tails beating pitchforks on the floor.
My wife and daughter administered a big dose of love and quiet directions. I had told them the Wizard of Oz was on tonight so it was turned on. As of a few minutes ago, they were snuggled with their mommy on the couch and had talked her into switching to "Lost," their favorite Sunday night show. All is well tonight.
Wanetta, you are exactly right about the oldest boy. The good thing is that in the first 5 years of his life--the most critical--his father was on a USCG ship and away more than he was home. A special bond formed during that time between my daughter and him. I trust that bond will be the key to salvaging his young manhood into growth rather than maintaining the 5-year-old attitude of his father--I would call it a regression state of mind.
We will be surrounding the boys with good attitudes, consistent discipline and love. If we do not see changes in attitude over the next 6 months, we will be looking for professional help. Fortunately, my background is Psychology with a college major / special training at the NC State Mental Hospital / a continued interest in study and clinical techniques / plenty of practice as a minister. My dilemma will be whether I can maintain a professional distance to be of help if more serious stuff is needed.
I suspect the damage is not so great it cannot be reversed. The oldest has, indeed, been treated as if her were more special than the rest. It has been in the way of toy bribes and
"you get to come to grandma's house when the others can't." The first time that happened we couldn't believe any grandparent would be so stupid as to treat any of their grandchildren that special. We were both raised with equal treatment from parents and grandparents and that has helped 2 "oldest children" make a good marriage despite the professionals saying, "It is impossible for 2 oldest siblings to be married successfully!"
So much for the pontifications of "professionals." The bottome line for us is common sense, and call on professionals when your own skills are not enough.
Keep the prayers coming!!!